my twist...

Boy am I doing better than last night!

I got up this morning to the deadlines, lack of time and myriad of tasks that for the morning I was pretty taxed in angst. Then I went to the loo, looked into the mirror, and reminded myself that what I am going trough is normal, it is *ok* at times to feel as if you are drowning in perceived inadequacies. By lunch time I was well on my way back, having woofed my meal in 15 minutes and headed back to the beckoning computer screen to march on. Isn’t it amazing the power of accomplishment?

So heading home I realized that it is Halloween, yikes! It is not celebrated here, so to a degree it slipped my mind. Then I began giddy, and realized that it is time to throw

…my twist: an unsuspected behaviour or reaction

into the blog tonight. Ready?

It is JOKE TIME!

In the spirit of Halloween, I will start with one… and you guys can fill the gaps.

On the flip—(could not have exited without one!). Isn’t it interesting that in the times that we deal with stress, unhappiness or even morbid moments, we can lean on laughter to get us through—a reactionary behaviour that is unsuspected for the occasion? That is my twist when I am uncomfortable—I tend to disarm with humor. Reminds me of when I was at my grandmother’s funeral, it was so difficult that I was laughing out loud, joking with a few friends of the family during the services. My Dad was furious, to say the least…

So… (here we go)

How come the witch was not able to get pregnant by the ghost?

… he has a hollow weenie!!!

(get it?)

question: what is your twist?

me aguado...

Ok, I admit it, I have hit my reaching point!

Things have not gone as swimmingly as I had expected—thesis is struggling, in the sense that I am running out of time, work has me drowning and everything outside of that is, for the most part, going to the degree of normalcy.

The silence of normalcy over the past couple of weeks has been a welcomed phenomena—I can concentrate to a degree, things are not as demanding—yet as I sit here tonight the silence is deafening. Where are you…

And then I made up my mind. I am TOTALLY

…me aguado: de esto, y creo que no puedo a respirar más para esto minuto

because I feel like I am drowning. Dig me?

The above translates to *I am fed up with this, and I believe that I cannot breathe much more at this moment*

Been there?

I am wondering why in the world I am even at this point, other than I brought it on myself by not managing my time correctly, or even allowing myself to be there for others and other things when I should have said *no*.

Regardless I am here, and it is a bit frightening. I hate it when this happens!

On the flip—- is this another red flag? Possibly. We all need something at sometime to self regulate. Sometimes we want to give, so much, for it is in our being to do so, yet we are human and can only give so much. Or maybe it is our desire to be needed that drives us to this point.

Either way, I, like you, shall recover. Somehow. Sometime. Somewhere.

question: what is your aguado?

(aguado—the thing that makes you fed up to the point that you are willing to change course)

hang on...

So tonight, as I do one to two times a week depending on the schedule, I was rescuing diaries at www.dailykos.com. I consider it part of my duty in rolling change forward as we fervently, in the grass roots society, are putting our everything into getting progressive Democrats elected in the mid terms.

Most of the diaries are about what is going on now, almost to the point of ranting and raving. I agree with the excitement, and support the energy, yet sometimes we need a well needed break from it all to digest, reformulate, regain our ground and move the energy forward.

I stumbled upon an excellent diary, and then it indicted to me that music is my inspiration of late. Of course I recommended this particular well needed break, for the words of a song from the band Pink Martini were posted, from their latest album

…hang on: little tomato

And of course I rushed to their web site at www.pinkmartini.com to learn more.

Apparently they are based out of Portland, Oregon. And their music is described as a fusion of classical and Afro-Cuban. Muy cool. The latest album has songs in 6, count it, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6 languages-- French, Italian, Japanese, Croatian, Spanish and English. You can even DL snippets to hear the flow.

So of course I snapped up a few of their 2 CD’s and sent them to my Dad since I will be in the US this coming weekend…. Lamont time!

Looking at the album cover for the latest CD, it is rather a feeling of awe that comes over you when you see the title. It emanates a sense of hope, for us all, in the sense that good things come to those who wait—whoever it may be. And the song itself *Hang on Little Tomato* alone can make you shiver. The words--

The sun has left and forgotten me
It's dark, I cannot see
Why does this rain pour down
I'm gonna drown
In a sea
Of deep confusion

Somebody told me, I don't know who
Whenever you are sad and blue
And you're feelin' all alone and left behind
Just take a look inside and you will find

You gotta hold on, hold on through the night
Hang on, things will be all right
Even when it's dark
And not a bit of sparkling
Sing-song sunshine from above
Spreading rays of sunny love

Just hang on, hang on to the vine
Stay on, soon you'll be divine
If you start to cry, look up to the sky
Something's coming up ahead
To turn your tears to dew instead

And so I hold on to his advice
When change is hard and not so nice
You listen to your heart the whole night through
Your sunny someday will come one day soon to you

h/t to RubDMC at dKos for posting this! http://rubdmc.dailykos.com/

Our little tomato can be anyone or anything that we wish to see come to fruition. It can be someone that we need to hold on, just a second longer, or even ourselves in order to see the day through. It is a testament to trusting the process.

On the flip—what if we cannot find our *little tomato* to see us through? What happens if we are so overwhelmed, we cannot see that hope of the *sunny someday* and instead will ourselves upon the process? The power of changes can make life so cloudy with chaos that we tend to over look the tomatoes waiting to ripen.

question—who, or what, is your little tomato?

give in...

I have been spinning a wonderful CD that *my boyfriend* selected as a gift from my department for my birthday in August. I actually unwrapped it for the first time about two weeks ago. Good thing! Had I done so in August, I would not have been able to fully appreciate it, for at that time spiritually I would not have been ready to have appreciated it, hence the possibility of squandering a source of inspiration.

The CD is *In the Red* by Tina Dickow. It is beautiful, amazing, her voice results in a fragile gentleness that comes from passion. So much so that I am going to drive to Berlin in November to see her in concert, the very day that I go to orally defend my thesis. It will be a wonderful way to start celebrating my graduation, or rather emancipation, from two years of hard work.

There is a song that makes me soar inside, and coupled with the brat-mobile with the windows down, barrelling (if one could do so with a 1.3 liter engine) down the motorway at 130 km per hour, I am in my own private concert, singing to

…give in: to your confusion,

leave it behind, then change your mind, take what you find, it will be good enough.

