24 February 2007

everything has...

Personal writing has been at an all time high for me these past six months. I have my e journal, this blog, you name it. When I was in Münich I realized that I have not hand written squat in a journal and it could very well be that self exploration could be augmented by it. So I picked one up, it is beautiful, and started writing fervently while on the plane home. My boss looked over at me, for he was sitting beside me, and asks *feel better?*. Yes, yes yes! His comment had duality to me—acknowledging me and my need to express and explore and how it is a part of who I am, while demonstrating that he is a gentle person who cares how others are doing. Kisses to Jesper!

So I have been writing like a champ in it, and hit another milestone. Writing by hand is more revealing than I ever thought, for it showed me that

…everything has: a reason in the *process* and arrives only when we are ready

to see things and accept them.

Throughout time I have not been too overly occupied with what people may think of me and my actions, for if we are pushed away then it is their loss for not getting to know us. Or maybe we are just not for them. Whatever, no biggie. The point being that had I started hand writing any earlier, I may have missed the following growth opportunity.

I learned, through hand writing freestyle (which we cannot do when using an e journal, it is sooo easy to strike and edit), that subconsciously I may have tendencies to be preoccupied with what my actions and words communicate, hence I was possibly being self protective to a degree. I acknowledge this, for there are times where my initial reaction is *so-and-so is rejecting me*, yet I coach myself out of that terrible thought digression—it can be getting turned down from a job, being told that the work I am doing is not up to snuff, whatever.

Then I did something about it, put myself to the test, so to speak. I wrote my heart out on 24 pages, ripped them out and sent them to the person that has been and is a part of my life, albeit not actively so in the sense that we are actively engaged tis very moment. In the sense that I am learning and growing each day from our experiences.

When we write personally, we have no intentions, no goals, other than to explore. We are not trying to change or understand anyone but ourselves. So what we communicate is raw and interpretation is for us to explore ourselves, without judgement nor expectations. There are no goals in the sense that we are trying to change what people see in us, nor encouraging them to act in any way. It is just there.

So of course as I waited in line at the post, the little Jenny inside was thinking *what is this saying when we send it? What will they think?*. I acknowledged the fear, dealt with it and let it go. We cannot be held responsible for what others feel, or better put, what they choose to feel. And with that I let go the notion of what actions and words communicate, for I had no goals nor a mission with sending it.

He can... open it. Not open it. Read it. Embrace it. Hop on a plane. Throw it away. Save it. Return it. Burn it. Pick up the phone. Be silent. Love it. Not read it. Hate it. Mull over it. File it. Act. Share it. Not act. Cry. Write. Laugh. Get angry. Accept it. Feel joy. Interpret it. Crumple it. Reread it. Keep it...

Any of the above, any combination of feelings and actions.

(hence anticipate everything and expect nothing)

I just wanted to share and that is it. Why? Well, that part is a little personal for it deals with another and it is not open for advertisement. Other than I understand why things are happening in the way I see them, this person is still amazing and I wanted to share my thoughts on it. Nothing else.

*Old Jen* (Jen led by Jenny, the little girl inside, with her driving at the wheel) would not have sent it, afraid of what the other will think. Jenny would have just broiled, moped, looking to be rescued. As for sending it, of course little Jenny would hope for something to occur, yet as I discovered through my process I am sending my personal pages, there are no intentions whatsoever, there are no expectations whatsoever. Big girl in the driver’s seat!

On the flip—rationalizing, anyone? Or are we kidding ourselves?

My thoughts are there is an absence of over-rationalizing and hence a balance. As addie stated, *logic is the opiate of those who are afraid of their feelings*. I may be analyzing things, yet that is just to double check that I am balanced between the two (logic and feelings) and to learn from it. Not to correct, not to explain.

Sending the journal pages is a part of my personal liberty, setting me free from the shackles of the fear of repercussions secondary to worrying about what my words communicate. Yes, of course I think about what I do/say communicates to others, do not get me wrong, I want to be loving, understanding and supportive with my actions and words. Yet over the years I have been OBSESSED at times with what it communicates, to the point of suffocating myself with fear, driven by the need to be accepted at all costs. I know where that comes from—upbringing. That is another thread indeed…

question: what is your obsession?

23 February 2007

off again...

I have another blogspot where I explore my feelings. I guess you can call it my *processing center*. I like to compartmentalize things, blending all subjects and intentions into one big pot is a challenge.

