still here...

I have been terrible, to say the least, in keeping up with the blog.

The past 6 months find me

...still here: physically in Switzerland, yet spiritually/mentally/soulfully in a stronger and more healed place.

I guess I should recount my adventures, experiences and learnings (still in process!!) over the past 6 months... yet where to start...

On the flip-- silence can be a wonderful thing, do we always need to engage?

I think that we engage on different levels, through various mediums, and we change it constantly depending on where we are in our current path.

For me, the summer had me writing a lot in a journal, spending a lot of time alone and not going out much. Did go out a bit, spreading my wings to socialize in the fall for just a little.

Stepping away from blogging was part of the process, as well as not having internet at home for a while. And no, I have YET to purchase a television!! I have been TV free since moving here, and I enjoy it. Reading, music and writing, along with the token going out, is how the balance has been maintained.

question: how do you disengage?

the weather...

I am still holding onto the one very important lesson that living in Denmark taught me—to trust the process.

People enter our lives for many reasons, reasons not revealed to us until after the storm or sunshine has passed. And if things are not going as we would have perceived them, I try to keep in mind a saying I picked up regarding the mountains of North Carolina when I lived there—if you do not like

…the weather: wait ten minutes.

This has been the longest ten minutes.

I am waiting for the clouds of confusion to clear, anticipating rays of warm clarity, yet even after almost two weeks nothing has changed—at least to my knowledge, yet one never knows what the space between the heavens and the earth has in store as the magic works behind the scenes. I was prepared for almost anything my last day at work in Denmark—following my personal mantra of “anticipate everything and expect nothing”—yet I was taken aback by a certain response. And I know, per my observations and acceptance, all I usually need to do is wait ten minutes.

Has it been ten minutes?

What I do appreciate is the warmth of those from whom I least suspected, and how beautiful a thing like that can be. Out until 4am with a couple of old colleagues having wonderful conversation to close my last day, a visit from another at my home the day before I left, and dinner with my fabulous coffee buddy, Peder, the evening before I departed for Switzerland.

On the flip—what if we rush those ten minutes?

Of course it is in human nature to want to know the outcome, right here, right now. Yet the most beautiful things come to life when given the time to do so. Knowing that, waiting ten minutes is worth doing so.

question— do you have the time?

test drive...

I am really not sure what to even write, other than things in Switzerland are going as they should.

I have spent the last week or so reflecting on who I am, from where I have come and where I am headed.

I arrived to Denmark a broken person, running from myself. Last August I started on an amazing growth journey that has taken about eight months to complete. I liken my being in Switzerland as putting my rediscovered self, my wholeness and health on a

…“test drive”: to take what I have learned about myself,

my fears, where they come from, my joy, my passion, what stirs the little one inside and how to keep her from getting behind the wheel (after all, the driving age is 18 for a reason!) and put it to work. See how far I have come and to become an even more beautiful person—one, in addition to all things beautiful and positive, who focuses upon and trusts the process itself.

I owe it to myself first and the ones I love.

As I said to someone who is close to me back home--when I told him the news about my new job and leaving Denmark for Switzerland-- sometimes you have to leave in order to come back.

question— to where is your drive leading?

to leave...

Surreal morning to wake up to.

It is rather weird to get up and not hear Azureluna pouncing around. As I laid in bed last night after a trip to the ER, heading off to a deep slumber, at first I thought that I heard him shuffling in his litter box. Was just another noise. Then words from my *boyfriend* Thomas at work zipped through my mind, and I broke down and cried. “I have yet

...to leave: yet I already feel lost.”

The jazz last night was excellent, the company even more so. My good friend from my masters program and I got at the White Lamb right at 8pm and nabbed a few good seats. She kept my spirits up throughout the evening. We chatted about my cat from Jasper, Georgia, how he made it to almost 11 years of age, and all of the significance behind the timing of how, where, when he entered my life and the timing of his death.

When I was at university I had a boyfriend for a couple of years. When I moved to Atlanta, things went flying apart and I found myself single for the first time as a young woman. At the age of 24 I was ready to take on the world, yet yearned for the company of someone when I got home to my adorable yet empty house apartment. So off to the mountains of Georgia I drove, up highway 76 through Canton, only to stop at an Amoco gas station in Jasper to meet the woman who was selling him. We got home, he was screaming and rather annoyed, so we hung out a bit. Later that evening I went outside to think about what to name him. I thought about naming him after the city where I picked him up, and the fit was not quite right. I then thought about the color of his eyes—a piercing blue—and started translating it into different languages. Azul, nah. Azure, it is a type of blue, good start. The moon was out and it hit me—Azureluna.

In less than 2 weeks, after nearly 11 years of never understanding fully why I have been running from myself in my early adulthood, I am whole and am moving to Switzerland alone. Single for the first time since I bought Azureluna. I honestly feel that he knew it was ok for me to continue my journey alone. As he sat on the examination table yesterday, I looked at him and asked if he was ready to go. He slowly blinked approvingly.

The vet administered the first injection to allow him to sleep. Of course, over the years he always seemed to get in the last word and as the first injection went in he bit my thumb, nailing it right at the tendon. It is still swollen this morning and hurts like hell. I held him in my arms as he snored, singing *Prince Nez*, the song I would dance to with him when he was a kitten by the Squirrel Nut Zippers. The second and final injection was administered as I held him, and quickly he went to sleep for good. In his mother’s arms. He was pronounced dead at 17:20 yesterday, a holiday in Europe that celebrates the Ascension of Jesus (not a religious person here, just found the coincidence interesting!!)

So this morning I started cleaning up his things, nursing my thumb and now arm. My thumb was hurting, the tendon was inflamed last night and I decided to call the emergency doctor to see if I could get an antibiotic as a preventative measure. When was my last tetanus shot, he asks. Oh great. 1983. So at 1:30am I am in the ER, speaking in Danish to the nurse, telling her how I hate needles and shots. She quickly grabs my left arm and gets me, meanwhile I am yelping curses in Danish—aye for helvede, for fanden. She laughs after it is over, commenting that my Danish is rather excellent, considering that when I first got in I explained in Danish that I speak Spanish and English and that my Danish is not that good. I was indeed proud, first medical examination I did without speaking English. Even more so impressive, since earlier in the evening I was speaking Spanish to someone at the White Lamb and usually it takes a few days for me to flip languages in my head.

So back to the quote that started this entry. When Thomas said it last week, it was rather touching. What a beautiful saying. And it occurred to me last night that Azureluna felt lost to a degree, for he can tell that a move is underway and he does not like change. Yet he knew I am no longer lost, complete and whole, and therefore he was ready to leave.

On the flip—what if we do not have the strength to move on? How do we know we are at that place where we can?

Intuition for starters, at least for me. Early in the morning of 23 April, I woke at 2:30am and made sense of a few things. I let go and surrendered to one notion, and everything spiritually, mentally and emotionally came into alignment. I felt a peace I never had before, and I was pretty sure that my moving on to Switzerland felt right. That my thoughts of being whole were spot on. With Azureluna dying, nearly 11 days before my move to Switzerland, it is a sign for sure.

In trusting the process, everything comes full circle, revealing itself when it is time to do so.

As for my little man from Jasper, Georgia… he will be cremated on Monday. I am still thinking about where to spread his ashes, and for sure there will be a place here in Denmark, his last home. As for Switzerland, well, it does not feel quite right, to bring his ashes (or even a part of them) there. Although I will be leaving him here in Denmark and going to Switzerland alone, sometimes we have to leave in order to come back.

question: when are you found?

circle of...

Another significant day.

In September of 1996, I bought my cat, Azureluna, in Jesper, Georgia. I was living in Atlanta at the time, starting my life as a single woman. I brought him home and starting dancing with him to the Squirrel Nut Zippers, a New Orleans style jazz band from North Carolina. I would sing to him and swirl him around.

He has seen many boyfriends, husband, I always referred to him as the most consistent man in my adult life. And today I had to put him to sleep. So the

…circle of: life continues, orbiting peacefully onwards.

I think he knew that it was time for both of us to move on.

For the first time in my life I feel complete, unafraid, whole and healthy. He has been at my side all these years, and I think he instinctively knew that it was time. I finally had my heart, mind and spirit align about a month ago and I think he felt that I was just fine to go on alone.

As we got in the car today, I wanted to play the Squirrel Nut Zippers CD I first played for him when I got him almost 11 years ago. The CD is titled *Hot*, and his favourite song was *Prince Nez*. Then I remember I left it on my colleague’s desk back at work. And funnily enough, I mentioned to this colleague earlier in the week that I was going to the White Lamb this evening to see some good ol’ New Orleans style jazz live. The only place in town that has it. Thursday nights are special, for throughout the evening more and more people show up with their instruments. By midnight there are 16 or so pieces scattered throughout the crowd.

What a befitting way to celebrate the life of my little man, my Azureluna from Jesper, Georgia. Thank you for being a supportive and loving force over the years.

question: how do you celebrate?

comfortable silence...

Today marks the three year anniversary of when I hopped on a plane, leaving the US and heading for the unknown in Denmark. Something was telling me to not go in April 2004. I remember it vividly. In fact, it was 25 April, outside of my best friend’s house in St. Petersburg, Florida. I was crying. I knew that the person I was going to was not ready for me, and I not he, I knew it. I had this deep feeling that things were not going to be easy. Yet at the same time, another part of me understood that I had just a few more challenges to go and that I had more growing up to do. And even though these past three years have been tough, I am all the better for it. For the first time in my adult life I can sit in

…comfortable silence: no panic, no little person at the wheel, acting and reacting as a grown woman

in all situations. Not feeling attacked. Not feeling let down, abandoned, in pain.