Take the jump is what I perceive is the soul of this song. We tend to be confused, *its always a guess which way is best*, only to be so overwhelmed with what to do that we end up not doing anything—whatever that *anything* may be. It could be going for the love of your life, taking a promotion. That confusion can make us immobile, and the *anything* will not come to fruition.

We have conversed on what can hold us back, why we do not take the jump and make informed decisions along the way. This song does put many things into perspective, and I encourage you to either get the CD (it is wonderful in its entirety) or go to her web site to listen to *Give In*:
www.tinadico.com

On the flip—what if the confusion is a sign that *when in doubt, go without*? What if we are not to act at this point, and the *confusion* is that red flag that tells us to take pause?

Or, should we stop rationalizing our choices, take a decision, and go for it? The confusion could very well be the signal that it is time to grow…

Definitely can be a damned if you do, damned if you don’t situation. Either way, as long as our decision comes from a good place in our hearts and minds, that our intentions are healthy and our goal is to create harmony, goodness and understanding, we usually end up making the ideal choice.

question: what is your confusion?

ask for...

Mondays are rather wicked, are they not? Last week was pretty much a holiday here in Denmark, so mostly everyone at the office was out for the week. And there is nothing more surreal than watching in upwards of 50% of your coworkers trying to navigate their day, dazed and laced with caffeine, getting back to the grind after nearly ten days of play.

I was indeed a bit rejoiceful, for Peder was back—the ultimate source of fabulous conversation coupled with well needed cup o’ joe intermissions—to sprinkle my day.

In the midst of our afternoon chat, Peder brings up a concept in which I adore rattling off the saying. Sometimes when we are caught in a bind, and a decision needs to be made, we can choose to

…ask for: forgiveness instead of permission

and take the jump. No matter what it may be, chasing our heart’s desire, taking an action that ordinarily would not be deemed appropriate at the given time. Sometimes we consciously choose to act, in spite of the consequences, deciding to pay later.

On the flip—is this, in essence, another trade off? Is it the *right* thing to do—knowingly violate the code to accomplish something? Or can it be a way to start the ball rolling towards needed change—where the outcome is beneficial for all, yet the means is somewhat unorthodox in nature?

We have all been confronted with this, and have chosen to forgo the permission route. Would this then be considered violating our values? Unless, of course, taking this route is a part of our value system… then we would not be violating anything. Whatever it may be, I tend to think that we possibly use this to rationalize our choices as we make our trade offs. The important thing, then, would be to bear in mind that should we choose to take this route, we are not harming anyone and are doing it to make create better beings… or is it an *unforgivable* notion to begin with?

question: what is your forgiveness?

your shit...

Now that ought to be an eye catcher!

I was not sure what to write this evening, for I have been very involved with my thesis (which is coming together swimmingly!) and was at my girlfriend's place for a bit going over our writing. She is a very cool gal, and if it was not for her I would not have made some of the strides that I have had over the past year. She has dragged me out, made me participate more in life in general, and she is an overall funny, bright, beautiful person. She has made me start taking care of myself in different ways-- being girlie, taking salsa lessons, even treating ourselves once a month to the champagne breakfast at the Hotel D'Engleterre downtown.

What she is exceptionally good at is something I think we are all afraid to do. She is an ace at the proverbial calling you on

...your shit: making you face the music a bit and assisting you past the illusions at bay and taking a more reflexive, critical look at yourself, actions, words and meanings assigned to them, with the ultimate goal of holding you accountable.

Brave girl!

I will have to give props to my closest friend in St. Petersburg, Florida for coining that quintessential phrase... I can just her her now *Ok, I am gonna have to cal you on your shit...* with her contagious smile ready to disarm you. In fact, it is the same girl who was rather well versed with monkey postulates. She is certainly a gift to this world, I do not think I have yet to meet anyone with as big of a heart as she has.

On the flip-- what if we do not have these brave people in our lives? The overall effect of the absence of these fantastic people is a case in point with the US-- take a look at what has happened as people have become silent in their dissent, quiet with their educated arguments. Critical, reflexive thinking, voices and discourse are absent to the point that everyone is living in fear, and are to a degree buying the well spun illusions that Bush and his felons dish. A sad state indeed.

There is one person, Keith Olbermann, who bravely on 11 September 2006 did exactly what my girlfriend did, yet took it to a higher level-- he called Bush on his shit. He is more than just beautiful and amazing... his is briliant!

So with that, as we are TWO WEEKS in the stretch for the midterm elections, below I am posting the transcript of Keith's poignant 8 minutes and 45 seconds. A long read, yet well worth it.

question: what is your shit?


Keith Olbermann, Special Commentary, 9/11

link to video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mH7zaxAGMWk

transcript:

"...And lastly tonight a Special Comment on why we are here. Half a lifetime ago, I worked in this now-empty space.
And for 40 days after the attacks, I worked here again, trying to make sense of what happened, and was yet to happen, as a reporter.
And all the time, I knew that the very air I breathed contained the remains of thousands of people, including four of my friends, two in the planes and — as I discovered from those "missing posters" seared still into my soul — two more in the Towers.
And I knew too, that this was the pyre for hundreds of New York policemen and firemen, of whom my family can claim half a dozen or more, as our ancestors.
I belabor this to emphasize that, for me… this was, and is, and always shall be, personal.
And anyone who claims that I and others like me are "soft", or have "forgotten" the lessons of what happened here — is at best a grasping, opportunistic, dilettante — and at worst, an idiot — whether he is a commentator, or a Vice President, or a President.
However. Of all the things those of us who were here five years ago could have forecast — of all the nightmares that unfolded before our eyes, and the others that unfolded only in our minds… none of us could have predicted… this.
Five years later this space… is still empty.
Five years later there is no Memorial to the dead.
Five years later there is no building rising to show with proud defiance that we would not have our America wrung from us, by cowards and criminals.
Five years later this country’s wound is still open.
Five years… later this country’s mass grave is still unmarked.
Five years later… this is still… just a background for a photo-op.
It is beyond shameful.
—
At the dedication of the Gettysburg Memorial — barely four months after the last soldier staggered from another Pennsylvania field, Mr. Lincoln said "we can not dedicate - we can not consecrate — we can not hallow — this ground. The brave men, living and dead, who struggled here, have consecrated it, far above our poor power to add or detract."
Lincoln used those words to immortalize their sacrifice.
Today our leaders could use those same words to rationalize their reprehensible inaction. "We cannot dedicate — we cannot consecrate — we can not hallow — this ground." So we won’t.
Instead they bicker and buck-pass. They thwart private efforts, and jostle to claim credit for initiatives that go nowhere. They spend the money on irrelevant wars, and elaborate self-congratulations, and buying off columnists to write how good a job they’re doing — instead of doing any job at all.
Five years later, Mr. Bush… we are still fighting the terrorists on these streets. And look carefully, sir — on these 16 empty acres, the terrorists… are clearly, still winning.
And, in a crime against every victim here and every patriotic sentiment you mouthed but did not enact, you have done nothing about it.
—
And there is something worse still than this vast gaping hole in this city, and in the fabric of our nation.
There is, its symbolism — of the promise unfulfilled, the urgent oath, reduced to lazy execution.
The only positive on 9/11 and the days and weeks that so slowly and painfully followed it… was the unanimous humanity, here, and throughout the country. The government, the President in particular, was given every possible measure of support.
Those who did not belong to his party — tabled that.
Those who doubted the mechanics of his election — ignored that.
Those who wondered of his qualifications — forgot that.
History teaches us that nearly unanimous support of a government cannot be taken away from that government, by its critics.
It can only be squandered by those who use it not to heal a nation’s wounds, but to take political advantage.
Terrorists did not come and steal our newly-regained sense of being American first, and political, fiftieth. Nor did the Democrats. Nor did the media. Nor did the people.
The President — and those around him — did that.
They promised bi-partisanship, and then showed that to them, "bi-partisanship" meant that their party would rule and the rest would have to follow, or be branded, with ever-escalating hysteria, as morally or intellectually confused; as appeasers; as those who, in the Vice President’s words yesterday, "validate the strategy of the terrorists."
They promised protection, and then showed that to them "protection" meant going to war against a despot whose hand they had once shaken… a despot who we now learn from our own Senate Intelligence Committee, hated Al-Qaeda as much as we did.
The polite phrase for how so many of us were duped into supporting a war, on the false premise that it had ’something to do’ with 9/11, is "lying by implication."
The impolite phrase, is "impeachable offense."
Not once in now five years has this President ever offered to assume responsibility for the failures that led to this empty space… and to this, the current, curdled, version of our beloved country.
Still, there is a last snapping flame from a final candle of respect and fairness: even his most virulent critics have never suggested he alone bears the full brunt of the blame for 9/11.
Half the time, in fact, this President has been so gently treated, that he has seemed not even to be the man most responsible — for anything — in his own administration.
Yet what is happening this very night?
A mini-series, created, influenced — possibly financed by — the most radical and cold of domestic political Machiavellis, continues to be televised into our homes.
The documented truths of the last fifteen years are replaced by bald-faced lies; the talking points of the current regime parroted; the whole sorry story blurred, by spin, to make the party out of office seem vacillating and impotent, and the party in office, seem like the only option.
How dare you, Mr. President, after taking cynical advantage of the unanimity and love, and transmuting it into fraudulent war and needless death… after monstrously transforming it into fear and suspicion and turning that fear into the campaign slogan of three elections… how dare you or those around you… ever "spin" 9/11.
—
Just as the terrorists have succeeded — are still succeeding — as long as there is no memorial and no construction here at Ground Zero…
So too have they succeeded, and are still succeeding — as long as this government uses 9/11 as a wedge to pit Americans against Americans.
This is an odd point to cite a television program, especially one from March of 1960. But as Disney’s continuing sell-out of the truth (and this country) suggests, even television programs can be powerful things.
And long ago, a series called "The Twilight Zone" broadcast a riveting episode entitled "The Monsters Are Due On Maple Street."
In brief: a meteor sparks rumors of an invasion by extra-terrestrials disguised as humans. The electricity goes out. A neighbor pleads for calm.
Suddenly his car — and only his car — starts. Someone suggests he must be the alien. Then another man’s lights go on.
As charges and suspicion and panic overtake the street, guns are inevitably produced.
An "alien" is shot — but he turns out to be just another neighbor, returning from going for help.
The camera pulls back to a near-by hill, where two extra-terrestrials are seen, manipulating a small device that can jam electricity. The veteran tells his novice that there’s no need to actually attack, that you just turn off a few of the human machines and then, "they pick the most dangerous enemy they can find, and it’s themselves."
And then, in perhaps his finest piece of writing, Rod Serling sums it up with words of remarkable prescience, given where we find ourselves tonight.
"The tools of conquest do not necessarily come with bombs and explosions and fallout. There are weapons that are simply thoughts, attitudes, prejudices - to be found only in the minds of men.
"For the record, prejudices can kill and suspicion can destroy, and a thoughtless, frightened search for a scapegoat has a fallout all its own — for the children, and the children yet unborn."
—
When those who dissent are told time and time again — as we will be, if not tonight by the President, then tomorrow by his portable public chorus — that he is preserving our freedom, but that if we use any of it, we are somehow un-American…
When we are scolded, that if we merely question, we have "forgotten the lessons of 9/11"… look into this empty space behind me and the bi-partisanship upon which this administration also did not build, and tell me:
Who has left this hole in the ground?
We have not forgotten, Mr. President.
You have.
May this country forgive you."

things happen...

I remember when purchasing that business in Florida, the one I spoke about last month where my wonderful CPA challenged me with the notion that if you want something so much that you are willing to walk away, you are in the right place to make a decision. The purchase process was becoming rather cumbersome, there were quite a few parties involved and the interests varied, so needless to say some of us were having our patience tested. The transaction was bearing too much!

So I was on the phone with one of the sellers, and she too was tired of the process and wanted to see resolution. She, with greatest conviction, knew that it would pull through, for she said that I was the very type of person that makes

…things happen: having the innate ability to bring everyone together on the same page to see whatever it is that we are involved with come through.

