29 January 2007

more time...

I am so happy that we get *Grey’s Anatomy* here in DK. I enjoy it very much, and look forward to my quiet Monday evening alone, blogging, writing, thinking, and finishing the evening with a good episode.

Last week delivered, as always, another episode that leaves you thinking. Meredith Grey, the main character, narrates the episode throughout and always ends it with a few thoughts as they pan in on the characters. She spoke of how “all that we ever want is

...more time: time to stand up, time to grow up, time to let go…

time”.

And it struck me, for I still have wonderful days sprinkled with sad moments. I had to pat myself on the back, for I am waking each day regardless of the pain.

For once I did not chase, giving in to the little girl. I stood up as a woman. And in doing so I was able to create the distance needed to grow, and hence the space to let go. Of course in letting go I am wrought with sadness, joy, anger and hopefulness. As time passes the healing slowly takes place and letting go, for now, as a process shall open my eyes.

On the flip—what if there was more time to fight? More time to develop with another?

As I was looking over my shoulder so briefly last weekend, while riding the train and tram as the sun sparkled with renewed hope, I wished inside that I had more time. More time to love, more time to grow, more time to give… I sat at a kitchen table fervently writing away, trying to encapsulate in the few minutes left all I had to give. Attempting to pack in everything that is me, in a handful of moments and words, and of course that is impossible to do. I miss my soulmate so…

To only have more time… to..

dance salsa together to Spanish Harlem. Go out as one. Love one another. Celebrate. Shop. Cook. Watch movies. Continue our kissing at every turn. Ride the tram. Fly to one another. Live. Breathe. Love. Enjoy. Cultivate. Bond. Grow. Accept one another. Become one. Listen to Tina Dico. Oh I wish we had more time…

Then I gave in, or rather surrendered and accepted that no matter what there is never enough time, and if the other is not willing to fight as well, slamming everything into a short period is nearly futile. The gift of us cannot be appreciated in a snippet.

That is why I give, we never have enough time. Even more of a reason to live life to the fullest, loving ourselves and those around us, never fearing who we are, what we have to give to this world and choosing to stop running.

Even though at times it hurts, that recoil from love lost after giving, I have to remember Addie’s comment that it is worthwhile to do so, for that is the essence of living. And to remember that when together with our soulmate, we should treat time so preciously, giving our all, and if our soulmate chooses otherwise it is time to let go. For now.

question: when is your finest hour?

28 January 2007

perfect moment...

I need to make a better habit of visiting addie’s blog, www.placesiveneverbeen.com, more often. She is an amazing girl, one who is willing to take the risk of loving unconditionally with faith coupled in the hope of earning her heart’s wings.

So this morning while working at home, I dropped in to see what addie has been up to and read more of her personal writing. On the front page of her blog is a picture of a girl holding a fortune cookie paper that says “if you wait too long for the

…perfect moment: the perfect moment will pass you by.”

Sheesh. So true.

There is so much going on in this world, inside us and around us it seems almost impossible to identify the perfect moment. So much noise. The perfect moment is a brief second in a larger continuum of time, that uncertain period of what constitutes the *long goodbye*.

How do we decide when is the perfect moment? Do we go with the

(heart): go with what you feel

-or-

(logic): never let the emotions lead the way (Dad’ism)

-or-

(balance the feelings with logic???)

-pause here-

(kisses to addie): logic is the opiate of those who are afraid of their feelings.

On the flip—should we wait for the *oerlikon moment* instead-- when things come full circle, then decide? Wait, that is logic at the wheel, where is the heart in this? Or maybe the perfect moment was wrapped inside the oerlikon moment and hence has passed us by?

feel.love.wait.hope.think.breathe. (not necessarily in that order nor those ingredients)

I wish I knew the magic behind knowing when is the perfect moment… I guess the trick is to live life everyday with heart, soul and mind, loving others and sharing our gift. trust.the.process

question: what is your opiate?

27 January 2007

the fight...

I was working the other day in the R&D department, mapping out flowcharts for a project and my head was hurting. Trying to put logic into the disease of diabetes is insane—always a battle of which came first, the chicken or the egg. A colleague saw that I wrote frowny face above it all—my way of putting a label on how I was feeling, for this project is demanding and I am trying to give it everything while my emotional fuel tank is low.