Not to say that I do not have those down days. The work it has taken spiritually to get here has been a painful journey. Yet had I not done the work, I would not be free. I look back and wonder in amazement as to how long I operated from a painful place, how I used to be defensive, scared… oh I could go on. I had not healed from the past.

Had I chosen to leave DK any sooner, I would have been running. And a part of me deep inside knows that I can return one day if I choose. I had to settle things here first, face things here first, and in doing so I have found my authentic self and am whole.

On the flip—what if we do not take that painful journey of self discovery?

I have lived through the results of surviving in pain, unhealed. Not taking the journey means we are not whole and it is impossible to give ourselves completely to another without being whole. Well, we can, but it would be destructive, full of co-dependency and disappointment, where neither can become beautiful human beings.

By the way, you are most brave and I am proud of you. Fearless indeed.

question: what is your path?

full circle...

Things are changing rapidly here, both personally and professionally. For a hint, just take a look at where I will be within the month, listed as my location on my profile….

The past ten years have been difficult, sprinkled with joy and amazing growth opportunities. I admit that I have taken the tougher path, why I have no idea, yet last Sunday was an indication that I have come

…full circle: with who I am and am healthy and whole. Finally.

Since last August I started a process that was frightening at times, sad, painful. I started to really look in and see who I am, why I picked the guys I have in the past, where my voids were, where the little girl was at the wheel, why I never owned my emotions, felt rejected… on and on and on.

Then this past Sunday I had a feeling that something was not resolved, that I had overlooked something. As some of you know, I have been looking to move to Switzerland for quite some time. Many interviews, a few opportunities, yet things did not seem to fit. Well, I have found a professional fit and am moving. Yet my heart was not in alignment—it was not that I was not ready to do it, yet something was tugging at me and I knew it had something to do with Denmark.

As I was out with my girlfriend at a farm last Sunday, I got a heavy feeling. So deep I had to leave early so that I could get home and think. Spent a few hours searching for what was bugging my heart and figured it out—it was someone who had been under my nose the entire time! It even woke me at 2:30 in the morning that night and I never went back to bed. Things over the past few months started to make sense, all the subtleties, people’s impressions and observations…

Once I made this discovery, several things occurred. First, my heart and mind came in alignment. I realized that had I discovered these feelings any sooner, I would have been operating out of that unhealthy and painful framework. Which means I could face it now-- as opposed to just acting without truly understanding where it was coming from, driven by that old need to be accepted at all costs. Then the slight fears of moving to Switzerland disappeared. Completely.

I *gave in* to what I was feeling rather than fighting and overanalyzing things, yet checked in to be sure that it was coming not from a need to be loved and accepted, but rather from a place where that love is a true gift—no conditions, no expectations, just plain is. It is a gift not only when received yet also when we give it…

And deep in my heart I know that for the first time I am healthy and whole. As for Denmark, well, who knows, yet sometimes we have to leave in order to come back.

On the flip—share this with the other? Or hold it in?

Well, I admit I took the plunge after examining everything and shared what I came to discover. And the beauty of it all is that I did not panic, cling on to the notion and most certainly did not feel rejected. Not at all. That in itself is a testament that I have come full circle.

The little girl inside is finally, finally at peace. The woman is free.

question: what is your gift?

cat circle...

Yes, yes. I know. Have not had an entry here in two weeks. Just as Bartlomeij and I chatted about in Warsaw, when things are even keeled and there is not either a heart break or swoon, there is usually silence. Or, a perhaps a process in motion that is so subtle, we are being *put to the test* so to speak, with our new founded knowledge of who we are and how we make decisions.

There is a saying here in Denmark that refers to making decisions as to whether or not one should move forward. When it comes to dating, as opposed to the going out on multiple dates to get to know someone, here it is customary to let “the

…cat circle: around the warm porridge”

Explanation: it is like a mating ritual, so to speak, when applied to dating. The saying actually refers to waiting, secondary to indecision. The cat is waiting for the right time to take action and it is appropriate to do so when the porridge is just right in temperature.

When two people are interested in one another, they slowly get to know each other without going on dates. In fact, going on a first date in Scandinavia is a signal that it is serious. The focus is on the process of getting to know one another and not the end result of a date. Tough to do with everyday life in the way!

I think, think, think I was circling the warm porridge. I really do not know for this process is new to me. Of course my results-oriented cultural upbringing has me laughing at times by referring to the dance as *circling the drain*. After what has transpired as of late, it is more like circling a dead cat.

Who knows, really, what is to happen next! It could be that the cat has a warm pulse and all that is needed is throwing the warm porridge on the cat to bring it back to life. Wait a sec, do I have to go through this 8 more times?!

On the flip—what does a process like this teach us?

I am learning to be more patient, to let things go as they should without having that (stupid) need to be in control. After all, letting things unfold slowly is a beautiful process. I have enjoyed it so far, albeit I had a few moments of frustration sprinkled here and there. It is teaching me to not be focused on the end result—a date with a pretty sweet person—and to let time show me who they are.

After all, this lesson is invaluable, and I have a feeling that I need will it for my next adventure.

question: is your porridge too hot, too cold or just right?

clean house...

Spring is within us now and the summer months ahead, hence time for a little spring cleaning, eh? As I have been hibernating over the past couple of weeks, watching things grow (both in the garden, soul and surroundings), I have made sure that I have been focusing on the soul, taking care to

…clean house: by removing the old and making room for the new.

When taking a look in all spiritual matters, it is important to do so or there will not be any room for new experiences or new people in our lives. Had I done this any earlier the timing would have been off kilter. What is developing in my life now could have been stunted by a too early scheduled cleaning process.

I threw out photos. Processed more feelings and took a real hard look at what transpired a few months ago—cold truth. Not from a place of judgement, yet what is not for me as a woman. Trashed old notes, e mails, phone numbers, and the promises made that went not only unfulfilled yet also totally violated. Threw out train tickets, flight stubs and notes. You name it.

Why now? Because in trusting the process I am ready now. I have this inkling deep inside that had I done so any earlier, I could have messed up what is in process now. I am slowly learning that things cannot be forced and to let go of control. Completely.

On the flip—what if the spring cleaning of the soul is not tended to? What if logic seduces us into thinking that now is the time to do so, when it is truly not?

I am learning to listen to my instincts, yet be sure that they are not coming from an insecure place that needs reassurance. I trust my gut, it is usually spot on. I try to be sure that I am not *talking* myself out of things by deluding myself with logic, yet at the same time balancing it with the emotions and feelings within, letting them be the drivers without taking the wheel. I am so thankful for doing so, especially now with letting go of control and getting the balancing act in order to a degree, for I would be missing out on something so beautiful now, unfolding slowly at its kind pace—for me not to know why right now, only to learn and enjoy at this moment with a significance to be revealed when the time is right.

question: what is(are) your chemical(s)?

so needy...

We discussed being an independent woman, and how emotional intimacy is an essential building block for a relationship (for both men and women). I e mailed the link to my last blog entry to my girl Miss R down south, and her comments are so spot on!

She discussed how men do not want a woman who is

…“so needy”: that they cling onto their partner for validation and reassurance.

Then I was thinking—men are not able to differentiate between “needy” and what we women perceive as an “independent woman”… their codeword *independent woman” to them is *needy* perhaps!

When one is *needy*, a certain amount of self esteem is missing. It is like they (whether male or female, there are needy men out there too!) rely upon the other for their source of happiness, validation, acceptance and love.

To me there is a HUGE difference between the two! Emotional intimacy, where we put the masks down and allow ourselves to be emotionally naked, vulnerable and intimate with another, is NOT being needy. In fact, emotional intimacy is about giving, giving ourselves to another in an unadulterated way without expectations. We are our own source of happiness, validation, acceptance and love, and therefore are able to give freely to another. An *independent woman* (defined by women) is one who seeks to engage in emotional intimacy without clinging to the other for validation and happiness.

Of course at times we all need validation and inspiration from our partners, yet not in the sense where we need it to the point of defining ourselves as a woman (or as a person). (does that make sense?)

Being needy is taking and never giving. Needy implies and requires sucking the life out of another in order to survive. It should not be confused with emotional intimacy, and *needy* may very well be what men see as a woman who is not *independent*. It may be that men do not understand emotional intimacy, and when they are confronted with it they mistake it for neediness.

On the flip—how do we get past the confusion between emotional intimacy and neediness? And when do we know when it is safe to reveal ourselves, remove the mask, and begin the path of emotional intimacy in a relationship?

The previous question is a matter of timing, a matter of two individuals and where they are on the continuum in their relationship. And to not let the little person at the wheel when making decisions, especially in the *in love* stage… as my Dad says “you fall in love with the personality but marry the character”. Getting to know the values and character first may allow us to see if the fit deems emotional intimacy. And we must remember that we are not required to engage in emotional intimacy with everyone and anyone.

My thoughts, when we are pushing things, trying to make things happen, as opposed to trusting the process, we are possibly setting ourselves up for creating the neediness. The risk for co-dependency is high when both enter in neediness—resulting in an unhealthy relationship where each tear apart at one another, chipping away to the point where they wake up one day looking at a stranger.

After all, trying to make things happen when they are not naturally developing is an indication in of itself of neediness, and that person may not be the ideal one for us. The process is in place for a reason, trust it!