I am gracious for her observation, for yes, it is true that I am an extremely dedicated individual and will place all of my strength into what I choose and will see it through. It is the very reason why I am a successful grassroots person—I can motivate just about everyone under the sun at the ground level, with impact at levels above, to make a difference. I have to smile, for that is one of the facets of becoming a courageous leader and a beautiful person-- coupled with a sense of fairness, balance, justice, compassion and the resolve to nurture others into becoming amazing beings. And of course those essences of being a leader need to be developed each day with presenting yourself with new opportunities and challenges. Ok, I digressed…

The transaction did pull through. Unfortunately a year later, I uncovered a few things that were not noticeable with the thorough analysis when at the table, so it ended up that I had to spin it off. No big deal, everything worked out in the end, albeit the process of closing things down at times was more than I could bear. I guess I made that part, the closure, happen too.

And then I started thinking about this concept today—the times that I have made things happen—and I came to my own flip.

On the flip—what if the true key to making things happen is that it should due to our inspirational energy that we bestow upon others, and NOT because of our *willing* things to happen?

I have done that too, made things happen, for the sake of moving things forward, by not holding back when I should have. And when I reflect on those times when I did, in the end it never really truly worked out in the long run. We may get fooled by our emotional high and the need for resolution that we push the process forward without just trusting it to happen, only in the end be left a few steps behind from where we started.

Needless to say, along with the development that I am undergoing these past few months, I am striving to not repeat it. I hold back a bit, not in an unhealthy way, yet in the way where I am balancing my passionate drive with thoughts. I can feel that I am on the right path, for the ventures that I am in right now are evolving they way they should, naturally, and the pay off will be sweeter than ever.

question: what are your things?

monkey postulate...

Have you ever met someone who has the wickedest mind? Not wicked in a bad way, yet a creative one that seems to surpass most that we know. I like these kinds of people! And at times I too can get in the mood where that *wickedness* results in a

…monkey postulate: a question or an assumption, born out of humor and/or creativity combined with eccentricity, is posed to everyone and anyone who will listen, resulting in laughter and creative conversation as the responses roll in.

I have an amazing friend back home in St. Petersburg, Florida that is the princess of the monkey postulate. She comes up with some of the funniest, thought provoking questions that would make you laugh to the point it hurts. Sometimes they are just plain absurd, for the timing relative to the situation at hand is, well, let’s just say you would not expect it. Then you start thinking, putting things into a different perspective, and say to yourself *well, I have never thought of ______ that way before*, and proceed to answer. For example, you could be sitting down doing strategic planning, everything is too serious, and she would quip: “ok, which do you prefer… picking your nose on a subway, or farting in solitude and why…”

What in the world does that have to do with market share and pull through initiatives???

I have thrown one to an amazing person recently, and I did like the answer as well (my little secret)…

If you were a color in motion, what color would it be and what would you be doing?

Ok, I agree. Interesting, yes. Creative, I will give it that much. Stitch producing laughter, um, no.

A great one that stands out is from back home. It was born out of a Sunday brunch, which was held at my house on many occasions. A huge group of us would get together around 11am or so, start with the mimosas (my *Mom* always said the OJ was such a waste, we had good intentions of mixing it with half champagne, yet towards 2pm the OJ was never to be seen again as we sipped our “poser” mimosas). We had a waffle bar—all the toppings you could imagine, with fresh Belgian waffles laced with amaretto, cooking on the granite island. Then we had another friend making omelettes, with many freshly chopped veggies and the like to put in. And of course, what brunch would be complete without the Bloody Mary bar? At least 15 different things to choose to make the ideal, only acceptable hard liquor drink to be consumed before 5pm on a Sunday—broth, onions, capers, 4 different vodkas, hot sauce, olives, celery, spices, you name it—in the back corner of the kitchen by the double French doors.

As the mimosas quickly turned into glasses of champagne, the Bloody Mary bar starting to go into disarray and the *family* of about 10 are laughing at the table with NFL Football in the background, silence fell at the opportune time. Then a monkey postulate was thrown out of nowhere, when a guy asks my *mom*…

“If I were a vegetable, how would you eat me?”

Her response?

“I would peel you first.”

You can fill in the blanks from there…

I am still working on mine, I think I need a little help from all of you… so with that in mind, what can we come up with? Let’s share some laughter!

On the the flip—none. Today is a punchy kind of day. I have been up since 5am writing, er slaving away, on my thesis and I need a brain break. If there is a flip of any kind, it would be that sometimes we produce these thoughts when it is perceived as not the right time, yet some of us handle stress/bad situations/grief in our own way, hence snapping the emotions into play can be preceeded by humor.

question: what is your monkey?

we value...

I have to admit, I got this notion while watching *7th Heaven* the other night. I have really enjoyed that show, and do miss the new episodes, for living in Europe means that we see older shows. I am gracious that we are even able to do so!

The episode was about world hunger, specifically how there are people in the US (uh, conceived as a wealthy country, yet the separation between the have’s and have not’s keeps widening the longer the Republicans are in power—VOTE NED!) who go without food regularly. It could be your next door neighbour, even.

The moral of that particular episode was that we tend to assign values to the wrong thing. In this case it was shame, and how it is wrongly assigned to those who ask for help, as opposed to assigning it to those of us who even allow it to happen in the first place.

The notion of changing what

…we value: in the regards that the meaning of value—what is truly important at the end of the day-- needs to be assigned to the correct, needful action

hit me so deeply.

Eric Camden is right. Why is there more shame assigned to asking for help? Since when is it a wrong thing to do so? Are we not better off when we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, admitting that we are human, in asking for the help of others?

On the flip—it could very well be that we do KNOW what the correct value is, yet are afraid to act upon it in our daily lives. As we look at what others do, at times we may feel that we need to fall in line, per se. Or we are simply oblivious, whether by nature or by choice.

Either way, it is our responsibility to do what is right at all times—for as per an earlier conversation—it is never the wrong time to do the right thing. That requires us to be more than just beautiful people. It requires us to be exceptional people. To stand up against what the others may think is acceptable, to fight against the injustice we see no matter what others may choose to do or not to do. It is our utmost responsibility.

question: what is your shame?

without risk...