And that got me thinking, about the conversation that Addie and I had on an earlier conversation here about putting up

…the fight: of your life for the one you love,

the energy it requires and whether or not if it is even right to fight.

I have been torn with that, looking back over my shoulder. Should I have fought harder? Was my not fighting the equivalent of abandonment?

What I would have been fighting for is someone who needed time to heal, and doing that work needs to be initiated on their own—both in their choosing and in their time. I wanted to fight for us, so hard. I am still torn…

On the flip—what if we win the fight, and get the prize, someone who is not ready? What if we succeed in keeping them from running?

It can be selfish when we fight to keep our loved one from running, for it could perceivably be giving in to the little person inside us that needs acceptance, love and acknowledgement at all costs, even from someone who does love us but does not want us right now, or cannot have us right now. And it is not letting our soulmate grow the way they should—alone for a bit so that they are ready for us. Even if they are running—from themselves, from the love we have to give. They need to grow first alone, then return when ready.

We deserve nothing less, especially when we have learned to love ourselves and know that we deserve love, from someone who is healthy in the sense that they recognize why they wanted to run, did what they did, and are willing to be vulnerable with us every step of the way while engaging in their self honesty. We are never cured, we are never perfect, only healthy when we face our inner music, after all. And it is so beautiful when both are doing the work while acceptingly loving each other, making life journeyed by two so rewarding—worthy of fighting for.

And after reading this several times, it has occurred to me that both need to fight for it, the love they share and the relationship, together. One cannot fight for it alone, and if only one is willing to put up the fight, well… it is not a good thing. Then again, the one who runs may be putting up the fight in their own way—to become whole again so that the journey of two is built upon a more solid foundation. Yet it can also be more admirable when the one who recognizes they are running stops in their tracks and says *I will run no longer, I will face this and my fears*. Many ways of looking at it… either way, trust the process, things happen for a reason and what is meant to be is meant to be (MUCH easier said than done).

As for the frowny face, my colleague erased the frown and in its place drew a smile. That is a positive thing, one I wrote down in my *5 positive things that happened today* list. Thank you, so much… you have no idea what that means to me, and it is such a gift.

question: when do you go into battle?

25 January 2007

gratuity list...

As I was preparing dinner this evening, it occurred to me that today is a special day. Or would have been, depends on how it is viewed. Cooking gives me solace and a chance to process, and I realized that I need to take inventory of my

…gratuity list: things, experiences and people that I am most thankful for

especially over these past few weeks.

My thankfulness is bottomless, I do not even know how to express my gratuity other than live my life to the fullest and continue evolving. And the list, albeit exhaustive, may not be complete, yet this is what I have come to…

mother nature: for openly acknowledging my need to heal by starting to snow Monday morning as I headed to work.

peder: for being a wonderful, amazing being and friend by listening to me, being supportive, making time for our chats and offering an evening of pasta and time with his wife and baby girl. Also for our online and offline chats about life, our hopes, and that there is nothing more important than surrounding ourselves with loving people. You are the best!!!

water pipes bursting: for teaching me early this morning that we should never take anything for granted, including brushing our teeth and a warm shower.

lene: for checking up on me when the *news* hit, regularly, and enlightening me that the brain is wired for negative things, so to combat it we should write down 5 positive things that happened to us everyday. Also for reminding me that I think too much, and to combat it, the best thing to do is sing (my fave every time I drive)—you cannot think while singing!!

my *loss*: for showing me that miracles can happen, and it doing so it opens our eyes to those around us and offers salient lessons in life and about those who we love, demonstrating the character of others and highlights the ones who really care. And reaffirming who I am and the light that I have.

heidi: for the big hugs and words of encouragement, and of course for all of the clinical e mails that are forwarded to me (keeps me busy and mind sharp!). And for reminding me that I have a big heart that is worthy.

diabetes: for teaching me how to love myself, forgive myself and keeping my health on track. For giving me low blood sugars at times to remind me that the better days are so beautiful. You are my homie!

my *boyfriend*: for sweetly reminding me that I keep forgetting to bring candy to the office!

