gratuity list...

As I was preparing dinner this evening, it occurred to me that today is a special day. Or would have been, depends on how it is viewed. Cooking gives me solace and a chance to process, and I realized that I need to take inventory of my

…gratuity list: things, experiences and people that I am most thankful for

especially over these past few weeks.

My thankfulness is bottomless, I do not even know how to express my gratuity other than live my life to the fullest and continue evolving. And the list, albeit exhaustive, may not be complete, yet this is what I have come to…

mother nature: for openly acknowledging my need to heal by starting to snow Monday morning as I headed to work.

peder: for being a wonderful, amazing being and friend by listening to me, being supportive, making time for our chats and offering an evening of pasta and time with his wife and baby girl. Also for our online and offline chats about life, our hopes, and that there is nothing more important than surrounding ourselves with loving people. You are the best!!!

water pipes bursting: for teaching me early this morning that we should never take anything for granted, including brushing our teeth and a warm shower.

lene: for checking up on me when the *news* hit, regularly, and enlightening me that the brain is wired for negative things, so to combat it we should write down 5 positive things that happened to us everyday. Also for reminding me that I think too much, and to combat it, the best thing to do is sing (my fave every time I drive)—you cannot think while singing!!

my *loss*: for showing me that miracles can happen, and it doing so it opens our eyes to those around us and offers salient lessons in life and about those who we love, demonstrating the character of others and highlights the ones who really care. And reaffirming who I am and the light that I have.

heidi: for the big hugs and words of encouragement, and of course for all of the clinical e mails that are forwarded to me (keeps me busy and mind sharp!). And for reminding me that I have a big heart that is worthy.

diabetes: for teaching me how to love myself, forgive myself and keeping my health on track. For giving me low blood sugars at times to remind me that the better days are so beautiful. You are my homie!

my *boyfriend*: for sweetly reminding me that I keep forgetting to bring candy to the office!

heartache: for gently reminding me that I am still human and am capable of feeling and loving.

mille: for the warm bath, wine and girly time. And for listening to my tears, holding me accountable for my thoughts and keeping the little girl inside on track.

bad drivers: for teaching me patience, the art of excellent and creative cursing, and reminding me that I am an excellent driver indeed!

jesper: for reminding me to breathe… through the nose! And thanks for the cough and sniffles! Also for reminding me that if things were so easy, anyone could do them, and we should appreciate our gifts.

late trains: that there is a reason for not making it on time, and to trust the process. Also for teaching me to be patient and enjoy waiting with others.

victoria: for keeping me out and about, and not to let sadness dim my fire by encouraging me to continue with the salsa lessons! And for the sage advice, the funny interpretation of what has happened that keeps me laughing.

cold weather: for reminding me to be thankful for a warm home, coat and that water does turn into ice, therefore I should be thankful that I have a pretty good sense of balance and fall gracefully!

my ex: for teaching me the power of forgiveness, being supportive and making me laugh my way through all of this.

dirt tracked into the house: for reminding me that we are not perfect, there is always some spiritual cleaning that we must do, and as soon as we have mastered one aspect, there is another opportunity for us to learn and *clean house* again (and, well, that maybe I do need a new outdoor carpet…)

my cat: for being the most consistent man in my adult life!!

Henrik T.: for putting a smiley face over that frowny one I had drawn when I was working on the white board, trying to put logic into diabetes management (tough!)

brat-mobile: for being an excellent concert hall, faithful companion as we speed with the windows down and no heat (the car does have heat, I run rather warm, and yes I do this even in the winter time!), on the way to work, allowing me to escape my thoughts and feel free.

my dad: for loving me and accepting me for who I am, and keeping me on track. Also for the great sayings I have accumulated over the years and the wisdom they have given me through the gift of you.

projects at work: for allowing me a way to express some of my gifts, the ability to engage with others and learn how appreciate said gifts. Even if projects are frustrating at times!!!

jamie: for doing what we do best—calling each other on *our shit* and holding each other accountable the only way a loving friendship knows how. My best friend and awesome girl from back home.

innocuous yellow thai peppers: for reminding me to never judge a book by its cover nor take anything for granted, especially when we rub our eyes! (those things are more hot than the red ones… who knew!!)

my *mom*: for our Sunday afternoon chats, shared by a glass of white wine, even though we are toasting one another from 5000 miles apart, for listening to me and helping me along my path.

this blog: for giving me a place to explore my feelings, for the amazing people who contribute their experiences and insight in the comments section, the conversations that we share so that we all continue to evolve as beautiful people.

That is what I have, for now. My list, as I look back is not complete, and I will work on it everyday by adding the 5 positive things, as well as other things for which I am gracious. And with that, I am gracious for this very day and its significance.

On the flip—what if we are not able to be gracious? what if we are not able to find the beauty in things?

I have had one heck of a few weeks—the inner child is calm, and the adult is hurt, angry and disappointed. Yet I pull back and look around me… I say, should we get stuck in the rut where it seems there is no sunlight, take a step back and breathe. There is beauty in everything that occurs and is present. And trust the process, for having the darker days allows us to better appreciate the ones and experiences that surround us, including our very self—after all, when all we have are lemons, time to make lemonade!

question: for what are you thankful?