Taking the jump, whether it is going towards the love of your life, choosing to take the path of beautiful people, or even as simple as changing your career can be a very scary thing. Looking at the risk, taking into account the benefits and potential consequences can prove very tasking indeed. We carefully analyze sometimes, or even follow our hearts, looking for the benefits to outweigh the risk. Yet in the end, it should be kept in mind that with all things we choose to do, that

…without risk: there will be no rewards.

Should we not choose to go for it, dare to swim, the rewards on the other side will never be known. The joy, love, inspiration that could lie in wait will remain a mystery. And should we choose to make this *wish* with our eyes closed and keep it to ourselves, we will be the keeper of our secret desire. And should we jump and bask in the rewards, even more the better.

On the flip—what is we miscalculate what the rewards are? In taking the jump, risking everything to see the benefits of the reward, it is possible that there are none. Complete rejection, loss of realization could be on the other side. *Trust the process* for it could very well be that we are not to see the rewards for quite sometime. There may very well be a development opportunity that is overlooked with our eagerness, and not getting our reward immediately serves that very purpose.

The inability to reap the reward on the first time around can also serve as a check and balance. Should we choose to pursue with risk, we at times may do so without pure selflessness, hence the delayed reward. And then again, anything deserving is worth every ounce of work put into it, including our growth as individuals. To become an amazing being it takes drive, commitment, the willingness to delay the reward when necessary, only to evolve into a beautiful person who makes this world a better place.

question: what is your reward?

beautiful people...

Taking a path less travelled is exactly what these types of people do. It is hard, takes a bit of self discovery, and even more important a large degree of strength to maintain the positive outlook—some of the many qualities of

…beautiful people: those who choose to look through a positive lens each day, make the best of everything and are willing to embrace even those who are not on the same path of enlightened development, graciously with patience.

We have all met those beautiful people, some of us are in our own right, while some have the aspiration to do so. It takes a lot of self introspection, the willingness to face our deep fears, coupled with the energy to transcend all situations. Not many are able to do it. Some are on the path and get side tracked. Some simply never walk.

On the flip—what about those who are in our lives, who remember the *struggling* soul, only to see that we are free and thus have changed? Our goal is to inspire all to be better, amazing beings, yet what if those who are close to us are not ready to take that adventure with us, not able to nurture us and hence the relationship may suffer? How do we manage the change in dynamics? Or is the *walk away* conversation we had earlier an applicable option?

I know that I am a beautiful person, albeit I did get lost for a little while after moving abroad. Yet I found her again, and am striving everyday to cultivate her. I think what is helpful is to not only to choose this path, yet also to create a supportive network to reinforce the new infrastructure. Whether it be creating a personal development plan, surrounding ourselves with others like us or another means to our new end—the imperative is that we have the checks and balances to keep us on our thrilling path—to make a positive difference in the lives we touch upon each and every day.

There is another beautiful person who has joined the ranks, and I am overwhelmed with compassion and excitement. It can be a painful process, so eye and soul opening… my utmost respect to the latest member who has embarked upon the journey. You have chosen well, you have always had the foundation in place to engage in this development, and are simply, amazingly courageous.

question: what makes you beautiful?

quiet wishes...

There is not anything here that is specific in nature, other than my thoughts, feelings and aspirations.

Today is a bit of an exception. Albeit I do not write with a specific intention—whether it be to solve a specific problem, reach out to a specific person—today is just a wee bit of an exception. And do not ask, please, other than to trust my

…quiet wishes: of the resolute need to reach out to the perceived intangible

even though it is in reach. We know that there is something there, can feel it, know that it is of a permanency in nature and concrete in form. It has yet to arrive.

It is somewhat like the candles that we blow out on our big day. As we sit, facing the warm light, slightly closing our eyes, we focus on that secret wish that we are not to share with anyone. Then we blow. Possibly, our wish will come true.

And should we carry that wish, we are ultimately the only one who knows if it truly does come to fruition.

On the flip—where is the accountability when it comes to fulfilling our wish? Should we not share it, we absolve ourselves by thinking that it will not be jinxed. No one will ever know, so no harm done, right?

Yet should we choose to share our wish, we are allowing ourselves to become vulnerable. Maybe it was a silly notion and we are too embarrassed to let others know. Or maybe it is a wish that is so dense with hope, should we fail to achieve it only we know that it is our own heart that is heavy with disappointment. Either way, it is up to us to decide as to whether we would like to invite others in on our little secret.

I have one wish.

I have only shared it with the very desire of which I would like to achieve. As the warm light of the candles approach this very day, as the eyes are closed and the breath of hope takes out the candles light, only time will tell if the vulnerability has paid off. I have declined absolution, while at the same time possibly, quite possibly have avoided the jinx. Over the next few weeks time will tell… maybe balancing absolution with a twinge of jinx shall bring the wish to fruition.

question: when do you close your eyes?

distant pull...

It seems that things are starting to cycle again. Whereas the hectic pace of life keeps us so occupied, that entropy, things start to stand still. This time, however it is an expected stand still—built into the plan. Know what I mean? You look at your calendar for upcoming events, both at work and at home, and then you breathe a sigh of relief. They are all empty. That silence of normalcy that Peder spoke of earlier—where the true silence, the unbusy, is a welcome reprieve from the chaos.

Yet as I was faced with writing on my thesis (no, not finished, far from, and we will all know when it is over, trust me!), I knew that the next couple weeks are rather empty—not too many meetings, no outrageous commitments at night—yet there was still this

… distant pull: where something is calling us a certain way, yet what it is and what should be done is not always well articulated

and it is waiting. It is rather an interesting feeling.

When those moments of chaos are all of a sudden silent, and you are alone in your thoughts and feelings, sometimes we feel that something, or someone, is pulling us their way. Maybe it is that intuitive notion that it is time to grow, maybe we instinctively feel what is coming on the other side of the silence. I am in it now, and although I can put my finger on it, I am not sure what to do.

On the flip—what if it is our inner being telling us just to relax? What if that distant pull we feel, whether we can put our finger on it or not, is actually our spirit throwing up the red flag to just chill?