So on http://unearthed-bliss.livejournal.com/ I explored people, places and things and how we get hurt. And how we cope… so I am

…off again: on a new adventure.

Next stop: the US. CT, again!

“Things cannot hurt us, places cannot hurt us. People with things and in places can. I guess that is why I like planes”.

Living abroad can be suffocating, and I have to find my way to *dance out of my constriction* every now and then. So it is off to follow my passion for righting the world and correcting injustice by attending a “Withdraw the Troops” rally in Hartford, Connecticut on St. Patrick’s Day. Plus see my dad, some of the fam, and possibly tend to a little biz.

I realize that I seek solace through travelling, and yes it can perceivably be that I am running. I see it as a healthy escape, just like listening to music. The core of me was raised moving, it makes up who I am and I have embraced it. Travelling equals comfort. Plus, I tend to reconnect with myself when absorbed in my culture for a little bit. My ex even notices that I am more charged up when I return. I feel more integrated and more of a participant here when I quench my thirst.

It could also be that I associate good times with flying, for when I was growing up I looked forward to hopping on the plane in the summer time to visit my dad.

I have learned that there are several things that keep my world humming along—music, getting involved in causes, driving fast and putting myself in new and challenging situations. Here, well, my music (old school hip hop and R&B) is found nowhere, so I reactivated my SIRIUS satellite subscription via the internet and I do feel better. I go home and get involved, since here it can be tough to do for several reasons. That is how I nurture myself. My music and need to get involved in causes are my remedies for my need to feel needed, have a sense of belonging and validated. I drive fast (the only driving law I break is the speed limit, nothing else), listening to music and singing along. Albeit I wish I had my satellite radio in the car like I did at home!

On the flip—what if we cannot escape, or do not know how? What if we feel that we do not deserve the validation our soul needs, afraid to healthfully nurture our spirits?

It would be denying ourselves the ability, inherit right, to become beautiful people. We can only give back when we are charged up and excited about life.

question: what is your escape?

18 February 2007

the key...

Building upon our conversation of how staying with our love is the “greatest adventure of all,” it has struck me that

…the key: to doing so is by not seeking approval

from the one we love. Follow me on this.

Growing up, we seek approval from our parents. It is a simple fact of life. If we do not resolve the underpinning issues of our childhood—particularly those when we are rejected by our parents by not getting their approval and love—we carry it into our adult relationships and seek approval from our mate, or make choices to get the approval of our parents. It is taking the infamous “had you known better you would not have hurt yourself” we heard as we were growing up (instead of “come here, I know you hurt yourself, let me hug you”), and the pain associated with it, and our need to get approval in spite of it, all the way through adulthood and into our relationships. End result= running from our love, our self and our life.

We then *fall in love*, *love* and are NOT able to give in an authentic way and will not allow ourselves to get so close that we could hurt. Why? While growing up, seeking approval and love, we were rejected and hence hurt. We never learned what it would be to make it past that pain, for our parents may have not been able to love us in a pure and unadulterated way.

So, we continue in grown up bodies, never getting close. When we do get close, the child inside of us panics, hits the red button and we as the adult runs. Instead of honouring the panic with self honesty, we in turn create reasons for not being able to stay—have to return home, change jobs, move—whatever the excuse, just as long as we do what we were trained to do when love starts to hurt—run.

No wonder there are so many of us who are broken! Once we are truly loved, our trigger mechanism from the past where we associate love with pain kicks in, and we take off running.

For the first time I did not run, nor did I hang on… in the past I would have, yet he was not ready to go on, and I did not *force* the relationship. My forcing it would have been my inner child trying to cling on to someone who would have hurt me, therefore giving in to my cycle of associating love with pain.

I gave up on seeking approval a long time ago from one parent. And then a few months ago I realized that I did not get to that stage with the other. I worked on it, and it has enabled me to operate approval-seeking-free, and the result? To be able to become close, to love without inhibition and to survive and let go should it not work out.

On the flip—what if we never get to that point where we do not seek approval?

We will continually be in a cycle of self denial, lacking the ability to be self honest, and perpetually heartbroken. Running, running running...

Break the cycle. Accept through self honesty. Forgive. Love.

question: what is your key to fulfillment?

16 February 2007

we cannot...

Yeah, big Friday night sitting quietly doing nothing.

I was asked by my colleague, *turn that frown upside down*, what I have planned for the weekend… nada! I have zippo plans, nice after travelling a ton and this past week at work was insane. No sleep, so needless to say when I got home today I took a nice nap.

