Things are changing rapidly here, both personally and professionally. For a hint, just take a look at where I will be within the month, listed as my location on my profile….
The past ten years have been difficult, sprinkled with joy and amazing growth opportunities. I admit that I have taken the tougher path, why I have no idea, yet last Sunday was an indication that I have come
…full circle: with who I am and am healthy and whole. Finally.
Since last August I started a process that was frightening at times, sad, painful. I started to really look in and see who I am, why I picked the guys I have in the past, where my voids were, where the little girl was at the wheel, why I never owned my emotions, felt rejected… on and on and on.
Then this past Sunday I had a feeling that something was not resolved, that I had overlooked something. As some of you know, I have been looking to move to Switzerland for quite some time. Many interviews, a few opportunities, yet things did not seem to fit. Well, I have found a professional fit and am moving. Yet my heart was not in alignment—it was not that I was not ready to do it, yet something was tugging at me and I knew it had something to do with Denmark.
As I was out with my girlfriend at a farm last Sunday, I got a heavy feeling. So deep I had to leave early so that I could get home and think. Spent a few hours searching for what was bugging my heart and figured it out—it was someone who had been under my nose the entire time! It even woke me at 2:30 in the morning that night and I never went back to bed. Things over the past few months started to make sense, all the subtleties, people’s impressions and observations…
Once I made this discovery, several things occurred. First, my heart and mind came in alignment. I realized that had I discovered these feelings any sooner, I would have been operating out of that unhealthy and painful framework. Which means I could face it now-- as opposed to just acting without truly understanding where it was coming from, driven by that old need to be accepted at all costs. Then the slight fears of moving to Switzerland disappeared. Completely.
I *gave in* to what I was feeling rather than fighting and overanalyzing things, yet checked in to be sure that it was coming not from a need to be loved and accepted, but rather from a place where that love is a true gift—no conditions, no expectations, just plain is. It is a gift not only when received yet also when we give it…
And deep in my heart I know that for the first time I am healthy and whole. As for Denmark, well, who knows, yet sometimes we have to leave in order to come back.
On the flip—share this with the other? Or hold it in?
Well, I admit I took the plunge after examining everything and shared what I came to discover. And the beauty of it all is that I did not panic, cling on to the notion and most certainly did not feel rejected. Not at all. That in itself is a testament that I have come full circle.
The little girl inside is finally, finally at peace. The woman is free.
question: what is your gift?
26 April 2007
15 April 2007
cat circle...
Yes, yes. I know. Have not had an entry here in two weeks. Just as Bartlomeij and I chatted about in Warsaw, when things are even keeled and there is not either a heart break or swoon, there is usually silence. Or, a perhaps a process in motion that is so subtle, we are being *put to the test* so to speak, with our new founded knowledge of who we are and how we make decisions.
There is a saying here in Denmark that refers to making decisions as to whether or not one should move forward. When it comes to dating, as opposed to the going out on multiple dates to get to know someone, here it is customary to let “the
…cat circle: around the warm porridge”
Explanation: it is like a mating ritual, so to speak, when applied to dating. The saying actually refers to waiting, secondary to indecision. The cat is waiting for the right time to take action and it is appropriate to do so when the porridge is just right in temperature.
When two people are interested in one another, they slowly get to know each other without going on dates. In fact, going on a first date in Scandinavia is a signal that it is serious. The focus is on the process of getting to know one another and not the end result of a date. Tough to do with everyday life in the way!
I think, think, think I was circling the warm porridge. I really do not know for this process is new to me. Of course my results-oriented cultural upbringing has me laughing at times by referring to the dance as *circling the drain*. After what has transpired as of late, it is more like circling a dead cat.
Who knows, really, what is to happen next! It could be that the cat has a warm pulse and all that is needed is throwing the warm porridge on the cat to bring it back to life. Wait a sec, do I have to go through this 8 more times?!
On the flip—what does a process like this teach us?
I am learning to be more patient, to let things go as they should without having that (stupid) need to be in control. After all, letting things unfold slowly is a beautiful process. I have enjoyed it so far, albeit I had a few moments of frustration sprinkled here and there. It is teaching me to not be focused on the end result—a date with a pretty sweet person—and to let time show me who they are.
After all, this lesson is invaluable, and I have a feeling that I need will it for my next adventure.
question: is your porridge too hot, too cold or just right?
There is a saying here in Denmark that refers to making decisions as to whether or not one should move forward. When it comes to dating, as opposed to the going out on multiple dates to get to know someone, here it is customary to let “the
…cat circle: around the warm porridge”
Explanation: it is like a mating ritual, so to speak, when applied to dating. The saying actually refers to waiting, secondary to indecision. The cat is waiting for the right time to take action and it is appropriate to do so when the porridge is just right in temperature.