I know what my distant pull is. And there is not much I can do about it right now other than wait for time to pass. Yet I am not sure come what may once I get there, yet I know the process in is play, therefore I shall trust her with her insight.

It is as if a warm, quiet shore is calling me. Inviting me to dance. Asking me to stay, take the adventure. When that pull finally takes me in its grasp, I shall not deny it and take the plunge. For, as a swimmer, I know that with the informed decisions that will arise throughout the strong undercurrents of the pull, I shall be more than fine.

And if we were not able to put our finger on it, we may choose to follow the distant pull anyway. There is a reason why it is there, teasing us to dare, asking us to take the jump. There is something to be learned from that intuitive pull. We are ready for its challenge, whether consciously or not. Should we not be, more than likely it would never have presented itself.

question: what is your undercurrent?

negotiated order...

That good ol’ date of 11 October has brought me to a place where I am thinking about decisions I have made in the past. I do not, I mean this, do not regret anything that I have ever chosen to do, act upon or having loved. Yet I am taking stock now, trying to understand what drives the decision making process—heart, mind, needs… maybe nothing but curiosity. And depending on the situation, it warrants a combination of the aforementioned, maybe elements of other things, albeit in a balance appropriate for the situation. Regardless, no matter what guided my decisions in the past, I have been a full advocate and participant in the notion that we engage in

…negotiated order: where we make trade offs at specific points in our life, dependent on the situation.

I guess we can look into stakeholder engagement theory (again!) to understand trade off theory, negotiated order in its finest. It is postulated (and I am sure that we have done this ourselves) that we can go through a negotiated order process—where we assign value to certain things, based on the meaning that we assign to it at that given time—and determine its saliency in the grander scheme of things.

Take for example, buying a car (yes, here comes the BMW, nah, how about a Volvo?). You have your principles in place and usually do not gravitate towards SUVs at all. Gas guzzlers, seemingly obnoxious and rather overrated. I have definitely feel that way—I never really knew why on earth one would need a AWD mammoth tanker in south Florida, where it is flat, let alone no snow. So here you are, faced with, let’s say a move to a mountainous region, and up until now you have not needed a car. Then, you see the Volvo XC90 (sweet ride), AWD monster and say *hey, she’s rather sexy… maybe…* Huh?

Time to whip out the trade offs—need AWD in snowy mountainous regions, safer to be higher up to see around the hairpin turns, can carry skis and the like—things you would never consider while living in a flat, tropical environment. So with those needs in place, the earlier *standards* are traded off for the current need. Ta da! You have negotiated the order to fit the bill.

On the flip—what if we are just simply rationalizing our behaviour? Finding a way to bend our principles a bit to fit a new situation? Do you really need the XC90 in the Alps? Why not just a simple sedan with a reasonable amount of HP and front wheel, or 4WD?

Now take it down a level, especially with matters of the heart. Isn’t it funny that at one point in our lives we think *no way, not EVER again* after an experience, only to be faced with another decision that makes us reflect and question the earlier response? You look at that person, that opportunity and think that, well, if I can enjoy _____ then I can give _____. You negotiate the order of what you are willing to do, what you are willing to sacrifice, against what benefit will come to fruition.

Yet is it smart to do so, especially with matters of the heart? As we conversed earlier about *never let the emotions lead the way*, should we find ourselves in a place where the emotions are in the lead, we may trade off more than we would ordinarily have done. And is that a bad thing? I mean, do we not at times think just a little too much? Or is logic our best defense, the sure way to protect ourselves from the potential risks that outweigh the benefits?

question: where do you trade off?

little earthquakes...

I am facing *the day after* now, the one where we take a look back, understand why things happened the way they did, only to finally realize that everything has fallen into place for a reason. Now that I am at that point, I can finally feel

…the little earthquakes: my small awakenings in my spirit that tremble from within,

that change the surface of the soul a bit, adding new crests and valleys in which we are to navigate.

Isn’t it amazing when we get to this point? After all of the happiness and tears, particularly the tears where we thought we would never pull through, all of a sudden become clear? And we shed those tears again, yet this time it is for joy and love, those of acceptance, acknowledgement and complete understanding. It moves us, rattles us, eventually to the point where it becomes us—alive, breathing, feeling, every emotion and thought we had believed we would never meet. Ever. And those new emotions and realizations, albeit freeing, do come at a little price. It can hurt to process them, feel them and release them… however it must be done. Have to make room for growth!

This is paramount to the pilot, above it in an incomprehensible way. Whereas the pilot is above us, ready to take us to another journey, it is the little earthquakes that slightly change the landscape—so that we are a different person for the next challenge. With the little earthquakes we have truly developed, ready for the next stage.

On the flip: and thanks to Peder for posing this! Why not be our own pilot? Our own source of inspiration? Taking the little earthquakes, the new landscape, along with our touch points through our days, and incorporate it into our development into becoming better pilots? Brilliant, and so spot on! Peder nailed it on the head—we need these development opportunities to balance and center us, allowing us to identify our values

I am not able to articulate this, yet we all know what our little earthquake is, right? It is beyond inspiration… it is a revelation, one with a new awakening. The landscape has changed and therefore time for new beginnings.

question: what, or who, rocks your world?

perfect strangers...

I was going to originally post this as *beautiful strangers*, yet then I realized it would be cliché and remind us of Austin Powers…

So with that, let’s get down to business.

Last night, while scoping my usual political blogs, I decided to step away from them for a bit. After a while, I hopped back onto DKos (www.dailykos.com) to a huge outbreak, a flurry of comments, e mails and posts in response to this:

from: http://www.dailykos.com/story/2006/10/10/20568/014
I'm exhausted, and I've exhausted all avenues of finding a job, a place to live, a live person to talk to, a way to stop suffering.
The answers have been unanimous - silence.
It is a myth that a person doesn't live in isolation. I disproved that.
I appreciate those who read my feeble attempts at writing diaries.
Thanks, too, to folks who commented here and there and who provided critiques and advice for writing.
The one thing that wasn't robbed from me was my own dignity, and that I'm taking with me.
Best to you all-
(Buffy Orpington—Dkos ID)


One of our fellow Kossacks decided that she could not hang onto her thread any longer, and posted this as her way of either a cry for help, or possibly...