Of course my mind wandered a bit, thinking about all that has transpired over the past year and a little more focused upon recent events.

As mentioned earlier, logic is the opiate of those who are afraid of their feelings. Those who choose to run, often times, do it in the guise of being needed elsewhere. Part of that is feeding the need to be wanted and having to be needed by others on a level where they are not really challenged to love and grow. Regardless,

…we cannot: save people, all we can do is give them choices and opportunities.

The rest is up to them.

Terrible how at times we think we can rescue people. Yet the honest truth is that we can only change the world around us by changing ourselves, and that is it. And by running to rescue, we are feeding into our personal myth that the *saving* will change us, that others will see something in us that will make them want to choose us. Plus, rescuing may rob others of their growth process too.

There is a saying in Danish that translates to *the cat walking around the hot porridge*. Why do some choose to dance around the issues? Dance around us? Dance around life, as opposed to being self honest, confronting fears and just going for it? And how do we separate the times when we want to rescue from *going for it*?

On the flip—what if running away is the way to self rescue? What if we do not let others keep on with their myth?

Of course we can see through the BS. Yet there is not much we can do, other than let the person go through their process and live through their illusional myth. It may be the very process they need to go through in order to change themselves, therefore changing the world.

Think about it… although we may not like what others choose, it does create new opportunities!

question: what is your myth?

13 February 2007

releasing the...

Whoa! Something just hit me tonight! Another *I get it! I get it!*

I was driving home and heard a Tina Dico song playing on the radio (weird here, for she is Danish is not played often on the radio here). I felt uplifted, excited. I realize I am

…releasing the: pain and sorrow over the past few weeks

and am in the stages of spiritual renewal.

Her CD *In the Red* is significant for me. My 35th birthday gift from my *boyfriend* at work, I did not open it immediately when I received it, which is good for when I did, I was ready to listen (otherwise I would not have been as receptive, and what a blessing it was that I waited to play it).

I popped it into the brat-mobile’s CD player first in early October 2006. It reminds me of someone and the tender experiences we shared. I played it many times, for it brought sweet memories and created even sweeter ones. Then, it became a source of sadness after things ended and I thought I could never bear to hear her voice again.

The song that was playing is my favourite, *Warm Sand*. Usually it would have made me cry, thinking of the last time I heard it and where I was, yet this time I felt beautiful. Especially the chorus:

Warm sand underneath my feet,
no promises left for you to keep.
Fortune’s smiling back at me,
forgetting the things that could have been,
the things that might have been
and the things that should have been…

I was singing at the top of my lungs, even though I am still a little off key with my cold (damn it, Jesper!). Empowering. Uplifting.

On the flip—what to do when you cannot get past the music? What if that moment does not come, or what if it the feeling of letting go is temporary?

Of course we may wake up in a few days and feel down temporarily, with the high seemingly long gone. Yet think about it, a few days have gone by without the pain and what a gift it is. Soon those days will turn into longer stretches of days, then possibly weeks, then months with intermittent blue ones. Hopeful indeed!

After all, my book is not finished, I am open to everything, anything and everyone who enters and re-enters my journey.

question: when do you sing?

12 February 2007

hope has...

Anger is a healthy thing. It has been a challenge to be able to feel and process anger, for at times I feel guilty in doing so. I remind myself it is not the feeling itself that is unhealthy, but rather how it is processed can be, especially if we hurt the one who loves us most.

Sitting on the side of the fence where hurt and pain landed, my compassion subdued anger that should have surfaced. No more! I have become angry, felt it, and as Augustine said

…hope has: two children, anger and courage.

Anger at the way things are and the courage to make it better. Perfectly said.

It takes compassion, understanding and love to overcome the potential unhealthy aspects of anger and embark on the journey towards hope. I heard this definition of hope—anger and courage-- the other night during a Colbert Report segment, and it is so true. Anger is just an ingredient of a greater whole—hope. To transcend it we need courage.

Courage to stand up. Courage to let go. Feel the anger, let it hurt, embrace courage and turn it into hope. Once there is hope, we soldier on.

On the flip—what if we harbour anger at our parents throughout adulthood? What if we do not explore this through our self honesty as adults and address it through courage?