When two people are interested in one another, they slowly get to know each other without going on dates. In fact, going on a first date in Scandinavia is a signal that it is serious. The focus is on the process of getting to know one another and not the end result of a date. Tough to do with everyday life in the way!
I think, think, think I was circling the warm porridge. I really do not know for this process is new to me. Of course my results-oriented cultural upbringing has me laughing at times by referring to the dance as *circling the drain*. After what has transpired as of late, it is more like circling a dead cat.
Who knows, really, what is to happen next! It could be that the cat has a warm pulse and all that is needed is throwing the warm porridge on the cat to bring it back to life. Wait a sec, do I have to go through this 8 more times?!
On the flip—what does a process like this teach us?
I am learning to be more patient, to let things go as they should without having that (stupid) need to be in control. After all, letting things unfold slowly is a beautiful process. I have enjoyed it so far, albeit I had a few moments of frustration sprinkled here and there. It is teaching me to not be focused on the end result—a date with a pretty sweet person—and to let time show me who they are.
After all, this lesson is invaluable, and I have a feeling that I need will it for my next adventure.
question: is your porridge too hot, too cold or just right?
01 April 2007
clean house...
Spring is within us now and the summer months ahead, hence time for a little spring cleaning, eh? As I have been hibernating over the past couple of weeks, watching things grow (both in the garden, soul and surroundings), I have made sure that I have been focusing on the soul, taking care to
…clean house: by removing the old and making room for the new.
When taking a look in all spiritual matters, it is important to do so or there will not be any room for new experiences or new people in our lives. Had I done this any earlier the timing would have been off kilter. What is developing in my life now could have been stunted by a too early scheduled cleaning process.
I threw out photos. Processed more feelings and took a real hard look at what transpired a few months ago—cold truth. Not from a place of judgement, yet what is not for me as a woman. Trashed old notes, e mails, phone numbers, and the promises made that went not only unfulfilled yet also totally violated. Threw out train tickets, flight stubs and notes. You name it.
Why now? Because in trusting the process I am ready now. I have this inkling deep inside that had I done so any earlier, I could have messed up what is in process now. I am slowly learning that things cannot be forced and to let go of control. Completely.
On the flip—what if the spring cleaning of the soul is not tended to? What if logic seduces us into thinking that now is the time to do so, when it is truly not?
I am learning to listen to my instincts, yet be sure that they are not coming from an insecure place that needs reassurance. I trust my gut, it is usually spot on. I try to be sure that I am not *talking* myself out of things by deluding myself with logic, yet at the same time balancing it with the emotions and feelings within, letting them be the drivers without taking the wheel. I am so thankful for doing so, especially now with letting go of control and getting the balancing act in order to a degree, for I would be missing out on something so beautiful now, unfolding slowly at its kind pace—for me not to know why right now, only to learn and enjoy at this moment with a significance to be revealed when the time is right.
question: what is(are) your chemical(s)?
…clean house: by removing the old and making room for the new.
When taking a look in all spiritual matters, it is important to do so or there will not be any room for new experiences or new people in our lives. Had I done this any earlier the timing would have been off kilter. What is developing in my life now could have been stunted by a too early scheduled cleaning process.
I threw out photos. Processed more feelings and took a real hard look at what transpired a few months ago—cold truth. Not from a place of judgement, yet what is not for me as a woman. Trashed old notes, e mails, phone numbers, and the promises made that went not only unfulfilled yet also totally violated. Threw out train tickets, flight stubs and notes. You name it.
Why now? Because in trusting the process I am ready now. I have this inkling deep inside that had I done so any earlier, I could have messed up what is in process now. I am slowly learning that things cannot be forced and to let go of control. Completely.
On the flip—what if the spring cleaning of the soul is not tended to? What if logic seduces us into thinking that now is the time to do so, when it is truly not?
I am learning to listen to my instincts, yet be sure that they are not coming from an insecure place that needs reassurance. I trust my gut, it is usually spot on. I try to be sure that I am not *talking* myself out of things by deluding myself with logic, yet at the same time balancing it with the emotions and feelings within, letting them be the drivers without taking the wheel. I am so thankful for doing so, especially now with letting go of control and getting the balancing act in order to a degree, for I would be missing out on something so beautiful now, unfolding slowly at its kind pace—for me not to know why right now, only to learn and enjoy at this moment with a significance to be revealed when the time is right.
question: what is(are) your chemical(s)?
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