heartache: for gently reminding me that I am still human and am capable of feeling and loving.

mille: for the warm bath, wine and girly time. And for listening to my tears, holding me accountable for my thoughts and keeping the little girl inside on track.

bad drivers: for teaching me patience, the art of excellent and creative cursing, and reminding me that I am an excellent driver indeed!

jesper: for reminding me to breathe… through the nose! And thanks for the cough and sniffles! Also for reminding me that if things were so easy, anyone could do them, and we should appreciate our gifts.

late trains: that there is a reason for not making it on time, and to trust the process. Also for teaching me to be patient and enjoy waiting with others.

victoria: for keeping me out and about, and not to let sadness dim my fire by encouraging me to continue with the salsa lessons! And for the sage advice, the funny interpretation of what has happened that keeps me laughing.

cold weather: for reminding me to be thankful for a warm home, coat and that water does turn into ice, therefore I should be thankful that I have a pretty good sense of balance and fall gracefully!

my ex: for teaching me the power of forgiveness, being supportive and making me laugh my way through all of this.

dirt tracked into the house: for reminding me that we are not perfect, there is always some spiritual cleaning that we must do, and as soon as we have mastered one aspect, there is another opportunity for us to learn and *clean house* again (and, well, that maybe I do need a new outdoor carpet…)

my cat: for being the most consistent man in my adult life!!

Henrik T.: for putting a smiley face over that frowny one I had drawn when I was working on the white board, trying to put logic into diabetes management (tough!)

brat-mobile: for being an excellent concert hall, faithful companion as we speed with the windows down and no heat (the car does have heat, I run rather warm, and yes I do this even in the winter time!), on the way to work, allowing me to escape my thoughts and feel free.

my dad: for loving me and accepting me for who I am, and keeping me on track. Also for the great sayings I have accumulated over the years and the wisdom they have given me through the gift of you.

projects at work: for allowing me a way to express some of my gifts, the ability to engage with others and learn how appreciate said gifts. Even if projects are frustrating at times!!!

jamie: for doing what we do best—calling each other on *our shit* and holding each other accountable the only way a loving friendship knows how. My best friend and awesome girl from back home.

innocuous yellow thai peppers: for reminding me to never judge a book by its cover nor take anything for granted, especially when we rub our eyes! (those things are more hot than the red ones… who knew!!)

my *mom*: for our Sunday afternoon chats, shared by a glass of white wine, even though we are toasting one another from 5000 miles apart, for listening to me and helping me along my path.

this blog: for giving me a place to explore my feelings, for the amazing people who contribute their experiences and insight in the comments section, the conversations that we share so that we all continue to evolve as beautiful people.

That is what I have, for now. My list, as I look back is not complete, and I will work on it everyday by adding the 5 positive things, as well as other things for which I am gracious. And with that, I am gracious for this very day and its significance.

On the flip—what if we are not able to be gracious? what if we are not able to find the beauty in things?

I have had one heck of a few weeks—the inner child is calm, and the adult is hurt, angry and disappointed. Yet I pull back and look around me… I say, should we get stuck in the rut where it seems there is no sunlight, take a step back and breathe. There is beauty in everything that occurs and is present. And trust the process, for having the darker days allows us to better appreciate the ones and experiences that surround us, including our very self—after all, when all we have are lemons, time to make lemonade!

question: for what are you thankful?

24 January 2007

blowing steam...

As adults we of course get angry, and to me at times the source is anger towards those who hurt us as we grew up by training us to see love as fearful, full of rejection and abandonment. And there are many ways to manage anger—writing, processing, venting. It is unhealthy when we vent our anger through the actions we take with the one who loves us now, particularly with our soulmate—whether passive aggressively through not being responsive, entering destructive behaviour in the relationship by letting our soulmate down, ignoring them—especially if we have not identified its source, the source being the little person inside who has yet to trust our grown up self. And it is even more dangerous when our soulmate does not understand, and we are not willing to work through it. Heck, anger is healthy, the trick is to process and feel it in a healthy way.

