the fight...

I was working the other day in the R&D department, mapping out flowcharts for a project and my head was hurting. Trying to put logic into the disease of diabetes is insane—always a battle of which came first, the chicken or the egg. A colleague saw that I wrote frowny face above it all—my way of putting a label on how I was feeling, for this project is demanding and I am trying to give it everything while my emotional fuel tank is low.

And that got me thinking, about the conversation that Addie and I had on an earlier conversation here about putting up

…the fight: of your life for the one you love,

the energy it requires and whether or not if it is even right to fight.

I have been torn with that, looking back over my shoulder. Should I have fought harder? Was my not fighting the equivalent of abandonment?

What I would have been fighting for is someone who needed time to heal, and doing that work needs to be initiated on their own—both in their choosing and in their time. I wanted to fight for us, so hard. I am still torn…

On the flip—what if we win the fight, and get the prize, someone who is not ready? What if we succeed in keeping them from running?

It can be selfish when we fight to keep our loved one from running, for it could perceivably be giving in to the little person inside us that needs acceptance, love and acknowledgement at all costs, even from someone who does love us but does not want us right now, or cannot have us right now. And it is not letting our soulmate grow the way they should—alone for a bit so that they are ready for us. Even if they are running—from themselves, from the love we have to give. They need to grow first alone, then return when ready.

We deserve nothing less, especially when we have learned to love ourselves and know that we deserve love, from someone who is healthy in the sense that they recognize why they wanted to run, did what they did, and are willing to be vulnerable with us every step of the way while engaging in their self honesty. We are never cured, we are never perfect, only healthy when we face our inner music, after all. And it is so beautiful when both are doing the work while acceptingly loving each other, making life journeyed by two so rewarding—worthy of fighting for.

And after reading this several times, it has occurred to me that both need to fight for it, the love they share and the relationship, together. One cannot fight for it alone, and if only one is willing to put up the fight, well… it is not a good thing. Then again, the one who runs may be putting up the fight in their own way—to become whole again so that the journey of two is built upon a more solid foundation. Yet it can also be more admirable when the one who recognizes they are running stops in their tracks and says *I will run no longer, I will face this and my fears*. Many ways of looking at it… either way, trust the process, things happen for a reason and what is meant to be is meant to be (MUCH easier said than done).

As for the frowny face, my colleague erased the frown and in its place drew a smile. That is a positive thing, one I wrote down in my *5 positive things that happened today* list. Thank you, so much… you have no idea what that means to me, and it is such a gift.

question: when do you go into battle?