As for nudging things along, well, that is something different…

question: when do you reveal?

independent woman...

A few weeks ago, while I was sitting at a bar sharing a beer with several male colleagues at Manchester Airport, the subject of relationships came up (funny how the conversation seems to steer this way eventually). I was reflecting on that conversation, as well as where I have heard the same request of other men in passing over the years, and even more recently in a relationship where it was professed that it is one of the many qualities I possess that are likeable (this was before getting to the emotional intimacy). Then it hit me, that the *codeword* of men, when they say that they want an

…independent woman: they mean someone who is not emotionally available, that feelings are a scary thing and would not want to be bothered.

Kind of akin to *I just want someone who is like one of the guys.* (Got to give props to Dad on that one, great description, Dad!)

When we women here those words, the knee jerk response is “I *AM independent, I have my own career, own money, can take care of myself, thankyouverymuch”. Yet this is what a man does not mean when he says *independent*. It is possibly their way of saying that emotional intimacy is something that scares them, that getting to truly know someone is frightening, and letting a woman know who they truly are is a ticket to perceived rejection that would be painful.

The roles/expectations/needs of men and women in relationships have changed drastically over the past few generations. The days where a woman needs a man to provide a home, financial security and food on the table are long gone (well, not for everyone and not in all cultures, and for the sake of this discussion, heterosexual relationships are being explored). We are at the stage in relationships now where we women want emotional security, we want to open up and feel safe with our partner. And for a relationship to be open, loving, safe and authentic, emotional intimacy is one of the building blocks—for both involved.

Men are programmed to *fix* things, and when they cannot, they feel helpless. That is probably why some dislike watching us as we are in labor. They cannot help. They cannot fix. And it could be possible that the very feeling of helplessness consumes them when it comes to emotional intimacy. I mean, their father or their grandfathers did not have to do this, so where is the role model and why is it necessary, anyway?

They say money cannot buy happiness. That things and objects cannot replace love. As women have evened the score by providing for themselves, it has opened up the realization that regardless of how well we provide for ourselves, whether male or female, it cannot substitute for emotional intimacy in a relationship.

On the flip—what if true emotional intimacy is not achieved in a relationship? Or what happens when we perceive that we are there, only to see that our partner cannot take the next step(s)?

I have learned this the hard way: when we are afraid of emotional intimacy, we let the little one at the wheel, seduced by what is perceived as *adult logic* and start running. Creating chaos in our relationships. Holding others responsible for how we feel and what actions result from those feelings. Allowing ourselves to be held responsible for what others feel. Always feeling like we need to be rescue and try to rescue others. Running from relationships. Overachieving. Having to cough up exhaustive lists as to why we are late, did not get something done on time. The inability to truly commit. Making others responsible for our happiness. Acting out in pain and being destructive. Consumed by fear, fear of rejection, fear of abandonment. The list can go on and on…


Where all along, it is the little one inside that is seeking the approval, validation and love to fill a void from long ago. After all, we are predisposed through something in our childhood that may link love with pain. It makes us more predisposed to be involved in a relationship where both partners are co-dependent… unhealthy.

It has been a painful journey, nurturing my little person inside, yet only at times for I manage to break through the painful parts of the journey. I have come to understand WHY I chose to do things, and embrace the feelings underneath the surface that drove me in the past. Do I falter at times? YES. I am perfect? NO. Will I ever be perfect? NO. (no one can, period). Am I healthy? YES. Am I still in my process? YES. Does it hurt sometimes? YES. Is it worth it? YES!

We are never cured, we only manage, and when we choose to manage the child in us, it is healthy. Meaning, that we will have these feelings from the little one inside surface over the years, they may never go away. The difference lies in how we ACT on those feelings, or most importantly, choosing NOT to act. And of course that comes to the perception of self worth, the foundation of it.

We are all worthy of love.
We are worthy of being loved.
We are worthy to love another.
We are beautiful creatures inside.
We are scared. Frightened. Nervous.
We are human.

Things never stay the same, life is one long process. We tend to think the world may end if we reveal ourselves to someone, if we take the risks in life, if we face our inner music and the child within. Once we let go of control, surrender to the process, our lives will seem more relaxed, the stress is lower… we can breathe.

(what a diatribe!)

So, I am NOT independent, not by the *codeword* meaning. I am a human, a woman, who seeks to intimately know her emotions and feelings each day and is willing, wanting, and needing the same from a man. Honesty and truth comes from that. A bond that can flex with changing times and situations, over the years, comes from that. Many beautiful things come from that, even if the process to get there at times is difficult, for staying and sticking it our with another in true emotional intimacy is the greatest adventure of all.

question: what is your codeword?

my nakedness...

Continuing from the book that I have read while en route to the States…

As mentioned in my last blog entry, had I read this book when received, it may not have had the impact that it has now. I see it closing the loop on all of the development I have encountered over the past year, similar to an affirmation of who I am and where I am now in my life journey of self understanding, honesty and acceptance. “if I expose

…my nakedness: as a person to you, do not make me feel shame.”

The crux of humanity’s hindrance is shame. Were it not for shame, we could possibly be more open to loving ourselves and others, accepting ourselves and others without fear and the need to be emotionally unavailable (or asking for help!). To get there, shame needs to take a back seat and managed inside before stepping outside and embracing others—without making them feel shame or judgment. It may loop back to not feeling responsible for how others feel as well as not holding others responsible for our feelings. That takes courage and a good dose of self love and worth.

On the flip—what if self worth, acceptance and love is not instilled in us as we grow up? How does one turn the corner in this?

Wanting to turn the corner—to stop the running and self loathing that results in a vicious cycle of depression that can be more intense at times—by ridding the opiate of logic is something that should be chosen. We cannot force anyone to do it. And we are ready when we chose to do so.

Getting there is scary, yet just like a bee sting the pain is temporary… we survive the first bout. Of course at times it is not easy, yet as we grow stronger inside it becomes more manageable and encouraging. The bumps (from my experience) is when we start evolving as beautiful people, those who are around us are not ready for it and may try to hurt us.

It is a scary litmus test because those around us who are not on the same journey may not understand and hence may want to abandon or inflict pain. Even family. It is like they do not want us to change for they feel like we are leaving them behind, so they fight to cling on to the *old* us—the one that participated in linking love with pain, allowing ourselves to be controlled by their emotions and held responsible for said emotions, never living our life, running from our life for we are too busy getting consumed by the negative energy—very akin to withdrawal symptoms. Their drug of *old* us is no longer available.

I have lost friends in this process. I have cut out family in this process. I have learned that I am amazing, kind, loving and worthy. To have the toxic effects of those who want to hold me back, those who do not want to truly understand and love me for who I am… those who try to poison with shame and hold me responsible for how they feel and what they choose to do… will only steer me from my life. My compassion wants them to come around the bend, enjoy and share in who I am, who they can be, yet if they choose not to do so, I do not want to become a part of the carnage.

question: what is your nakedness?

so scared...

Lovely flight to the US! I enjoy these long hauls, for you are trapped into doing what you please for 10 hours—forced down time. Albeit I did some work for there are deadlines waiting for me when I return…

I was able to do more journaling via hand, as well as reading. I zipped through a book that my Dad gave me a few years ago, (Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am?) and to be honest if I read it then it would not have had the reaffirming impact it had yesterday. Funny how we embrace things at the right time!

The book is about being in touch with your feelings, how to navigate the adult-child-parent trifecta we have emotionally and how we act. And how some are

…so scared: for "I am afraid to tell you who I am, because if I tell you who I am, you may not like who I am, and it is all that I have."

I have battled this and I hope that I am becoming better at it. To be so vulnerable with someone takes a lot of trust and love, unconditional love. Even more so, it takes a strong sense of self and self esteem to do this, realizing that only we own our emotions and cannot be held responsible for other’s emotions (and we cannot hold others responsible for how we feel). And, that we do not judge others and the actions they take, even if it is from a place of pain and fear. Compassionate understanding of another, unconditional love, is scary, for it requires us to be naked, totally naked.

On the flip—how does one start in sharing “who I am”? Is the pay off worth being emotionally naked with another? And what if they cannot reciprocate? Then what?

Well, I think looking at it as a pay off depends on what meaning we assign to the words “pay off”: if it means we grow as an individual, empowering the other to grow and embrace who they are, then yes, absolutely! Even if things do not come to fruition, even if the other cannot do it and things must cease for a while, to love unconditionally and accepting another is powerful and the essence of humanity. If reciprocity is not there, it is only because one is not ready and it is not a reflection of who we are… trust the process, the beauty will unfold when it is time.

question: what is your fear?

the leap...

Yes, we all know that I have been through a lot—love, heartbreak, self introspection, the whole nine yards.

There are many things in development right now in my life, and the choices I have in front of me are for me.

I wanted to let someone know of how things are transpiring, and at first I was thinking maybe this is not such a good idea (see? Brain wired to be negative!). Yet this person still has meaning for me, I am still exploring why even after all that we have been through and the time that has passed, yet I knew that I had to do something, so I picked up the phone. No, Jenny was not at the wheel, just good ol’ grown up Jen. I took action and made

…the leap: by making the call and letting this person know that I miss them

as the conversation drew to a close.

I did not do it as a test—I did not do it to see if there was reciprocity, denial, rejection. I meant it, I mean it!

It feels wonderful to be secure and safe in my own being to do this, without expectations or fears. My line has always been *anticipate everything and expect nothing*.