It is also important to understand our anger, meaning that when we start to let it out—however we do so-- we recognize the motivating factors. The other night I was

…blowing steam: venting about something so simple and innocent to process hurt and anger

and I know why. The subject matter was innocuous—work. And I admitted that I was layering and projecting—I was hurt and angry for many reasons and it had nothing to do with work, and I was still processing the source of my hurt and anger, trying to understand it. I got it out of my system without torturing my soulmate, without acting out towards my soulmate. And I had yet to be able to formulate why I was hurt and feeling angry, so process away on something innocent and frustrating as work.

Plus, I was hurt and am still hurting from the *long goodbye*, that uncertain amount of time, and what I am going through is a tough process. I am still evaluating what has transpired…

On the flip: what if we do not allow ourselves to get angry? What if we bottle it up and do not process it?

Carrying anger is lethal. It can allow us to be triggered into a rage, and words can be dangerous when they are thrown out at random, especially at the ones who love us unconditionally—faults, blemishes, joy and sparkle. And it can hold us back in our development, for it can impede self honesty, self understanding, and allow us to treat those who unconditionally love us poorly without understanding why we do what we do.

Abagail van Buren captures the essence of depression (yes, I know... go ahead and say it, I DO read Dear Abby!)-- depression is the direct result of anger turned inward. Anger at ourselves, the anger that we carry towards those that loved us the only way they knew how yet unfortunately with pain-- and we carry it inside, never expressing it nor processing it. Instead, we act out in pain, lashing at those who truly love us and run from them, while continually putting ourselves in harm's path trying to rid the pain we endure. A cycle that must be broken in order to love ourselves, allow ourselves to love while able to accept love-- true, unadulterated, unconditional love that accepts our whole being, faults and everything.

So go ahead. Get mad. Get pissed. Then get on the road to happiness and fulfillment! Let the inner child speak to those who rejected and abandoned us, then embrace the inner child, forgive yourself and the inner child, forgive those who hurt us along our path and learn to love yourself. Let the anger set in motion a new direction, choose healthy ways to get it out—write, talk to a trusted friend or even psychotherapist, create, cook, whatever—and then let it go.

question: how do you blow steam?

22 January 2007

...so close

Still in my process, looking back at what has transpired over the past five days and learning how to get a grip while keeping the beauty of life on fire.

Love is an amazing experience. It offers insight and opportunities for growth for both involved, only if each take the offering. And the signal is strong, it is when you get the feeling of fright and flight, and at that point you must make a choice, especially when you get

…so close: you get confused.

When this hits, it is time to take a step back and listen to your inner voice. The confusion is the signal—it is the little girl or boy inside that is screaming “I do not know how to love, I do not know how to accept love and I am so scared…”

This comes from our upbringing, ingrained from others who were supposed to love us unconditionally but did not know how. It is the parent who can only show how they care by the disdain of your experiences growing up, the only way they know how to say “I love you and I care.” We are all functionally dysfunctional, and when we realize this, we have to make the choice to listen and heal, or run.

Remember when you were little? What were the words of comfort? When you got hurt, was it a “come here my dear, let’s mend this together”, or “you should have known better to ____”? If we are trained over the years with the latter, we associate being loved with pain, rejection and a lack of acknowledgement. So of course as we get older we chase that love and acceptance by running—whether it be from relationship to relationship, feeling needed to the point that we jump into anything or move constantly. And we wake up one day and see that we cannot alleviate that pain, the constant desire to be loved and accepted when we look into the eyes of someone we love and realize that we cannot give, that we see their sparkle and know we do not know how to accept it. Time to make a choice. Stay –or-run-or-walk away a bit to heal and return.

The best course is to step back, take advantage of hearing our little one inside screaming, embrace him or her, love them, acknowledge them, build trust and ask for forgiveness. When these steps are taken we over time are ready to return to the one who loves us truly, deeply, unconditionally, so that we can continue our loving journey as destined—by two.

On the flip—what if the person we love hits this stage and they must walk away and heal? What do we do in the interim? What if they do not choose to heal, or are too afraid to take the journey of healing?

Love them as you let go. If it is meant to be, they will return. The love you have to give will be better appreciated and reciprocated when they return. It will be for all better. And in the meantime, trust the process. It is happening for a reason, and we have the chance to grow too while the uncertain long goodbye is in motion.

question: what is your confusion?