Solved—we hurt those who love us in relationships, then run. The courage necessary to overcome the anger buried deep is either not there, or we are not willing to take the courage. Instead, we act out of our buried anger towards our parents by taking it out on the one who loves us so in our relationships, by neglecting the relationship, them and running away eventually.

And that is why I did not chase—I saw that. I saw the anger inside, the unresolved anger towards parents that could have potentially been taken out upon me. Why fight for that? Courage is something that we choose on our own and no one can lead us there.

It starts with self honesty, self acceptance, letting go of the need to seek approval—the courage to do these very things. From this springs hope, then the ability to love and be loved freely, without inhibition, so that we can engage in the “greatest adventure of all”.

I can only hope that courage is chosen by us all.

question: when is your courageous moment?

09 February 2007

close enough...

I get it! I get it!

I now realize why this last month, with the unknown and ensuing fall out, has hurt so much!

For the first time I have let someone

…close enough: to hurt me

and wow, how painful it can be! Yet liberating…

I think we all go through life looking for the soulmate without taking the risk—the risk of giving all of our self, in pure vulnerability. We are so guarded, keeping things in us close to us, calculate, and run so that we will not truly, deeply nor profoundly hurt should things have to end. Even if it the *end* is for a little while, for we never truly know if we will pick it up again with the same person down the road.

Even if we do not return to the journey with the person we have loved so, is it not wonderful to love freely, without inhibition? Yes, the pain hurts, the heart aches, the soul does not understand while the brain with its logic is trying to make sense of it all.

When we fall in love with someone new, it is an amazing ride on the merry go round. Yet, we forget that people are new only for the first day… then they can make us happy, sad, thrilled, as we get to know one another .. and one may run for that innocence of newness fades and the work commences. Or it is perceived as fading, and misperceived as work. More than likely, it is just that they are afraid to give and do not know how to receive love, and therefore run for the hills.

On the flip—what if we never, truly, in an unadulterated fashion, love and give? What if we decide to run instead?

If we choose to run, we end up avoiding our self, the one who truly loves us and our whole life.

We are all scared, to a degree. I was, I admitted it. Love, pure, honest, open and accepting love is scary. When we are not ready-- when we do not face up to our self honesty-- we let the little person inside take over and we run.

I did not run. I am tired of running from my self, the one who loves me and my whole life. I chose to face myself with honesty over a year ago and chose to never run again. I was, and am, living my life and being my authentic self. I could only imagine if the other did stay as well, as opposed to running away… for staying is the “greatest adventure of all”. I look forward to the time when the other chooses to stay for the adventure too.

Either way, I continue on. Life is amazing, especially when we give it our all in everything we do.

question: who is your adventure?

the tears...

I have been journaling these past few weeks—by hand!—and it is helping. Yet as I flew home from Italy earlier this week I hit that spot again, and wept quietly while going to the gate in Münich.

Gently, softly, without notice, as they started a while ago and have continued every so often,

…the tears: of love lost, hope, struggle within and yearning

streamed down my cheek even more so as the plane took off.

I know that it was not me, yet I wonder, what drives someone to consciously decide to stop loving? It is fear inside, the fear of being vulnerable and being loved. It was not me, who I am and what I bring to the table that ended it. I was left behind. And I think that is the worst place to be. Or is it?

It is the first time that I did not chase. The little girl inside wants to act, the adult says no, not right now. I have wanted to pick up the phone, yet what stops me is knowing that I did not decide this, I was powerless in the current outcome and it is not for me to mend. Ball is in the other court.

The pain every now and again surfaces, much less as of late for I am choosing not to have negative energy take away my spirit. What makes it a challenge is that I know deep inside the love did not die, it was even admitted to me as I was heading towards immigration a few weeks ago. And then as I was getting stamped I briefly looked over my shoulder… I will never forget what I saw.

I know why it came to an unannounced halt (I think that is partly why I ache sometimes, I was not prepared for the sudden departure). Knowing the true reason—running away in fear, going back to the only thing that can take the fear of being loved away by moving, changing jobs, whatever logic/excuse used to escape the feelings—is what makes it harder. I am empathetic and compassionate and can see through the bullshit. However, it would ease things if *I am not prepared to do this right now, I will not be able to love you as I should, I am not ready for this right now* was said-- the willingness to come clean with the true reason via self honesty behind the run.

On the flip—what if there are no tears? Too angry? Insensitive? Or the period of numbness?

