everything has...

Personal writing has been at an all time high for me these past six months. I have my e journal, this blog, you name it. When I was in Münich I realized that I have not hand written squat in a journal and it could very well be that self exploration could be augmented by it. So I picked one up, it is beautiful, and started writing fervently while on the plane home. My boss looked over at me, for he was sitting beside me, and asks *feel better?*. Yes, yes yes! His comment had duality to me—acknowledging me and my need to express and explore and how it is a part of who I am, while demonstrating that he is a gentle person who cares how others are doing. Kisses to Jesper!

So I have been writing like a champ in it, and hit another milestone. Writing by hand is more revealing than I ever thought, for it showed me that

…everything has: a reason in the *process* and arrives only when we are ready

to see things and accept them.

Throughout time I have not been too overly occupied with what people may think of me and my actions, for if we are pushed away then it is their loss for not getting to know us. Or maybe we are just not for them. Whatever, no biggie. The point being that had I started hand writing any earlier, I may have missed the following growth opportunity.

I learned, through hand writing freestyle (which we cannot do when using an e journal, it is sooo easy to strike and edit), that subconsciously I may have tendencies to be preoccupied with what my actions and words communicate, hence I was possibly being self protective to a degree. I acknowledge this, for there are times where my initial reaction is *so-and-so is rejecting me*, yet I coach myself out of that terrible thought digression—it can be getting turned down from a job, being told that the work I am doing is not up to snuff, whatever.

Then I did something about it, put myself to the test, so to speak. I wrote my heart out on 24 pages, ripped them out and sent them to the person that has been and is a part of my life, albeit not actively so in the sense that we are actively engaged tis very moment. In the sense that I am learning and growing each day from our experiences.

When we write personally, we have no intentions, no goals, other than to explore. We are not trying to change or understand anyone but ourselves. So what we communicate is raw and interpretation is for us to explore ourselves, without judgement nor expectations. There are no goals in the sense that we are trying to change what people see in us, nor encouraging them to act in any way. It is just there.

So of course as I waited in line at the post, the little Jenny inside was thinking *what is this saying when we send it? What will they think?*. I acknowledged the fear, dealt with it and let it go. We cannot be held responsible for what others feel, or better put, what they choose to feel. And with that I let go the notion of what actions and words communicate, for I had no goals nor a mission with sending it.

He can... open it. Not open it. Read it. Embrace it. Hop on a plane. Throw it away. Save it. Return it. Burn it. Pick up the phone. Be silent. Love it. Not read it. Hate it. Mull over it. File it. Act. Share it. Not act. Cry. Write. Laugh. Get angry. Accept it. Feel joy. Interpret it. Crumple it. Reread it. Keep it...

Any of the above, any combination of feelings and actions.

(hence anticipate everything and expect nothing)

I just wanted to share and that is it. Why? Well, that part is a little personal for it deals with another and it is not open for advertisement. Other than I understand why things are happening in the way I see them, this person is still amazing and I wanted to share my thoughts on it. Nothing else.

*Old Jen* (Jen led by Jenny, the little girl inside, with her driving at the wheel) would not have sent it, afraid of what the other will think. Jenny would have just broiled, moped, looking to be rescued. As for sending it, of course little Jenny would hope for something to occur, yet as I discovered through my process I am sending my personal pages, there are no intentions whatsoever, there are no expectations whatsoever. Big girl in the driver’s seat!

On the flip—rationalizing, anyone? Or are we kidding ourselves?

My thoughts are there is an absence of over-rationalizing and hence a balance. As addie stated, *logic is the opiate of those who are afraid of their feelings*. I may be analyzing things, yet that is just to double check that I am balanced between the two (logic and feelings) and to learn from it. Not to correct, not to explain.

Sending the journal pages is a part of my personal liberty, setting me free from the shackles of the fear of repercussions secondary to worrying about what my words communicate. Yes, of course I think about what I do/say communicates to others, do not get me wrong, I want to be loving, understanding and supportive with my actions and words. Yet over the years I have been OBSESSED at times with what it communicates, to the point of suffocating myself with fear, driven by the need to be accepted at all costs. I know where that comes from—upbringing. That is another thread indeed…

question: what is your obsession?