On the flip—what if we do not take that leap and express ourselves? And if we do decide to do so, how do we know if it is a healthy impulse, or the need to have acknowledgement at all costs?

Checking in to our little one who wants to drive, taking an inventory quickly of the motivation will help. Yet we need to be at the point of knowing who we are, what motivates us, scares us, what soothes us from both the little one and our grown up selves to be sure it is the grown up who is in touch with the feelings that makes the decision.

Plus, it may move another to make a difference too, for our contribution could be the very motivation they need.

No regrets!!! No agenda, nada. It is truly how I feel. This person still moves me…

question: when do you leap?

its impulses...

Ok, ok, it is another Grey’s Anatomy moment!

I like listening to Meredith speak over the show, there are some things that we listen to yet not really pay attention to while it rolls, for it seems so simple. Yet like many things in life, there is always a duality in what we hear. After all, words have meaning, and we each assign a meaning to the words we hear, possibly different from others who hear the same words for they, like us, use who they are and their experiences as their sounding board. The same goes for reactions and our bodies, for “the body naturally follows

...its impulses: which makes it hard to control.

Of course sometimes we have impulses we should rather not control, that we later wish we had. The body is a slave to its impulses, but what we know is what we can control. After the storm, after the rush, after the heat of the moment has passed we can cool off and clean up the messes we made. We can try to let go of what was… oh then again…

( I wont waste a minute without you)”

Those impulses can be physical, where we cannot hold ourselves back with another. We wake up and think… oh, boy…

And the impulses can also be when we feel something, and our brain seduces us into thinking it is something else. When we are raised to feel love as pain, when we enter true love, we feel the pain and our brain tells us to run to the hills. That is the flip side of the impulse.

Funny that when we hear things about impulses and our bodies, we (well most) automatically thinks of sexual experiences, kisses and the like. We never seem to come to pass on listening to our bodies, really listening when we are faced with a situation where our bodies are feeling something, yet we let logic talk us out of it. Then the feelings deep inside, the fears and the fright, are not faced with self honesty.

On the flip—why is our mind seemingly *protecting* us from the feelings? Why does our body fight to be heard, only for us to silence it with logic?

(addie, of course) logic is the opiate of those who are afraid of their feelings. We think we are protecting ourselves with decisions, we are actually fooling ourselves with that logic, when all along we may be running from our inner truth. The brain, after all, is wired to be negative.

And with that, we run away from our self, the one who truly loves us and our lives. Never able to be our authentic self. Unless of course once we cool off, we choose to be open the next time around to feel everything, listen, then understand what we are truly running from—the one who loves us, the one who we will not waste a minute without.

question: what is your impulse?

my hero...

I think it is a wonderful thing when we chase our dreams, in spite of the odds in front of us. The odds can be self imposed, from our childhood, or just the sheer challenge itself is steep. Or a combination of the three.

Usually it is a combination of the three—our fears and questioning our abilities, coupled with our being raised in a way where we may deep inside feel insignificant, alongside a difficult task. You fill in the blanks with the features, like a math problem…. X + Y + Z =??

We never know what another’s obstacles are, yet when they triumph we should celebrate those who overcome, even if we do not know what deep rooted self challenges and self talk lie beneath the surface, so with that a huge shout out for

…my hero: a colleague who embarked upon an amazing journey

of both physical and spiritual today—he finished the Barcelona Marathon!

I think of all the training he did, the excitement when he finished running his first long distance run (marathon length) and bounced into the office the next day with the largest smile he has ever sported (well, at least at work!).

And that got me thinking, why do we strive so hard at times to prove something to ourselves… or are why trying to prove our validity to someone else by taking on huge, almost insurmountable tasks? Only we know deep inside…

On the flip-- what happens if we do not look deep inside ourselves and understand why we strive to achieve, or for some, over achieve?

Easy, we are possibly running from our lives. Living for others, being held responsible for their feelings and expectations, will lead us running for sure… away from our self, the one we love and our lives. Only we know our truth.

I guess that is why we have marathons.

Congrats to Henrik T!!! He proved to himself that he can do it. He did it! Now, the big test is tomorrow… walking around seeing the sights…

question: what is your longest distance?

we crave...

Another solo night at home! This week has been rather uneventful, which is good. Yes, the silence of being alone at times is dull, angst filled and outright lonely at times, yet when taking a step back and looking at things from the larger perspective, it is wholesome. Next week has me in the UK for a few days, and then in the US 14 to 20 March. And April Fool’s weekend has girly weekend away, destination still unknown!

So needless to say the TV has been on, quietly in the background, for a little *white noise* (addie’s term!). A show called *House* running one night and a line stood out:

…“we crave: meaning so that we can create happiness”.

Or self propelled misery, sadness, joy, bliss…

We assign meaning to everything we do, see, feel, hear, touch and experience. It is a process in which we make sense of the world around us, only to give sense to whatever crosses our path, hence creating meaning.

On the flip—is happiness created when we have meaning, even though it is sad in nature? What if having meaning alone, regardless of the pain or joy, is inherent to the human condition?

What I have been through over the past few months was joyous and sad. And then lately (especially this past week!) it has been uneventful. I am content, yet it seems that there was a greater purpose in life, like being propelled into a mission (for me craving a healing one) and hence meaning. The happiness came after things made sense, after the meaning became clear and I understood where the process was leading me.

Ok, maybe I am reaching for a few straws. Yet it seems that when creating meaning, it leads to purpose, process, understanding then happiness. I know from my personal experiences, fighting the demons inside, once I understood the context of little Jenny and who I am as an adult, it allowed me to let go of the painful past and have a new sense of meaning. I have never been happier nor more peaceful (yes, there are down days every now and then, that is what makes life interestingly beautiful). It allowed me to share myself freely with another and to not run away from myself, the one who loves me nor my life. Yes, I think I have reached that peaceful bliss.

Even when alone.

question: what do you crave?

everything has...

Personal writing has been at an all time high for me these past six months. I have my e journal, this blog, you name it. When I was in Münich I realized that I have not hand written squat in a journal and it could very well be that self exploration could be augmented by it. So I picked one up, it is beautiful, and started writing fervently while on the plane home. My boss looked over at me, for he was sitting beside me, and asks *feel better?*. Yes, yes yes! His comment had duality to me—acknowledging me and my need to express and explore and how it is a part of who I am, while demonstrating that he is a gentle person who cares how others are doing. Kisses to Jesper!

So I have been writing like a champ in it, and hit another milestone. Writing by hand is more revealing than I ever thought, for it showed me that

…everything has: a reason in the *process* and arrives only when we are ready

to see things and accept them.

Throughout time I have not been too overly occupied with what people may think of me and my actions, for if we are pushed away then it is their loss for not getting to know us. Or maybe we are just not for them. Whatever, no biggie. The point being that had I started hand writing any earlier, I may have missed the following growth opportunity.

I learned, through hand writing freestyle (which we cannot do when using an e journal, it is sooo easy to strike and edit), that subconsciously I may have tendencies to be preoccupied with what my actions and words communicate, hence I was possibly being self protective to a degree. I acknowledge this, for there are times where my initial reaction is *so-and-so is rejecting me*, yet I coach myself out of that terrible thought digression—it can be getting turned down from a job, being told that the work I am doing is not up to snuff, whatever.

Then I did something about it, put myself to the test, so to speak. I wrote my heart out on 24 pages, ripped them out and sent them to the person that has been and is a part of my life, albeit not actively so in the sense that we are actively engaged tis very moment. In the sense that I am learning and growing each day from our experiences.

When we write personally, we have no intentions, no goals, other than to explore. We are not trying to change or understand anyone but ourselves. So what we communicate is raw and interpretation is for us to explore ourselves, without judgement nor expectations. There are no goals in the sense that we are trying to change what people see in us, nor encouraging them to act in any way. It is just there.

So of course as I waited in line at the post, the little Jenny inside was thinking *what is this saying when we send it? What will they think?*. I acknowledged the fear, dealt with it and let it go. We cannot be held responsible for what others feel, or better put, what they choose to feel. And with that I let go the notion of what actions and words communicate, for I had no goals nor a mission with sending it.

He can... open it. Not open it. Read it. Embrace it. Hop on a plane. Throw it away. Save it. Return it. Burn it. Pick up the phone. Be silent. Love it. Not read it. Hate it. Mull over it. File it. Act. Share it. Not act. Cry. Write. Laugh. Get angry. Accept it. Feel joy. Interpret it. Crumple it. Reread it. Keep it...

Any of the above, any combination of feelings and actions.

(hence anticipate everything and expect nothing)

I just wanted to share and that is it. Why? Well, that part is a little personal for it deals with another and it is not open for advertisement. Other than I understand why things are happening in the way I see them, this person is still amazing and I wanted to share my thoughts on it. Nothing else.

*Old Jen* (Jen led by Jenny, the little girl inside, with her driving at the wheel) would not have sent it, afraid of what the other will think. Jenny would have just broiled, moped, looking to be rescued. As for sending it, of course little Jenny would hope for something to occur, yet as I discovered through my process I am sending my personal pages, there are no intentions whatsoever, there are no expectations whatsoever. Big girl in the driver’s seat!

On the flip—rationalizing, anyone? Or are we kidding ourselves?

My thoughts are there is an absence of over-rationalizing and hence a balance. As addie stated, *logic is the opiate of those who are afraid of their feelings*. I may be analyzing things, yet that is just to double check that I am balanced between the two (logic and feelings) and to learn from it. Not to correct, not to explain.

