so needy...

We discussed being an independent woman, and how emotional intimacy is an essential building block for a relationship (for both men and women). I e mailed the link to my last blog entry to my girl Miss R down south, and her comments are so spot on!

She discussed how men do not want a woman who is

…“so needy”: that they cling onto their partner for validation and reassurance.

Then I was thinking—men are not able to differentiate between “needy” and what we women perceive as an “independent woman”… their codeword *independent woman” to them is *needy* perhaps!

When one is *needy*, a certain amount of self esteem is missing. It is like they (whether male or female, there are needy men out there too!) rely upon the other for their source of happiness, validation, acceptance and love.

To me there is a HUGE difference between the two! Emotional intimacy, where we put the masks down and allow ourselves to be emotionally naked, vulnerable and intimate with another, is NOT being needy. In fact, emotional intimacy is about giving, giving ourselves to another in an unadulterated way without expectations. We are our own source of happiness, validation, acceptance and love, and therefore are able to give freely to another. An *independent woman* (defined by women) is one who seeks to engage in emotional intimacy without clinging to the other for validation and happiness.

Of course at times we all need validation and inspiration from our partners, yet not in the sense where we need it to the point of defining ourselves as a woman (or as a person). (does that make sense?)

Being needy is taking and never giving. Needy implies and requires sucking the life out of another in order to survive. It should not be confused with emotional intimacy, and *needy* may very well be what men see as a woman who is not *independent*. It may be that men do not understand emotional intimacy, and when they are confronted with it they mistake it for neediness.

On the flip—how do we get past the confusion between emotional intimacy and neediness? And when do we know when it is safe to reveal ourselves, remove the mask, and begin the path of emotional intimacy in a relationship?

The previous question is a matter of timing, a matter of two individuals and where they are on the continuum in their relationship. And to not let the little person at the wheel when making decisions, especially in the *in love* stage… as my Dad says “you fall in love with the personality but marry the character”. Getting to know the values and character first may allow us to see if the fit deems emotional intimacy. And we must remember that we are not required to engage in emotional intimacy with everyone and anyone.

My thoughts, when we are pushing things, trying to make things happen, as opposed to trusting the process, we are possibly setting ourselves up for creating the neediness. The risk for co-dependency is high when both enter in neediness—resulting in an unhealthy relationship where each tear apart at one another, chipping away to the point where they wake up one day looking at a stranger.

After all, trying to make things happen when they are not naturally developing is an indication in of itself of neediness, and that person may not be the ideal one for us. The process is in place for a reason, trust it!

As for nudging things along, well, that is something different…

question: when do you reveal?