Within a handful of hours, the DKos community sprung into action:

Boston Kossacks PLEASE HELP Buffy

Between many members, both in the US and worldwide, they were able to track down Buffy Orpington’s (DKos name) apartment, picture, call Boston PD, checked the hospitals, tracked her IP and found where she was when she posted it. They called upon the Boston Kossacks, who in turn went to her apartment, found her super, he confirmed her ID. They contacted her family, no leads. They are going to call her employer first thing Tuesday. They even found that in one of her diaries she spoke about having her dogs euthanized.

As of 11:00pm EST 10 October, she has not been found. At one point there was cause for joy, for it was thought that she had been located, however Brubs (Bostonian Kossack) reported that after he got the location tip from AngryMonkey (Kossack not from Boston), he searched for her personally, and was not able to find her. The evening ended with GreyHawk and Aerdrie leaving a note on Buffy’s door.

I broke down and cried. Not only for the soul of someone in anguish, yet also for the

…perfect strangers: people demonstrating the beauty of humanity in a dire hour selflessly, unbeknownst to one another

that pulled together so quickly, effectively from their amazing beings to help one in need.

We hope to find Buffy. It is being discussed currently to set up a fund for her, so that we can help her get back on her feet with whatever she needs, whether it be of material nature or emotional support. In fact, Kossacks are taking pledges now, and earmarking them for Buffy’s return. Many posted their comment, offering her a place to stay, to help her in any way they can.

I will definitely update this as we get more information.

And a big, loving hug to AngryMonkey, for all of her energy that she selflessly threw into finding Buffy, and identifying her diary as a signal to act. And for all Kossacks that jumped in to swim, you are sincerely the best and amazing.

Bottom line—when we go through our days, wondering where in the world are the swimmers as we see glimmers of inhumanity in our path, it is moments like these that remind us that there are beautiful, amazing beings, somewhere in this world. And with their determination and symbiotic nature, they draw upon each other to make a difference.

There really is not a flip for this, other than it is a curious thing to know-- why is it that not everyone in this world is driven by that same, brilliant spot from within to contribute to a healthy, loving difference in this world? Another subject for another time…

question: how could one not?

embracing adversity...

Today marks a day that at one point signified a celebration, yet now is reflective of a commitment unfulfilled, where one person is ready to take things to the next level, only to find the other nowhere in sight. And I actually am thankful for this day, even though I will not wake up with that same person 40, 50 years from now, for I have learned that

...embracing adversity: accepting things that seem to be negative, unfortunate or a perceived barrier

is an opportunity in the making. All depends on how we look at it.

It is tough, especially in those trying times, those yet-to-be-discovered-damn-it-where-is-the-light-at-the-end-of-the-tunnel moments where it seems almost impossible to make it through. Ah, once again… *trust the process*.

As I stood, feeling defeated, giving it my all and everything in me to make it work, I realized that it is not possible when others wish to not comply. And at the time I was frustrated, lost, panicked to the point that I could not breathe—not that healthy, inspiring lack of breath we get when our socks are blown off—no, actually the one where there is nothing left to give. When we think we can make things happen, we learn the hard way that although we create our own luck, we find that there is something else, possibly someone else awaiting us to take the challenge of growing as an individual so that we can contribute at a later time.

On the flip—what if the lack of breath is a good thing? Were we not to be totally expended, we would never realize that the very thing that drained us is indeed that—a drain. And then we would not have the opportunity to evaluate ourselves, reflect, and take a good look at who we are and see the areas that need to be developed. Now, as for the drain comment, it is not meant as a barb—there are many in this world that are trapped inside themselves, unable to reciprocate for they just simply do not know how—and let us not forget that at times we are complicit. And then comes *the walk* conversation we had—is it a bad thing to walk, where we walk from the one who cannot reciprocate, the one who acknowledges that very fact that they do not know how, yet consciously chooses not to work on it?

There is a pot of gold at the end of this rainbow, and of course as the process runs her course, now I understand. Had I not shown up on 11 October 1997, I would not be here today. I would not have made the choices I made, paid prices every now and then, nor have reaped the rewards of where I am now, this very minute, had I not shown up at The Abbey in Atlanta. I would not be the woman I am today, for those experiences, a combination of joy and at times pain, would have not given me the *red flags* needed to grow. In fact, I am thankful. Deliriously so. For now I know myself better, what needs and desires I have and my value system is in place.

And I would not be in Denmark now, either, awaiting my next adventure of a lifetime, possibly for a lifetime…

question: what is your adversity?

she screams...

Have you ever felt so free, unleashed to take on the world, that you somehow, somewhere spend your energy and cannot seem to account for it? I have had that experience over the past few days, and it is due to an amazing pilot effect I have not encountered before. One that touches the soul, freeing the girl inside, the one that has curiously peeked out over the past few months who at first was afraid, then mildly timid. It is as if

…she screams: from within to show her authentic self

in the world’s demanding presence for yet another show.

As I wrote my first entry when I decided to start sharing my personal diary of thoughts, I was in the beginning stages of a growth process that is refreshing. And as I developed our conversation over the past month, the concept of a normalcy of silence arose. Where everything is settled, and the entropy ceases for a bit, only to be encountered by that silence. The unexplainable, sometimes unsettling… silence.

Yet these past few weeks have been peaceful, and I have met a new silence, where the girl inside is out, free, and brave with a renewed spirit. When I first got here in DK, everything was so new and exciting. Yet as you find more time passes in a new culture, you can become afraid, lose yourself, and out of nowhere you do not even recognize yourself. At the same time you know that you cannot go back home, for you have changed. Maybe not into the person that you would like to be, and possibly a stones throw from who you should be, yet nevertheless you are just not the same. And then, when you least expect it, you turn that corner, finding remnants of the person you left behind, only to have a strong resolve to build upon and develop the authentic self that sat on the shelf for a while.

I have found her, am cultivating her, and where before the silence of normalcy would be deafening, this time I find peace. I do not even know how to explain it. Maybe I am not supposed to know why, just trust the process and see where it takes me.