21 January 2007

long goodbye...

These past few days have been very intense emotionally. I do not even know where to start, and that indicates to me that I need more time to process. And to trust the process.

Our conversations of late have been around sowing and harvesting seeds of love, how long to wait and when to let go. I am learning that sometimes we have to let go at first only to come back again. Or at least have that hope, for it helps when working through the issues. Yet there comes a time when we must engage in that uncertain

…long goodbye: where we must let go of someone we love dearly for their benefit, for an uncertain amount of time, so that they one day may return whole again to continue what Mette said is important—life being journeyed by two.

Tina Dico captures it perfectly in her song titled “Long Goodbye” on her album *In The Red*. And there is a line that captures the essence of the journey that needs to be taken:

”I will do it on my own if I have to, I will go there all alone just to get to you.”

I really urge anyone and everyone to get a copy of her CD. Amazing work indeed.

We are not perfect. We will never be perfect. Ever. As for being healthy, we are never cured. What makes us healthy is that we acknowledge our issues, fears, the little person inside and continually seek an understanding of who we are through self honesty. And that we are not afraid to engage in that personal journey each and every day. When we are at that stage, we are ready to take on life as two. Scary? Yes. Necessary? Yes, especially when we want to spend life as two—meaning finding our soulmate and nurturing our relationship with them eternally.

We can find our soulmate and not be ready, therefore taking a long goodbye is essential in order to return. Both will be fulfilled, able to appreciate the gifts that each brings into the relationship, therefore better prepared to continually sow and harvest from one another over a lifetime.

On the flip—what do we do, those of us who are already engaged in that journey, when our soulmate takes a long goodbye? Since the time is uncertain, do we wait? Move on?

Long goodbyes are good for both, for each can learn from the experience and walk away still loving one another. That in itself is setting the strong foundation for that day, should it arrive, that each can come together again whole. As for the time that passes, that uncertain amount of time, we need to embrace life, pull within ourselves to nurture and heal and grab life by its ass. And when we least expect it, the long goodbye just may end with your soulmate at the door, after going “all alone just to get to you.” What to do when that happens? Well, that is another conversation…
question: when do you say hello?

15 January 2007

pinnacle moment...

Continuing on our conversation of self honesty, sharing truth with others and facing fears, my infamous coffee buddy and I were speaking tonight (and I am sooo *celosa* of the warm weather he is enjoying in Mexico) about when we choose to step up to the plate to make a difference either in someone else’s life, or more importantly in our personal life so that we can be closer to being whole, being our authentic self and consume all that life offers, able to give to the ones we love. For some, it is a continuous journey of introspection, and for others it can be a

…pinnacle moment: where something, a situation or choice, is thrust upon you

and you must decide to face your fears, embrace them and step up to the plate. Or, as some who are afraid to see inside and face the world, run.

I have often wondered what are the motivating factors behind stepping up to the plate, as well as choosing to run. There are some who recognize their fears and shortcomings, and say to themselves *I cannot run any longer, I need to be my authentic self and do what my heart desires, regardless of what others think* when they are given a pinnacle moment. Some recognize their fears and issues, yet choose not to make a difference, whether it be they do not know how to or do not care to do so. And finally some are not able to see the fears and issues at all. There could possibly be other scenarios and situations…

On the flip—what do you do when you strive to step up to the plate, yet the person whom you are with is not? Where are they on that continuum—can they see it at all, or are they in pure denial? If they do see the issues and fears that hinder them, do they acknowledge it? Or do they choose ignorant bliss? And finally, if we are in the place where we are working on our fears and issues and our loved one chooses to run, then what?

Ah…. Take a guess (I have said it before)…

trust.the.process.

We shall only know what we are to harvest if we let time pass.

And many hugs and kisses to my coffee buddy for reminding me of this tonight.

question: what was your pinnacle moment?

14 January 2007

the seeds...

Relationships are tricky at times, are they not? Sometimes we make think too much, not feel enough, not act enough, feel too much, act too much. Only we ourselves know why we are doing what we are doing, meaning behaving the way that we are in the relationship. Regardless, I am learning that to harvest from

…the seeds: of love, fulfilment, joy, passion and all the wonderful things that encompass loving someone in a relationship

you must sow these very seeds into the person first.