Sending the journal pages is a part of my personal liberty, setting me free from the shackles of the fear of repercussions secondary to worrying about what my words communicate. Yes, of course I think about what I do/say communicates to others, do not get me wrong, I want to be loving, understanding and supportive with my actions and words. Yet over the years I have been OBSESSED at times with what it communicates, to the point of suffocating myself with fear, driven by the need to be accepted at all costs. I know where that comes from—upbringing. That is another thread indeed…

question: what is your obsession?

off again...

I have another blogspot where I explore my feelings. I guess you can call it my *processing center*. I like to compartmentalize things, blending all subjects and intentions into one big pot is a challenge.

So on http://unearthed-bliss.livejournal.com/ I explored people, places and things and how we get hurt. And how we cope… so I am

…off again: on a new adventure.

Next stop: the US. CT, again!

“Things cannot hurt us, places cannot hurt us. People with things and in places can. I guess that is why I like planes”.

Living abroad can be suffocating, and I have to find my way to *dance out of my constriction* every now and then. So it is off to follow my passion for righting the world and correcting injustice by attending a “Withdraw the Troops” rally in Hartford, Connecticut on St. Patrick’s Day. Plus see my dad, some of the fam, and possibly tend to a little biz.

I realize that I seek solace through travelling, and yes it can perceivably be that I am running. I see it as a healthy escape, just like listening to music. The core of me was raised moving, it makes up who I am and I have embraced it. Travelling equals comfort. Plus, I tend to reconnect with myself when absorbed in my culture for a little bit. My ex even notices that I am more charged up when I return. I feel more integrated and more of a participant here when I quench my thirst.

It could also be that I associate good times with flying, for when I was growing up I looked forward to hopping on the plane in the summer time to visit my dad.

I have learned that there are several things that keep my world humming along—music, getting involved in causes, driving fast and putting myself in new and challenging situations. Here, well, my music (old school hip hop and R&B) is found nowhere, so I reactivated my SIRIUS satellite subscription via the internet and I do feel better. I go home and get involved, since here it can be tough to do for several reasons. That is how I nurture myself. My music and need to get involved in causes are my remedies for my need to feel needed, have a sense of belonging and validated. I drive fast (the only driving law I break is the speed limit, nothing else), listening to music and singing along. Albeit I wish I had my satellite radio in the car like I did at home!

On the flip—what if we cannot escape, or do not know how? What if we feel that we do not deserve the validation our soul needs, afraid to healthfully nurture our spirits?

It would be denying ourselves the ability, inherit right, to become beautiful people. We can only give back when we are charged up and excited about life.

question: what is your escape?

the key...

Building upon our conversation of how staying with our love is the “greatest adventure of all,” it has struck me that

…the key: to doing so is by not seeking approval

from the one we love. Follow me on this.

Growing up, we seek approval from our parents. It is a simple fact of life. If we do not resolve the underpinning issues of our childhood—particularly those when we are rejected by our parents by not getting their approval and love—we carry it into our adult relationships and seek approval from our mate, or make choices to get the approval of our parents. It is taking the infamous “had you known better you would not have hurt yourself” we heard as we were growing up (instead of “come here, I know you hurt yourself, let me hug you”), and the pain associated with it, and our need to get approval in spite of it, all the way through adulthood and into our relationships. End result= running from our love, our self and our life.

We then *fall in love*, *love* and are NOT able to give in an authentic way and will not allow ourselves to get so close that we could hurt. Why? While growing up, seeking approval and love, we were rejected and hence hurt. We never learned what it would be to make it past that pain, for our parents may have not been able to love us in a pure and unadulterated way.

So, we continue in grown up bodies, never getting close. When we do get close, the child inside of us panics, hits the red button and we as the adult runs. Instead of honouring the panic with self honesty, we in turn create reasons for not being able to stay—have to return home, change jobs, move—whatever the excuse, just as long as we do what we were trained to do when love starts to hurt—run.

No wonder there are so many of us who are broken! Once we are truly loved, our trigger mechanism from the past where we associate love with pain kicks in, and we take off running.

For the first time I did not run, nor did I hang on… in the past I would have, yet he was not ready to go on, and I did not *force* the relationship. My forcing it would have been my inner child trying to cling on to someone who would have hurt me, therefore giving in to my cycle of associating love with pain.

I gave up on seeking approval a long time ago from one parent. And then a few months ago I realized that I did not get to that stage with the other. I worked on it, and it has enabled me to operate approval-seeking-free, and the result? To be able to become close, to love without inhibition and to survive and let go should it not work out.

On the flip—what if we never get to that point where we do not seek approval?

We will continually be in a cycle of self denial, lacking the ability to be self honest, and perpetually heartbroken. Running, running running...

Break the cycle. Accept through self honesty. Forgive. Love.

question: what is your key to fulfillment?

we cannot...

Yeah, big Friday night sitting quietly doing nothing.

I was asked by my colleague, *turn that frown upside down*, what I have planned for the weekend… nada! I have zippo plans, nice after travelling a ton and this past week at work was insane. No sleep, so needless to say when I got home today I took a nice nap.

Of course my mind wandered a bit, thinking about all that has transpired over the past year and a little more focused upon recent events.

As mentioned earlier, logic is the opiate of those who are afraid of their feelings. Those who choose to run, often times, do it in the guise of being needed elsewhere. Part of that is feeding the need to be wanted and having to be needed by others on a level where they are not really challenged to love and grow. Regardless,

…we cannot: save people, all we can do is give them choices and opportunities.

The rest is up to them.

Terrible how at times we think we can rescue people. Yet the honest truth is that we can only change the world around us by changing ourselves, and that is it. And by running to rescue, we are feeding into our personal myth that the *saving* will change us, that others will see something in us that will make them want to choose us. Plus, rescuing may rob others of their growth process too.

There is a saying in Danish that translates to *the cat walking around the hot porridge*. Why do some choose to dance around the issues? Dance around us? Dance around life, as opposed to being self honest, confronting fears and just going for it? And how do we separate the times when we want to rescue from *going for it*?

On the flip—what if running away is the way to self rescue? What if we do not let others keep on with their myth?

Of course we can see through the BS. Yet there is not much we can do, other than let the person go through their process and live through their illusional myth. It may be the very process they need to go through in order to change themselves, therefore changing the world.

Think about it… although we may not like what others choose, it does create new opportunities!

question: what is your myth?

releasing the...

Whoa! Something just hit me tonight! Another *I get it! I get it!*

I was driving home and heard a Tina Dico song playing on the radio (weird here, for she is Danish is not played often on the radio here). I felt uplifted, excited. I realize I am

…releasing the: pain and sorrow over the past few weeks

and am in the stages of spiritual renewal.

Her CD *In the Red* is significant for me. My 35th birthday gift from my *boyfriend* at work, I did not open it immediately when I received it, which is good for when I did, I was ready to listen (otherwise I would not have been as receptive, and what a blessing it was that I waited to play it).

I popped it into the brat-mobile’s CD player first in early October 2006. It reminds me of someone and the tender experiences we shared. I played it many times, for it brought sweet memories and created even sweeter ones. Then, it became a source of sadness after things ended and I thought I could never bear to hear her voice again.

The song that was playing is my favourite, *Warm Sand*. Usually it would have made me cry, thinking of the last time I heard it and where I was, yet this time I felt beautiful. Especially the chorus:

Warm sand underneath my feet,
no promises left for you to keep.
Fortune’s smiling back at me,
forgetting the things that could have been,
the things that might have been
and the things that should have been…

I was singing at the top of my lungs, even though I am still a little off key with my cold (damn it, Jesper!). Empowering. Uplifting.

On the flip—what to do when you cannot get past the music? What if that moment does not come, or what if it the feeling of letting go is temporary?

Of course we may wake up in a few days and feel down temporarily, with the high seemingly long gone. Yet think about it, a few days have gone by without the pain and what a gift it is. Soon those days will turn into longer stretches of days, then possibly weeks, then months with intermittent blue ones. Hopeful indeed!

After all, my book is not finished, I am open to everything, anything and everyone who enters and re-enters my journey.

question: when do you sing?

hope has...

Anger is a healthy thing. It has been a challenge to be able to feel and process anger, for at times I feel guilty in doing so. I remind myself it is not the feeling itself that is unhealthy, but rather how it is processed can be, especially if we hurt the one who loves us most.

Sitting on the side of the fence where hurt and pain landed, my compassion subdued anger that should have surfaced. No more! I have become angry, felt it, and as Augustine said

…hope has: two children, anger and courage.

Anger at the way things are and the courage to make it better. Perfectly said.

It takes compassion, understanding and love to overcome the potential unhealthy aspects of anger and embark on the journey towards hope. I heard this definition of hope—anger and courage-- the other night during a Colbert Report segment, and it is so true. Anger is just an ingredient of a greater whole—hope. To transcend it we need courage.

Courage to stand up. Courage to let go. Feel the anger, let it hurt, embrace courage and turn it into hope. Once there is hope, we soldier on.

On the flip—what if we harbour anger at our parents throughout adulthood? What if we do not explore this through our self honesty as adults and address it through courage?

Solved—we hurt those who love us in relationships, then run. The courage necessary to overcome the anger buried deep is either not there, or we are not willing to take the courage. Instead, we act out of our buried anger towards our parents by taking it out on the one who loves us so in our relationships, by neglecting the relationship, them and running away eventually.