So as silence hits, as things slow down and the opportunity for bittersweet memories of love lost start to resurface, I remember that I gave it my all that was warranted at that time. And I smile, for the experience alone was thrilling while it lasted, creating memories that puts the sparkle back into my eyes, and I move along I realizing that I am overcoming this. The freedom!!!

Proof in point? I am embracing everything, had a great time in Poland, and have more exciting things to come!

question: when do your tears fall?

04 February 2007

the inspiration...

What an amazing weekend!

After returning from Switzerland a few weeks ago, I decided that night to throw myself out there and go to a place I have never been. SAS.dk, cheap tix and two weeks later, I find myself in Warsaw this weekend. Not knowing a soul, except for a friend of a friend (whom I have never met before) who was at the airport with friends in tow for a fun filled weekend.

Friday night was dinner with a few, pretty low key. Then Saturday came, finding myself at a party with over 50 people, meeting new faces and all walks of life. After leaving the party about 1:30am and planning on turning in for the evening, a few rescued me from the hotel for a fun night in downtown Warsaw with amazing conversation.

The subject wandered around life in general, what makes us get up in the morning. The focus narrowed on writing and what is

…the inspiration: that moves people and the world they occupy.

It came to two things:

being in love and heartbreak

Interesting, and rather truthful. Do we ever get profound without being in love, or having our heart break?

And I thought about the silence that comes—that serenity when things are in place and there is no chaos. It seems that when we are there, we are moving yet not being moved.

On the flip—could it be that while we are moving, we are just taking the energy that has moved us and putting it into action? Or are we fooling ourselves by being busy so that for a bit we turn off the thoughts and shelve the feelings for a bit?

When in love and when heartbroken, creativity is abound. That quiet, introspective creativity. As healing progresses, it seems that life picks up again and going through the motion is simple and fulfilling. That could very well be why my previous entry was so, uh, scattered. I may have caught myself transcending the pain from the weeks before at the very moment and embarking upon the silence. Process in motion, time shall tell.

question: when are you inspired?

01 February 2007

empty handed...

I have no idea where to start this entry… so much has been going on between the heart, mind and soul these past few weeks that I can honestly say, for the first time, I am feeling rather

…empty handed: minus thoughts, feelings you name it, nothing salient to offer at this moment.

Ah, silence, maybe? Empty headed feels more like it.

Or it could be total exhaustion! Work has me all over Europe and tomorrow I am off to get away for the weekend. Then Monday it starts with the travelling again (yea) and the following weekend, albeit was to go skiing, finds me at home. After next weekend, no trips, no travel for a while. Just as well, for there are things that need to be tied up here in DK.

As I was struggling to get home this morning and all through last night while stuck in Frankfurt, I held on to the notion of trusting the process. I was to be home from Milan last night, yet thanks to fog, diverted aircraft, 2 hour unplanned bus ride to get to said aircraft, in the air late and missing my connection, I kept thinking *what is to intersect my life due to the unexpected*? Other than getting home the next day dog tired. Why did I need to be away from home a little longer? What is out there to greet me that I would have ordinarily missed had things gone as planned?

On the flip—when do we feel, and when should we get busy getting silent? Or shut off the thinking for a bit, how to do it? Stay busy? When to rest and absorb? When we slow down, don’t we tend to think a little too much?

Balancing between the above even I have found to be tough as of late. I am starting to wonder if I need to just let go a bit, quit replaying everything in my head. Then again, I also need to forgive myself too, heck, it has been not even two weeks… I have allowed myself to feel, and I am wondering, just maybe, if the busyness is a way to protect myself. Even for a few days. Maybe it is part of the process of adjusting to the changes as of late.

Lene is correct. I think too much at times!!! Any tips on how to *just be*? And as I reread this, I see that (once again) my need to know what is coming up surfaces…

I look forward to understanding from a broader perspective why the past few weeks and several months occurred, and what it is meant for my life. You know, that *oh NOW I get it* moment!

There are many variables in play, even though I do not know what is going on with the other side. And yes, tempting to reach out, for of course there could be some clarity, yet I did not choose to go alone, so… only time will tell, and hence trust the process.

As demonstrated, I too am having a heck of a time doing so. My mind is working overtime, and I need to just let that go. Thought circles are endless, are they not? Tips on how to break it?

I think I will start with laundry to blunt the overthinking, packing for my trip (well, unpack, repack). And ready for a weekend full of new people, places and things-- the anticipated unexpected and the beauty that comes along with it.

question: when do you ramble?