A Frenchman back in the early 1990’s gave me a very wise saying. He name is Alain, he owns a wine shop in northern Raleigh, NC and is a colourful character. He took his wine seriously, as all French do, even to the point of flying Beaujoulais Nouveau on a private jet from France, escorting it in a limo to the store as we awaited with a wonderful dinner to celebrate the coming holiday season.

*If you do not tend to your garden, someone else will* were the words he gave to my then boyfriend one evening. His words essentially encapsulate this philosophy: if you do not sow seeds of love and attention, kindness, if you do not invest in your partner by communicating your love to them in a way they understand and need, if you do not invest into their garden, you will not be allowed to harvest from it.

For those who are sowing and not seeing the harvest—I say keep sowing. Give it time. Some need a little more time than others to truly understand the power and sincerity of your love, to be comfortable to open up and be vulnerable with you. Even if at first they are there with you in the same way, sometimes it is possible that they may pull back to gain perspective and process what they are feeling—their love is genuine, yet they are scared and frightened. The key here is that it—being the need to have some space to process and understand-- is communicated, otherwise the person who is sowing seeds of love and does not see the reciprocity will become frustrated, sad, hurt and possibly heartbroken.

Also, if you are in a relationship and it is not as it used to be—examine it. If you want your partner to return love, affection the way it was when it started out, we must sow it into them first. Pick up the phone unexpectedly, leave a love note in the briefcase/purse, send a surprise SMS, make a *date*, or give them the space they need-- invest in your love and trust that process. And remember that love is more than words—it is an action, just as sowing is.

Overall, the trick to connectedness is to reciprocate with your partner, regularly invest and sow, so that each harvests from one another and continues to grow, and has the harvest to fuel another round of investment.

On the flip—what if we sow, sow, sow and there is no harvest? What if we invest our all into someone and do not see the returns…how do we know when to stop? How much time is enough time?

Only we can determine that ourselves—there are too many personal motivations, fears, needs that guide our actions and reactions that only we can gauge when it is enough, and whether the person we are sowing into is the right one for us. It may also be that they are not ready for us to sow in their garden, they are not ready to open up and be vulnerable, not just yet, for they are still in the process of facing their self honesty. And it can also be that they are not ready to take the vulnerable risk of sowing into our garden. That is where communicating openly comes in handy and is essential, as well as trusting the process.

When we communicate actively our needs, fears, wishes, desires openly while loving with action throughout this entire process— sowing, investing—we will have the opportunity to grow together and enjoy the bounty of the harvest.

question: what and how do you sow?

13 January 2007

t-h complex...

World is still spinning here!

I have been trying to stay grounded with all of the madness, and if it were not for the loving support of several friends, the feeling, thoughts and self talk would be deafening. Especially when you are not able to connect, secondary to the process that must occur in order for a mutual and loving understanding to evolve. must.trust.the.process.

Difficult indeed when the avenue of communication is temporarily closed. It has to be for now, for sometimes we need that silence to regroup, appreciate and be gracious. And of course it is natural to wonder what the other is thinking, feeling, what is motivating them to make certain choices, yet we are not to know now and when it is time, we shall know. As my coffee buddy offered as a thought, one of the challenging things is to be sure that we are navigating the

…t-h complex: where the truth is told while being honest with one’s self,

with the hopes that both individuals, during the silence, are seeking that balance, so that when they come together with everything on the table, the exchange is genuine, creating a solid foundation upon which each can build.

Truth and honesty are delicate, personal while at the same time chaos and others depend upon it. It is easy to get caught in the illusion, hence silence allows one to embrace the beauty that is occurring and make sense of it. Swallow it whole, relish it and continue building.

It is my coffee buddy that mentioned this to me in an e mail. It takes being honest with yourself— facing your fears, recognizing that you may do things to avoid confronting issues, avoid being loved, whatever it may be. Next step, speak truth to power to the one you love, armed with the honesty of yourself. Scary path, and not everyone wishes to engage in it.