And that is why I did not chase—I saw that. I saw the anger inside, the unresolved anger towards parents that could have potentially been taken out upon me. Why fight for that? Courage is something that we choose on our own and no one can lead us there.

It starts with self honesty, self acceptance, letting go of the need to seek approval—the courage to do these very things. From this springs hope, then the ability to love and be loved freely, without inhibition, so that we can engage in the “greatest adventure of all”.

I can only hope that courage is chosen by us all.

question: when is your courageous moment?

close enough...

I get it! I get it!

I now realize why this last month, with the unknown and ensuing fall out, has hurt so much!

For the first time I have let someone

…close enough: to hurt me

and wow, how painful it can be! Yet liberating…

I think we all go through life looking for the soulmate without taking the risk—the risk of giving all of our self, in pure vulnerability. We are so guarded, keeping things in us close to us, calculate, and run so that we will not truly, deeply nor profoundly hurt should things have to end. Even if it the *end* is for a little while, for we never truly know if we will pick it up again with the same person down the road.

Even if we do not return to the journey with the person we have loved so, is it not wonderful to love freely, without inhibition? Yes, the pain hurts, the heart aches, the soul does not understand while the brain with its logic is trying to make sense of it all.

When we fall in love with someone new, it is an amazing ride on the merry go round. Yet, we forget that people are new only for the first day… then they can make us happy, sad, thrilled, as we get to know one another .. and one may run for that innocence of newness fades and the work commences. Or it is perceived as fading, and misperceived as work. More than likely, it is just that they are afraid to give and do not know how to receive love, and therefore run for the hills.

On the flip—what if we never, truly, in an unadulterated fashion, love and give? What if we decide to run instead?

If we choose to run, we end up avoiding our self, the one who truly loves us and our whole life.

We are all scared, to a degree. I was, I admitted it. Love, pure, honest, open and accepting love is scary. When we are not ready-- when we do not face up to our self honesty-- we let the little person inside take over and we run.

I did not run. I am tired of running from my self, the one who loves me and my whole life. I chose to face myself with honesty over a year ago and chose to never run again. I was, and am, living my life and being my authentic self. I could only imagine if the other did stay as well, as opposed to running away… for staying is the “greatest adventure of all”. I look forward to the time when the other chooses to stay for the adventure too.

Either way, I continue on. Life is amazing, especially when we give it our all in everything we do.

question: who is your adventure?

the tears...

I have been journaling these past few weeks—by hand!—and it is helping. Yet as I flew home from Italy earlier this week I hit that spot again, and wept quietly while going to the gate in Münich.

Gently, softly, without notice, as they started a while ago and have continued every so often,

…the tears: of love lost, hope, struggle within and yearning

streamed down my cheek even more so as the plane took off.

I know that it was not me, yet I wonder, what drives someone to consciously decide to stop loving? It is fear inside, the fear of being vulnerable and being loved. It was not me, who I am and what I bring to the table that ended it. I was left behind. And I think that is the worst place to be. Or is it?

It is the first time that I did not chase. The little girl inside wants to act, the adult says no, not right now. I have wanted to pick up the phone, yet what stops me is knowing that I did not decide this, I was powerless in the current outcome and it is not for me to mend. Ball is in the other court.

The pain every now and again surfaces, much less as of late for I am choosing not to have negative energy take away my spirit. What makes it a challenge is that I know deep inside the love did not die, it was even admitted to me as I was heading towards immigration a few weeks ago. And then as I was getting stamped I briefly looked over my shoulder… I will never forget what I saw.

I know why it came to an unannounced halt (I think that is partly why I ache sometimes, I was not prepared for the sudden departure). Knowing the true reason—running away in fear, going back to the only thing that can take the fear of being loved away by moving, changing jobs, whatever logic/excuse used to escape the feelings—is what makes it harder. I am empathetic and compassionate and can see through the bullshit. However, it would ease things if *I am not prepared to do this right now, I will not be able to love you as I should, I am not ready for this right now* was said-- the willingness to come clean with the true reason via self honesty behind the run.

On the flip—what if there are no tears? Too angry? Insensitive? Or the period of numbness?

So as silence hits, as things slow down and the opportunity for bittersweet memories of love lost start to resurface, I remember that I gave it my all that was warranted at that time. And I smile, for the experience alone was thrilling while it lasted, creating memories that puts the sparkle back into my eyes, and I move along I realizing that I am overcoming this. The freedom!!!

Proof in point? I am embracing everything, had a great time in Poland, and have more exciting things to come!

question: when do your tears fall?

the inspiration...

What an amazing weekend!

After returning from Switzerland a few weeks ago, I decided that night to throw myself out there and go to a place I have never been. SAS.dk, cheap tix and two weeks later, I find myself in Warsaw this weekend. Not knowing a soul, except for a friend of a friend (whom I have never met before) who was at the airport with friends in tow for a fun filled weekend.

Friday night was dinner with a few, pretty low key. Then Saturday came, finding myself at a party with over 50 people, meeting new faces and all walks of life. After leaving the party about 1:30am and planning on turning in for the evening, a few rescued me from the hotel for a fun night in downtown Warsaw with amazing conversation.

The subject wandered around life in general, what makes us get up in the morning. The focus narrowed on writing and what is

…the inspiration: that moves people and the world they occupy.

It came to two things:

being in love and heartbreak

Interesting, and rather truthful. Do we ever get profound without being in love, or having our heart break?

And I thought about the silence that comes—that serenity when things are in place and there is no chaos. It seems that when we are there, we are moving yet not being moved.

On the flip—could it be that while we are moving, we are just taking the energy that has moved us and putting it into action? Or are we fooling ourselves by being busy so that for a bit we turn off the thoughts and shelve the feelings for a bit?

When in love and when heartbroken, creativity is abound. That quiet, introspective creativity. As healing progresses, it seems that life picks up again and going through the motion is simple and fulfilling. That could very well be why my previous entry was so, uh, scattered. I may have caught myself transcending the pain from the weeks before at the very moment and embarking upon the silence. Process in motion, time shall tell.

question: when are you inspired?

empty handed...

I have no idea where to start this entry… so much has been going on between the heart, mind and soul these past few weeks that I can honestly say, for the first time, I am feeling rather

…empty handed: minus thoughts, feelings you name it, nothing salient to offer at this moment.

Ah, silence, maybe? Empty headed feels more like it.

Or it could be total exhaustion! Work has me all over Europe and tomorrow I am off to get away for the weekend. Then Monday it starts with the travelling again (yea) and the following weekend, albeit was to go skiing, finds me at home. After next weekend, no trips, no travel for a while. Just as well, for there are things that need to be tied up here in DK.

As I was struggling to get home this morning and all through last night while stuck in Frankfurt, I held on to the notion of trusting the process. I was to be home from Milan last night, yet thanks to fog, diverted aircraft, 2 hour unplanned bus ride to get to said aircraft, in the air late and missing my connection, I kept thinking *what is to intersect my life due to the unexpected*? Other than getting home the next day dog tired. Why did I need to be away from home a little longer? What is out there to greet me that I would have ordinarily missed had things gone as planned?

On the flip—when do we feel, and when should we get busy getting silent? Or shut off the thinking for a bit, how to do it? Stay busy? When to rest and absorb? When we slow down, don’t we tend to think a little too much?

Balancing between the above even I have found to be tough as of late. I am starting to wonder if I need to just let go a bit, quit replaying everything in my head. Then again, I also need to forgive myself too, heck, it has been not even two weeks… I have allowed myself to feel, and I am wondering, just maybe, if the busyness is a way to protect myself. Even for a few days. Maybe it is part of the process of adjusting to the changes as of late.

Lene is correct. I think too much at times!!! Any tips on how to *just be*? And as I reread this, I see that (once again) my need to know what is coming up surfaces…

I look forward to understanding from a broader perspective why the past few weeks and several months occurred, and what it is meant for my life. You know, that *oh NOW I get it* moment!

There are many variables in play, even though I do not know what is going on with the other side. And yes, tempting to reach out, for of course there could be some clarity, yet I did not choose to go alone, so… only time will tell, and hence trust the process.

As demonstrated, I too am having a heck of a time doing so. My mind is working overtime, and I need to just let that go. Thought circles are endless, are they not? Tips on how to break it?

I think I will start with laundry to blunt the overthinking, packing for my trip (well, unpack, repack). And ready for a weekend full of new people, places and things-- the anticipated unexpected and the beauty that comes along with it.

question: when do you ramble?

more time...

I am so happy that we get *Grey’s Anatomy* here in DK. I enjoy it very much, and look forward to my quiet Monday evening alone, blogging, writing, thinking, and finishing the evening with a good episode.

Last week delivered, as always, another episode that leaves you thinking. Meredith Grey, the main character, narrates the episode throughout and always ends it with a few thoughts as they pan in on the characters. She spoke of how “all that we ever want is

...more time: time to stand up, time to grow up, time to let go…

time”.

And it struck me, for I still have wonderful days sprinkled with sad moments. I had to pat myself on the back, for I am waking each day regardless of the pain.

For once I did not chase, giving in to the little girl. I stood up as a woman. And in doing so I was able to create the distance needed to grow, and hence the space to let go. Of course in letting go I am wrought with sadness, joy, anger and hopefulness. As time passes the healing slowly takes place and letting go, for now, as a process shall open my eyes.

On the flip—what if there was more time to fight? More time to develop with another?

