independent woman...

A few weeks ago, while I was sitting at a bar sharing a beer with several male colleagues at Manchester Airport, the subject of relationships came up (funny how the conversation seems to steer this way eventually). I was reflecting on that conversation, as well as where I have heard the same request of other men in passing over the years, and even more recently in a relationship where it was professed that it is one of the many qualities I possess that are likeable (this was before getting to the emotional intimacy). Then it hit me, that the *codeword* of men, when they say that they want an

…independent woman: they mean someone who is not emotionally available, that feelings are a scary thing and would not want to be bothered.

Kind of akin to *I just want someone who is like one of the guys.* (Got to give props to Dad on that one, great description, Dad!)

When we women here those words, the knee jerk response is “I *AM independent, I have my own career, own money, can take care of myself, thankyouverymuch”. Yet this is what a man does not mean when he says *independent*. It is possibly their way of saying that emotional intimacy is something that scares them, that getting to truly know someone is frightening, and letting a woman know who they truly are is a ticket to perceived rejection that would be painful.

The roles/expectations/needs of men and women in relationships have changed drastically over the past few generations. The days where a woman needs a man to provide a home, financial security and food on the table are long gone (well, not for everyone and not in all cultures, and for the sake of this discussion, heterosexual relationships are being explored). We are at the stage in relationships now where we women want emotional security, we want to open up and feel safe with our partner. And for a relationship to be open, loving, safe and authentic, emotional intimacy is one of the building blocks—for both involved.

Men are programmed to *fix* things, and when they cannot, they feel helpless. That is probably why some dislike watching us as we are in labor. They cannot help. They cannot fix. And it could be possible that the very feeling of helplessness consumes them when it comes to emotional intimacy. I mean, their father or their grandfathers did not have to do this, so where is the role model and why is it necessary, anyway?

They say money cannot buy happiness. That things and objects cannot replace love. As women have evened the score by providing for themselves, it has opened up the realization that regardless of how well we provide for ourselves, whether male or female, it cannot substitute for emotional intimacy in a relationship.

On the flip—what if true emotional intimacy is not achieved in a relationship? Or what happens when we perceive that we are there, only to see that our partner cannot take the next step(s)?

I have learned this the hard way: when we are afraid of emotional intimacy, we let the little one at the wheel, seduced by what is perceived as *adult logic* and start running. Creating chaos in our relationships. Holding others responsible for how we feel and what actions result from those feelings. Allowing ourselves to be held responsible for what others feel. Always feeling like we need to be rescue and try to rescue others. Running from relationships. Overachieving. Having to cough up exhaustive lists as to why we are late, did not get something done on time. The inability to truly commit. Making others responsible for our happiness. Acting out in pain and being destructive. Consumed by fear, fear of rejection, fear of abandonment. The list can go on and on…


Where all along, it is the little one inside that is seeking the approval, validation and love to fill a void from long ago. After all, we are predisposed through something in our childhood that may link love with pain. It makes us more predisposed to be involved in a relationship where both partners are co-dependent… unhealthy.

It has been a painful journey, nurturing my little person inside, yet only at times for I manage to break through the painful parts of the journey. I have come to understand WHY I chose to do things, and embrace the feelings underneath the surface that drove me in the past. Do I falter at times? YES. I am perfect? NO. Will I ever be perfect? NO. (no one can, period). Am I healthy? YES. Am I still in my process? YES. Does it hurt sometimes? YES. Is it worth it? YES!

We are never cured, we only manage, and when we choose to manage the child in us, it is healthy. Meaning, that we will have these feelings from the little one inside surface over the years, they may never go away. The difference lies in how we ACT on those feelings, or most importantly, choosing NOT to act. And of course that comes to the perception of self worth, the foundation of it.

We are all worthy of love.
We are worthy of being loved.
We are worthy to love another.
We are beautiful creatures inside.
We are scared. Frightened. Nervous.
We are human.

Things never stay the same, life is one long process. We tend to think the world may end if we reveal ourselves to someone, if we take the risks in life, if we face our inner music and the child within. Once we let go of control, surrender to the process, our lives will seem more relaxed, the stress is lower… we can breathe.

(what a diatribe!)

So, I am NOT independent, not by the *codeword* meaning. I am a human, a woman, who seeks to intimately know her emotions and feelings each day and is willing, wanting, and needing the same from a man. Honesty and truth comes from that. A bond that can flex with changing times and situations, over the years, comes from that. Many beautiful things come from that, even if the process to get there at times is difficult, for staying and sticking it our with another in true emotional intimacy is the greatest adventure of all.

question: what is your codeword?