On the flip—what if the person you love is evading the self honesty? Could it be that there is a process in place and all that will take is time, or are they too afraid to be so vulnerable? And what to do when coming together, does the lack of self honesty thwart the truth? If we can see the other’s honesty, do we say something? There are many reasons one cannot be self honest, the largest being the fear of being vulnerable and close to someone it is a frightening journey, what to do…

I am in that spot right now. And all I can do is let that person go through their process, with the hope that self honesty is playing a role. Of course I see things, I still love this person regardless, yet I also know that things cannot move forward, the relationship cannot develop without that honesty—from the both of us. For a relationship to survive the sea—rough, smooth, moonlight filled—both must be committed to working on the self honesty, together.

question: what is your truth, honestly?

11 January 2007

spiritual connectedness...

spiritual connectedness …

It has been a very interesting week, for I am navigating a few things now. I have been put in a holding pattern, and it is ok for now. And I have been doing more soul searching about who I am, what I want out of life, and am thankful that as I was leaving my good frined’s house this morning, I have found my inner peace. I am certain that all the work I have been doing over the past year has resulted in my finding my authentic self, I have rediscovered and recovered me, and that has been in place for a few months now. It is wonderful to affirm that for the past 7 or so months that all my decisions, feelings, thoughts are reflective of me and my desires, not driven by some crazy need to be accepted, loved or validated. Everything for over 7 months has been coming from a healthy place!

Knowing this, the little girl inside too is at peace, and she has been for quite some time. So I know that when I have thoughts, feelings she is not panicking. She is resting quietly. Yet as I went into the kitchen, I started to shake, emotions were intense inside and I know they are not mine. Just to be sure, I checked my blood glucose to rule out a possible low blood sugar. BG’s are perfect. Then I realized that now, more than ever, there is a definite

…spiritual connectedness: with someone, that is in my soul and heart, and I feel that person and what they are going through this very moment

and what I am picking up is intense.

It is wonderful to be so connected to someone, even when the waters are dark, murky and difficult to navigate. One thing I have learned, and at my nail appointment last week it was reaffirmed by Mette, that life is best when there is two. She is so right.

Yet that connectedness can be a scary thing, especially when deep inside both know there is a fit. We wander throughout life searching for ourselves, searching for someone, and only when we find our authentic self are we truly ready for the connectedness that we have longed.

On the flip—once we have that connectedness, why is it that some seemingly run from it? Is it that we feel we do not deserve it? Or is it a case of *careful what you ask for, you just might get it?* Could it be that we all need to go through this process to truly appreciate what we have, so that we can genuinely know what we could have lost?

The answers, interestingly, are in a song that I heard that evening to the soundtrack of *Garden State*…

drink up, baby downmmm, are you in or are you out?leave your things behind'cause it's all going off without you.excuse me, too busy you're writing your tragedythese mishapsyou bubble wrapwhen you've no idea what you're like.so let go, jump inoh well, whatcha waiting for?it's alright,'cause there's beauty in the breakdown.so let go, just get in…oh, it's so amazing here.it's alright,'cause there's beauty in the breakdown.it gains the more it givesand then it rises with the fall.so hand me that remotecan't you see that all that stuff's a sideshow?such boundless pleasure…we've no time for later now.you can't await your own arrivalyou've 20 seconds to comply.so let go, jump inoh well, whatcha waiting for?it's alright,'cause there's beauty in the breakdown.so let go, just get in…oh, it's so amazing here.it's alright'cause there's beauty in the breakdown

My thoughts are, and I agree with the song, that it is a process— to me, the breakdown is that point where we feel our fears and are about to walk away. A hard process, painful indeed, to the point that you can feel one another when you are miles apart—you engage in the spiritual connectedness. And then you know… they are the one—that pain to bring you there is the breakdown. The next step is, go for it. Appreciate what you are losing and go for it. Life without them, in the end, is not worth it, for as Mette stated, life should be navigated by two. Unless, if one cannot, then go back to the flip, find the answer, and step up to the plate.

question: what is your breakdown?

03 January 2007

four seasons...