As I was looking over my shoulder so briefly last weekend, while riding the train and tram as the sun sparkled with renewed hope, I wished inside that I had more time. More time to love, more time to grow, more time to give… I sat at a kitchen table fervently writing away, trying to encapsulate in the few minutes left all I had to give. Attempting to pack in everything that is me, in a handful of moments and words, and of course that is impossible to do. I miss my soulmate so…

To only have more time… to..

dance salsa together to Spanish Harlem. Go out as one. Love one another. Celebrate. Shop. Cook. Watch movies. Continue our kissing at every turn. Ride the tram. Fly to one another. Live. Breathe. Love. Enjoy. Cultivate. Bond. Grow. Accept one another. Become one. Listen to Tina Dico. Oh I wish we had more time…

Then I gave in, or rather surrendered and accepted that no matter what there is never enough time, and if the other is not willing to fight as well, slamming everything into a short period is nearly futile. The gift of us cannot be appreciated in a snippet.

That is why I give, we never have enough time. Even more of a reason to live life to the fullest, loving ourselves and those around us, never fearing who we are, what we have to give to this world and choosing to stop running.

Even though at times it hurts, that recoil from love lost after giving, I have to remember Addie’s comment that it is worthwhile to do so, for that is the essence of living. And to remember that when together with our soulmate, we should treat time so preciously, giving our all, and if our soulmate chooses otherwise it is time to let go. For now.

question: when is your finest hour?

perfect moment...

I need to make a better habit of visiting addie’s blog, www.placesiveneverbeen.com, more often. She is an amazing girl, one who is willing to take the risk of loving unconditionally with faith coupled in the hope of earning her heart’s wings.

So this morning while working at home, I dropped in to see what addie has been up to and read more of her personal writing. On the front page of her blog is a picture of a girl holding a fortune cookie paper that says “if you wait too long for the

…perfect moment: the perfect moment will pass you by.”

Sheesh. So true.

There is so much going on in this world, inside us and around us it seems almost impossible to identify the perfect moment. So much noise. The perfect moment is a brief second in a larger continuum of time, that uncertain period of what constitutes the *long goodbye*.

How do we decide when is the perfect moment? Do we go with the

(heart): go with what you feel

-or-

(logic): never let the emotions lead the way (Dad’ism)

-or-

(balance the feelings with logic???)

-pause here-

(kisses to addie): logic is the opiate of those who are afraid of their feelings.

On the flip—should we wait for the *oerlikon moment* instead-- when things come full circle, then decide? Wait, that is logic at the wheel, where is the heart in this? Or maybe the perfect moment was wrapped inside the oerlikon moment and hence has passed us by?

feel.love.wait.hope.think.breathe. (not necessarily in that order nor those ingredients)

I wish I knew the magic behind knowing when is the perfect moment… I guess the trick is to live life everyday with heart, soul and mind, loving others and sharing our gift. trust.the.process

question: what is your opiate?

the fight...

I was working the other day in the R&D department, mapping out flowcharts for a project and my head was hurting. Trying to put logic into the disease of diabetes is insane—always a battle of which came first, the chicken or the egg. A colleague saw that I wrote frowny face above it all—my way of putting a label on how I was feeling, for this project is demanding and I am trying to give it everything while my emotional fuel tank is low.

And that got me thinking, about the conversation that Addie and I had on an earlier conversation here about putting up

…the fight: of your life for the one you love,

the energy it requires and whether or not if it is even right to fight.

I have been torn with that, looking back over my shoulder. Should I have fought harder? Was my not fighting the equivalent of abandonment?

What I would have been fighting for is someone who needed time to heal, and doing that work needs to be initiated on their own—both in their choosing and in their time. I wanted to fight for us, so hard. I am still torn…

On the flip—what if we win the fight, and get the prize, someone who is not ready? What if we succeed in keeping them from running?

It can be selfish when we fight to keep our loved one from running, for it could perceivably be giving in to the little person inside us that needs acceptance, love and acknowledgement at all costs, even from someone who does love us but does not want us right now, or cannot have us right now. And it is not letting our soulmate grow the way they should—alone for a bit so that they are ready for us. Even if they are running—from themselves, from the love we have to give. They need to grow first alone, then return when ready.

We deserve nothing less, especially when we have learned to love ourselves and know that we deserve love, from someone who is healthy in the sense that they recognize why they wanted to run, did what they did, and are willing to be vulnerable with us every step of the way while engaging in their self honesty. We are never cured, we are never perfect, only healthy when we face our inner music, after all. And it is so beautiful when both are doing the work while acceptingly loving each other, making life journeyed by two so rewarding—worthy of fighting for.

And after reading this several times, it has occurred to me that both need to fight for it, the love they share and the relationship, together. One cannot fight for it alone, and if only one is willing to put up the fight, well… it is not a good thing. Then again, the one who runs may be putting up the fight in their own way—to become whole again so that the journey of two is built upon a more solid foundation. Yet it can also be more admirable when the one who recognizes they are running stops in their tracks and says *I will run no longer, I will face this and my fears*. Many ways of looking at it… either way, trust the process, things happen for a reason and what is meant to be is meant to be (MUCH easier said than done).

As for the frowny face, my colleague erased the frown and in its place drew a smile. That is a positive thing, one I wrote down in my *5 positive things that happened today* list. Thank you, so much… you have no idea what that means to me, and it is such a gift.

question: when do you go into battle?

gratuity list...

As I was preparing dinner this evening, it occurred to me that today is a special day. Or would have been, depends on how it is viewed. Cooking gives me solace and a chance to process, and I realized that I need to take inventory of my

…gratuity list: things, experiences and people that I am most thankful for

especially over these past few weeks.

My thankfulness is bottomless, I do not even know how to express my gratuity other than live my life to the fullest and continue evolving. And the list, albeit exhaustive, may not be complete, yet this is what I have come to…

mother nature: for openly acknowledging my need to heal by starting to snow Monday morning as I headed to work.

peder: for being a wonderful, amazing being and friend by listening to me, being supportive, making time for our chats and offering an evening of pasta and time with his wife and baby girl. Also for our online and offline chats about life, our hopes, and that there is nothing more important than surrounding ourselves with loving people. You are the best!!!

water pipes bursting: for teaching me early this morning that we should never take anything for granted, including brushing our teeth and a warm shower.

lene: for checking up on me when the *news* hit, regularly, and enlightening me that the brain is wired for negative things, so to combat it we should write down 5 positive things that happened to us everyday. Also for reminding me that I think too much, and to combat it, the best thing to do is sing (my fave every time I drive)—you cannot think while singing!!

my *loss*: for showing me that miracles can happen, and it doing so it opens our eyes to those around us and offers salient lessons in life and about those who we love, demonstrating the character of others and highlights the ones who really care. And reaffirming who I am and the light that I have.

heidi: for the big hugs and words of encouragement, and of course for all of the clinical e mails that are forwarded to me (keeps me busy and mind sharp!). And for reminding me that I have a big heart that is worthy.

diabetes: for teaching me how to love myself, forgive myself and keeping my health on track. For giving me low blood sugars at times to remind me that the better days are so beautiful. You are my homie!

my *boyfriend*: for sweetly reminding me that I keep forgetting to bring candy to the office!

heartache: for gently reminding me that I am still human and am capable of feeling and loving.

mille: for the warm bath, wine and girly time. And for listening to my tears, holding me accountable for my thoughts and keeping the little girl inside on track.

bad drivers: for teaching me patience, the art of excellent and creative cursing, and reminding me that I am an excellent driver indeed!

jesper: for reminding me to breathe… through the nose! And thanks for the cough and sniffles! Also for reminding me that if things were so easy, anyone could do them, and we should appreciate our gifts.

late trains: that there is a reason for not making it on time, and to trust the process. Also for teaching me to be patient and enjoy waiting with others.

victoria: for keeping me out and about, and not to let sadness dim my fire by encouraging me to continue with the salsa lessons! And for the sage advice, the funny interpretation of what has happened that keeps me laughing.

cold weather: for reminding me to be thankful for a warm home, coat and that water does turn into ice, therefore I should be thankful that I have a pretty good sense of balance and fall gracefully!

my ex: for teaching me the power of forgiveness, being supportive and making me laugh my way through all of this.

dirt tracked into the house: for reminding me that we are not perfect, there is always some spiritual cleaning that we must do, and as soon as we have mastered one aspect, there is another opportunity for us to learn and *clean house* again (and, well, that maybe I do need a new outdoor carpet…)

my cat: for being the most consistent man in my adult life!!

Henrik T.: for putting a smiley face over that frowny one I had drawn when I was working on the white board, trying to put logic into diabetes management (tough!)

brat-mobile: for being an excellent concert hall, faithful companion as we speed with the windows down and no heat (the car does have heat, I run rather warm, and yes I do this even in the winter time!), on the way to work, allowing me to escape my thoughts and feel free.

my dad: for loving me and accepting me for who I am, and keeping me on track. Also for the great sayings I have accumulated over the years and the wisdom they have given me through the gift of you.

projects at work: for allowing me a way to express some of my gifts, the ability to engage with others and learn how appreciate said gifts. Even if projects are frustrating at times!!!

jamie: for doing what we do best—calling each other on *our shit* and holding each other accountable the only way a loving friendship knows how. My best friend and awesome girl from back home.

innocuous yellow thai peppers: for reminding me to never judge a book by its cover nor take anything for granted, especially when we rub our eyes! (those things are more hot than the red ones… who knew!!)

my *mom*: for our Sunday afternoon chats, shared by a glass of white wine, even though we are toasting one another from 5000 miles apart, for listening to me and helping me along my path.

this blog: for giving me a place to explore my feelings, for the amazing people who contribute their experiences and insight in the comments section, the conversations that we share so that we all continue to evolve as beautiful people.