Essentially I have experienced the *flip side* of the silent normalcy, the one that Peder referred to in a comment earlier. And I look forward to the next round of entropy, to see how the growth during this silent normalcy will play… I have a feeling that I am more balanced and will take things in stride.

question: when do you scream?

in doubt...

As I sit here babysitting a mild, very mild cranial reminder of hanging out with friends last night, I reflect on the wonderful time that we had together. Nothing like starting a weekend with about 20 people, of which you know only one, to find that there are such amazingly brilliant and kind creatures in this world. The human spirit is rather cool, is it not?

I know I have *ducked out* the past few days… let’s just say that the previous weekend had a few more revelations, growth wise, and sometimes it is best that we are silent in our thoughts as we move forward. It is rather wonderous that people notice it when you are in this state… co-workers and friends respond more gently, reflecting that they can feel where you are, only the subtle ways of their voice, gestures without changing their words. And at the same time you want to cling to something, someone, an idea, inspiration, just simply take action to get you through or to your goal, and you have to realize that at time it is best that when you are

in doubt: you should go without

for your motivations may be out of self preservation, the immediate need to heal, the urgency to give or the sheer joy of feeling life to its fullest.

I guess it is like *trusting the process*, in the sense that yes, we can make things happen if we put our minds and hearts to it, yet is the result genuine? Or is moving things forward with volition part of the process?

Yet when something feels so right, you have to take the dive, regardless of the consequences. You are ready to pay all tolls and fines. This reminds me of another nugget my amazing Dad has said over the years—never let the emotions lead the way. Whether a feeling of love, anger, joy or disdain, it is best that we take a step back. What if the *doubt* mechanism of logic is not there to maintain balance? What if the red flags at the cliffside are nowhere to be found?

We have all had this challenge, I am sure, for if we were indifferent that means we are not in the game. Maybe the key is to take a step back from an observational perspective, and see that there is a balance not in the minutia but over time.

question: when do you go?

the priniciples...

Election day is less than five weeks away, and as I sit here this morning I am thinking about my vote, and

..the principles: that I hold dear and consider non negotiable

when casting my vote. So with that in mind, I starting getting into a quandry of sorts, for Senator Bill Nelson (FL) has voted for things that violate my principles, particularly voting a *yea* to the recent Torture Legislation that pretty much gives Bush a *free get out of jail card* while putting innocent lives at risk.

So with that, I had to shout out to the DKos community this morning:

http://www.dailykos.com/storyonly/2006/10/4/11732/0177

Good morning Kossacks from Northern Europe!

I am sitting here with my overseas registration, prepared to fax it some that I am registered in my last residence--Floriduh (ugh)--so that I can vote in November.

However, I am in a quandary of principles, and am not sure what to do. Having a discussion with you all would be of benefit, not only for me, but those of us who are dedicated, progressive Dems in the same boat.

Grab your parachute, time to jump...

I have principles and values that guide my decisions, as we all do, and they are solid. And we are all in the same boat with how we feel about the current Administration and those Dems who are not doing the job that we have elected (and paid, by the way, with our taxes) to make decisions that are humane, keep our Constitution intact and correct the poorly steered US policy. I myself am so dedicated to this, that I am flying to CT on 04 November to volunteer for Ned Lamont (big thanks to CT Bob for the help and pointers). Interestingly, I am not from CT (Jersey native here), and one would think I would even go back to my last state of residence to move things forward...

Ned Lamont, John Laesch, Jon Tester, Danny Stover (to name a few) represent what we all know--progressive, Dem values that reflect a majority of Americans' concerns and needs. And as I look at Bill Nelson (FL-D, Sen), I do not see them.

1) Predatorgate: whilst I admit that I am not a MSM person and get my fix from Dkos, FDL, C&L, I have yet to see Nelson publicly address his back yard Congressman Foley. Not so much in reprimanding him, yet holding all Repubs accountable for putting children at risk for the sake of saving their careers.
2) Castrating the Constitution and Blowing Off the Geneva Conventions: Bill Nelson voted yes and passed this hideous piece of legislation. We know the significance of it, potential consequences, who will benefit from it while others suffer. No need to expand on this.

I try and think of the legislation that Nelson has voted for that aligns with my principles. His position on living wills and the right to choose are in alignment as well.

Yet when looking at Predatorgate and the Torture Legisalation, I am at a crossroads internally. To vote for him now, to a degree, signifies an approval that I am not willing to concede.

How do you all balance this? How do you feel, what are your thoughts?

What would you do?

I look forward to this conversation, for I am sure that many of us are in the same boat. Yes, I have been a straight ticket Dem, voting in every election since I registered on my 18th birthday. I realize that we need to keep as many Dems in office, yet how do we balance our principles that we hold so dear, cast our vote, and be able to sleep at night, knowing that we are defying what we hold true and dear?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------

question: what do you choose?

the personality...

Again, tonight, I was on the phone with my Dad. He is such an amazing person , and I am not saying this out of bias (ok… who would not be). Yet as an individual, as a human being, all judgement from a daughter’s perspective aside, he is simply such a beautiful being.

We bantered a bit about life, its challenges, and what we need to look at when someone presents themselves into our lives—whether it is a lover, friend, colleague or someone that we are chatting up at the local pub.

He did not throw this zinger at me, yet our conversation reminded me of one of the many nuggets the offered over the years. It has to do with taking a good look at someone, understanding their motives, the place from within that they are operating and projecting upon you and the world. And how it affects you, moves you, and sometime you cannot help but to fall in love with the

personality: but marry the character.

Sheesh! What a thought!

It does not mean that we marry one individual, yet whomever we come into contact with, at first we embrace the personality—the charm, cute looks, philosophy of life.

Yet when we commit ourselves to that person—whether it be as a friend, companion, lover, lifetime partner, there is that underlying current that the personality is built upon-- their character.

And what is character, anyway? I think it goes back to that values conversation that we had earlier. Sometimes I wonder if personality is the espoused value, while the character is the value in practice. Kind of the talk-action paradigm (decision is intrinsic to this argument, however for the sake of this chat let’s put it to the side). We talk, hence we are personality in the flesh. We act, that is our character in full demonstration.

On the flip—could it be that our personality it who we aim to become, similar to espoused values and mission? And as long as we live it, will we become it? Fulfill it?

question: what is your type?