As I lie awake this evening, a few thoughts have come poetically together about true love, trusting the process and how it evolves throughout the

...four seasons

Summer came with her breeze,
brought my down to my knees.
In the sun’s light of giving trust--
the warmth of life embracing us.

Fall arrived rather fast,
there was no looking back.
Time passes as if it were still,
yet moves forward with a thrill.

Winter shone above the trees.
Nestled tightly in its sleep,
the foundation grows profoundly deep--
an eternal garden soon to reap.

Spring slowly begins to show,
we plant the seeds with love to grow.
And soon in time we harvest our sow,
bearing gifts only our love truly knows.


---------------------------------------



no flip. no question.

02 January 2007

inner voice...

I have been spinning in my head over the past few weeks, getting in touch with things that I have shelved over the years. I am embracing that little person inside of me, telling her that everything is all right and things are moving smoothly, for there are many things that will be demanded of me over the next couple of months that are seemingly setting me in a whirlwind. My thought is that we all need to be in touch with our

…inner voice: the one that tells us to yield, the one that screams by making us dizzy, the inner child that wants to do whatever comes at hand yet needs to be harnessed

so that we as adults make the correct decision.

It is like a battle of the emotional over the logical. When thinking with our heads, that logical part seems to be connected with adulthood. And the times that we lead with our emotions it is embraced as letting the inner, immature child lead the way. How to make the balance still escapes me, for there is a purity and curiousness in the inner child that the world lacks.

On the flip—why not embrace the inner child? Isn’t that innocence the very ingredient that is missing from adulthood, the curiousness necessary to make bigger leaps? Could it be that by denying our inner child makes us complacent, going through our days like robots without feelings and without a sense of adventure?

Letting the emotions take the lead can be dangerous, yet at the same time going on pure logic can deny our spirit. Finding that balance is tricky to do, and even more tricky to have others appreciate as we swing to and fro between the two. Either way, both need to be embraced—it adds spice to life, keeps us on our toes while navigating us on the path that is the best for our lives and certainly interesting.

question: what does your inner voice scream?

01 January 2007

a wish...

Yes, indeed it is a new year!

Last night was rather interesting! Most of the bars here (including Irish Pubs, gasp!) are closed here in Copenhagen on New Year’s Eve. It is too expensive to keep staff on hand for the evening due to the taxes, as well as most do not want to work this particular evening. Needless to say, it was a challenge for me and my troupe to find a spot. We tried in our local neighbourhood, and everything was closed. Headed into CPH and it was tough. We did find a spot at The Dubliner, an Irish Pub in the heart of the pedestrian mall.

Throughout the night I SMS’d a ton of friends here and at home. And there was one in particular who I was texting throughout the evening, ending with a phone call that was enjoyable.

And it was then, as I was speaking with my amazing friend (the only one with whom I spoke, so you know who you are!!) that I realized that I have many wishes for the New Year, yet specifically the closest one to my heart is

…a wish: that we all communicate more this year, that we establish closer bonds than ever before, for at the end of the day all we have is each other to love, nurture and support as life hands us her crazy twists.

Not too much to ask, eh?

I really cannot even begin to tell you how much it means to be connected. Some of us need it more than others on the outside, yet deep within we need to be connected. It is the very essence of human nature. That phone call last night made it explicit, in my face. And then I also realized that when the final hour tolls we really know who are true friends are, the ones who love us regardless and are willing to take us for who were are, the whole package. And that love can be inspired from many sources, and can have many faces—whether plutonic, romantic—you name it.

On the flip—is it easier for friends to do this? Could it be that there is an intimacy, a true and deep intimacy, that has less risk in friendship? Even so, isn’t that the very friendship that lifelong partners are supposed to be based, yet why are we so afraid in engaging this way with the ones we love? It does feel easier, or more safe, with friends… is it really easier to be open and vulnerable in friendship, and if so, why cannot it be carried into other relationships, no matter what the nature?

I am so thankful, appreciative and gratuitous for this person. And you know I usually never speak of anyone specifically in my blog (have done so once… and that person knows too). It is amazing that the simple acts of connectedness fuel the life spirit to go further, seek higher, and wake up the next day ready to kick some ass.

So with that, I am going to the office tomorrow armed with my coffee mug!

question: how do you take your java?