That is what I have, for now. My list, as I look back is not complete, and I will work on it everyday by adding the 5 positive things, as well as other things for which I am gracious. And with that, I am gracious for this very day and its significance.

On the flip—what if we are not able to be gracious? what if we are not able to find the beauty in things?

I have had one heck of a few weeks—the inner child is calm, and the adult is hurt, angry and disappointed. Yet I pull back and look around me… I say, should we get stuck in the rut where it seems there is no sunlight, take a step back and breathe. There is beauty in everything that occurs and is present. And trust the process, for having the darker days allows us to better appreciate the ones and experiences that surround us, including our very self—after all, when all we have are lemons, time to make lemonade!

question: for what are you thankful?

blowing steam...

As adults we of course get angry, and to me at times the source is anger towards those who hurt us as we grew up by training us to see love as fearful, full of rejection and abandonment. And there are many ways to manage anger—writing, processing, venting. It is unhealthy when we vent our anger through the actions we take with the one who loves us now, particularly with our soulmate—whether passive aggressively through not being responsive, entering destructive behaviour in the relationship by letting our soulmate down, ignoring them—especially if we have not identified its source, the source being the little person inside who has yet to trust our grown up self. And it is even more dangerous when our soulmate does not understand, and we are not willing to work through it. Heck, anger is healthy, the trick is to process and feel it in a healthy way.

It is also important to understand our anger, meaning that when we start to let it out—however we do so-- we recognize the motivating factors. The other night I was

…blowing steam: venting about something so simple and innocent to process hurt and anger

and I know why. The subject matter was innocuous—work. And I admitted that I was layering and projecting—I was hurt and angry for many reasons and it had nothing to do with work, and I was still processing the source of my hurt and anger, trying to understand it. I got it out of my system without torturing my soulmate, without acting out towards my soulmate. And I had yet to be able to formulate why I was hurt and feeling angry, so process away on something innocent and frustrating as work.

Plus, I was hurt and am still hurting from the *long goodbye*, that uncertain amount of time, and what I am going through is a tough process. I am still evaluating what has transpired…

On the flip: what if we do not allow ourselves to get angry? What if we bottle it up and do not process it?

Carrying anger is lethal. It can allow us to be triggered into a rage, and words can be dangerous when they are thrown out at random, especially at the ones who love us unconditionally—faults, blemishes, joy and sparkle. And it can hold us back in our development, for it can impede self honesty, self understanding, and allow us to treat those who unconditionally love us poorly without understanding why we do what we do.

Abagail van Buren captures the essence of depression (yes, I know... go ahead and say it, I DO read Dear Abby!)-- depression is the direct result of anger turned inward. Anger at ourselves, the anger that we carry towards those that loved us the only way they knew how yet unfortunately with pain-- and we carry it inside, never expressing it nor processing it. Instead, we act out in pain, lashing at those who truly love us and run from them, while continually putting ourselves in harm's path trying to rid the pain we endure. A cycle that must be broken in order to love ourselves, allow ourselves to love while able to accept love-- true, unadulterated, unconditional love that accepts our whole being, faults and everything.

So go ahead. Get mad. Get pissed. Then get on the road to happiness and fulfillment! Let the inner child speak to those who rejected and abandoned us, then embrace the inner child, forgive yourself and the inner child, forgive those who hurt us along our path and learn to love yourself. Let the anger set in motion a new direction, choose healthy ways to get it out—write, talk to a trusted friend or even psychotherapist, create, cook, whatever—and then let it go.

question: how do you blow steam?

...so close

Still in my process, looking back at what has transpired over the past five days and learning how to get a grip while keeping the beauty of life on fire.

Love is an amazing experience. It offers insight and opportunities for growth for both involved, only if each take the offering. And the signal is strong, it is when you get the feeling of fright and flight, and at that point you must make a choice, especially when you get

…so close: you get confused.

When this hits, it is time to take a step back and listen to your inner voice. The confusion is the signal—it is the little girl or boy inside that is screaming “I do not know how to love, I do not know how to accept love and I am so scared…”

This comes from our upbringing, ingrained from others who were supposed to love us unconditionally but did not know how. It is the parent who can only show how they care by the disdain of your experiences growing up, the only way they know how to say “I love you and I care.” We are all functionally dysfunctional, and when we realize this, we have to make the choice to listen and heal, or run.

Remember when you were little? What were the words of comfort? When you got hurt, was it a “come here my dear, let’s mend this together”, or “you should have known better to ____”? If we are trained over the years with the latter, we associate being loved with pain, rejection and a lack of acknowledgement. So of course as we get older we chase that love and acceptance by running—whether it be from relationship to relationship, feeling needed to the point that we jump into anything or move constantly. And we wake up one day and see that we cannot alleviate that pain, the constant desire to be loved and accepted when we look into the eyes of someone we love and realize that we cannot give, that we see their sparkle and know we do not know how to accept it. Time to make a choice. Stay –or-run-or-walk away a bit to heal and return.

The best course is to step back, take advantage of hearing our little one inside screaming, embrace him or her, love them, acknowledge them, build trust and ask for forgiveness. When these steps are taken we over time are ready to return to the one who loves us truly, deeply, unconditionally, so that we can continue our loving journey as destined—by two.

On the flip—what if the person we love hits this stage and they must walk away and heal? What do we do in the interim? What if they do not choose to heal, or are too afraid to take the journey of healing?

Love them as you let go. If it is meant to be, they will return. The love you have to give will be better appreciated and reciprocated when they return. It will be for all better. And in the meantime, trust the process. It is happening for a reason, and we have the chance to grow too while the uncertain long goodbye is in motion.

question: what is your confusion?

long goodbye...

These past few days have been very intense emotionally. I do not even know where to start, and that indicates to me that I need more time to process. And to trust the process.

Our conversations of late have been around sowing and harvesting seeds of love, how long to wait and when to let go. I am learning that sometimes we have to let go at first only to come back again. Or at least have that hope, for it helps when working through the issues. Yet there comes a time when we must engage in that uncertain

…long goodbye: where we must let go of someone we love dearly for their benefit, for an uncertain amount of time, so that they one day may return whole again to continue what Mette said is important—life being journeyed by two.

Tina Dico captures it perfectly in her song titled “Long Goodbye” on her album *In The Red*. And there is a line that captures the essence of the journey that needs to be taken:

”I will do it on my own if I have to, I will go there all alone just to get to you.”

I really urge anyone and everyone to get a copy of her CD. Amazing work indeed.

We are not perfect. We will never be perfect. Ever. As for being healthy, we are never cured. What makes us healthy is that we acknowledge our issues, fears, the little person inside and continually seek an understanding of who we are through self honesty. And that we are not afraid to engage in that personal journey each and every day. When we are at that stage, we are ready to take on life as two. Scary? Yes. Necessary? Yes, especially when we want to spend life as two—meaning finding our soulmate and nurturing our relationship with them eternally.

We can find our soulmate and not be ready, therefore taking a long goodbye is essential in order to return. Both will be fulfilled, able to appreciate the gifts that each brings into the relationship, therefore better prepared to continually sow and harvest from one another over a lifetime.

On the flip—what do we do, those of us who are already engaged in that journey, when our soulmate takes a long goodbye? Since the time is uncertain, do we wait? Move on?

Long goodbyes are good for both, for each can learn from the experience and walk away still loving one another. That in itself is setting the strong foundation for that day, should it arrive, that each can come together again whole. As for the time that passes, that uncertain amount of time, we need to embrace life, pull within ourselves to nurture and heal and grab life by its ass. And when we least expect it, the long goodbye just may end with your soulmate at the door, after going “all alone just to get to you.” What to do when that happens? Well, that is another conversation…
question: when do you say hello?

pinnacle moment...

Continuing on our conversation of self honesty, sharing truth with others and facing fears, my infamous coffee buddy and I were speaking tonight (and I am sooo *celosa* of the warm weather he is enjoying in Mexico) about when we choose to step up to the plate to make a difference either in someone else’s life, or more importantly in our personal life so that we can be closer to being whole, being our authentic self and consume all that life offers, able to give to the ones we love. For some, it is a continuous journey of introspection, and for others it can be a

…pinnacle moment: where something, a situation or choice, is thrust upon you

and you must decide to face your fears, embrace them and step up to the plate. Or, as some who are afraid to see inside and face the world, run.

I have often wondered what are the motivating factors behind stepping up to the plate, as well as choosing to run. There are some who recognize their fears and shortcomings, and say to themselves *I cannot run any longer, I need to be my authentic self and do what my heart desires, regardless of what others think* when they are given a pinnacle moment. Some recognize their fears and issues, yet choose not to make a difference, whether it be they do not know how to or do not care to do so. And finally some are not able to see the fears and issues at all. There could possibly be other scenarios and situations…

On the flip—what do you do when you strive to step up to the plate, yet the person whom you are with is not? Where are they on that continuum—can they see it at all, or are they in pure denial? If they do see the issues and fears that hinder them, do they acknowledge it? Or do they choose ignorant bliss? And finally, if we are in the place where we are working on our fears and issues and our loved one chooses to run, then what?

Ah…. Take a guess (I have said it before)…

trust.the.process.

We shall only know what we are to harvest if we let time pass.

And many hugs and kisses to my coffee buddy for reminding me of this tonight.

question: what was your pinnacle moment?