more time...

I am so happy that we get *Grey’s Anatomy* here in DK. I enjoy it very much, and look forward to my quiet Monday evening alone, blogging, writing, thinking, and finishing the evening with a good episode.

Last week delivered, as always, another episode that leaves you thinking. Meredith Grey, the main character, narrates the episode throughout and always ends it with a few thoughts as they pan in on the characters. She spoke of how “all that we ever want is

...more time: time to stand up, time to grow up, time to let go…

time”.

And it struck me, for I still have wonderful days sprinkled with sad moments. I had to pat myself on the back, for I am waking each day regardless of the pain.

For once I did not chase, giving in to the little girl. I stood up as a woman. And in doing so I was able to create the distance needed to grow, and hence the space to let go. Of course in letting go I am wrought with sadness, joy, anger and hopefulness. As time passes the healing slowly takes place and letting go, for now, as a process shall open my eyes.

On the flip—what if there was more time to fight? More time to develop with another?

As I was looking over my shoulder so briefly last weekend, while riding the train and tram as the sun sparkled with renewed hope, I wished inside that I had more time. More time to love, more time to grow, more time to give… I sat at a kitchen table fervently writing away, trying to encapsulate in the few minutes left all I had to give. Attempting to pack in everything that is me, in a handful of moments and words, and of course that is impossible to do. I miss my soulmate so…

To only have more time… to..

dance salsa together to Spanish Harlem. Go out as one. Love one another. Celebrate. Shop. Cook. Watch movies. Continue our kissing at every turn. Ride the tram. Fly to one another. Live. Breathe. Love. Enjoy. Cultivate. Bond. Grow. Accept one another. Become one. Listen to Tina Dico. Oh I wish we had more time…

Then I gave in, or rather surrendered and accepted that no matter what there is never enough time, and if the other is not willing to fight as well, slamming everything into a short period is nearly futile. The gift of us cannot be appreciated in a snippet.

That is why I give, we never have enough time. Even more of a reason to live life to the fullest, loving ourselves and those around us, never fearing who we are, what we have to give to this world and choosing to stop running.

Even though at times it hurts, that recoil from love lost after giving, I have to remember Addie’s comment that it is worthwhile to do so, for that is the essence of living. And to remember that when together with our soulmate, we should treat time so preciously, giving our all, and if our soulmate chooses otherwise it is time to let go. For now.

question: when is your finest hour?

perfect moment...

I need to make a better habit of visiting addie’s blog, www.placesiveneverbeen.com, more often. She is an amazing girl, one who is willing to take the risk of loving unconditionally with faith coupled in the hope of earning her heart’s wings.

So this morning while working at home, I dropped in to see what addie has been up to and read more of her personal writing. On the front page of her blog is a picture of a girl holding a fortune cookie paper that says “if you wait too long for the

…perfect moment: the perfect moment will pass you by.”

Sheesh. So true.

There is so much going on in this world, inside us and around us it seems almost impossible to identify the perfect moment. So much noise. The perfect moment is a brief second in a larger continuum of time, that uncertain period of what constitutes the *long goodbye*.

How do we decide when is the perfect moment? Do we go with the

(heart): go with what you feel

-or-

(logic): never let the emotions lead the way (Dad’ism)

-or-

(balance the feelings with logic???)

-pause here-

(kisses to addie): logic is the opiate of those who are afraid of their feelings.

On the flip—should we wait for the *oerlikon moment* instead-- when things come full circle, then decide? Wait, that is logic at the wheel, where is the heart in this? Or maybe the perfect moment was wrapped inside the oerlikon moment and hence has passed us by?

feel.love.wait.hope.think.breathe. (not necessarily in that order nor those ingredients)

I wish I knew the magic behind knowing when is the perfect moment… I guess the trick is to live life everyday with heart, soul and mind, loving others and sharing our gift. trust.the.process

question: what is your opiate?

the fight...

I was working the other day in the R&D department, mapping out flowcharts for a project and my head was hurting. Trying to put logic into the disease of diabetes is insane—always a battle of which came first, the chicken or the egg. A colleague saw that I wrote frowny face above it all—my way of putting a label on how I was feeling, for this project is demanding and I am trying to give it everything while my emotional fuel tank is low.

And that got me thinking, about the conversation that Addie and I had on an earlier conversation here about putting up

…the fight: of your life for the one you love,

the energy it requires and whether or not if it is even right to fight.

I have been torn with that, looking back over my shoulder. Should I have fought harder? Was my not fighting the equivalent of abandonment?

What I would have been fighting for is someone who needed time to heal, and doing that work needs to be initiated on their own—both in their choosing and in their time. I wanted to fight for us, so hard. I am still torn…

On the flip—what if we win the fight, and get the prize, someone who is not ready? What if we succeed in keeping them from running?

It can be selfish when we fight to keep our loved one from running, for it could perceivably be giving in to the little person inside us that needs acceptance, love and acknowledgement at all costs, even from someone who does love us but does not want us right now, or cannot have us right now. And it is not letting our soulmate grow the way they should—alone for a bit so that they are ready for us. Even if they are running—from themselves, from the love we have to give. They need to grow first alone, then return when ready.

We deserve nothing less, especially when we have learned to love ourselves and know that we deserve love, from someone who is healthy in the sense that they recognize why they wanted to run, did what they did, and are willing to be vulnerable with us every step of the way while engaging in their self honesty. We are never cured, we are never perfect, only healthy when we face our inner music, after all. And it is so beautiful when both are doing the work while acceptingly loving each other, making life journeyed by two so rewarding—worthy of fighting for.

And after reading this several times, it has occurred to me that both need to fight for it, the love they share and the relationship, together. One cannot fight for it alone, and if only one is willing to put up the fight, well… it is not a good thing. Then again, the one who runs may be putting up the fight in their own way—to become whole again so that the journey of two is built upon a more solid foundation. Yet it can also be more admirable when the one who recognizes they are running stops in their tracks and says *I will run no longer, I will face this and my fears*. Many ways of looking at it… either way, trust the process, things happen for a reason and what is meant to be is meant to be (MUCH easier said than done).

As for the frowny face, my colleague erased the frown and in its place drew a smile. That is a positive thing, one I wrote down in my *5 positive things that happened today* list. Thank you, so much… you have no idea what that means to me, and it is such a gift.

question: when do you go into battle?

gratuity list...

As I was preparing dinner this evening, it occurred to me that today is a special day. Or would have been, depends on how it is viewed. Cooking gives me solace and a chance to process, and I realized that I need to take inventory of my

…gratuity list: things, experiences and people that I am most thankful for

especially over these past few weeks.

My thankfulness is bottomless, I do not even know how to express my gratuity other than live my life to the fullest and continue evolving. And the list, albeit exhaustive, may not be complete, yet this is what I have come to…

mother nature: for openly acknowledging my need to heal by starting to snow Monday morning as I headed to work.

peder: for being a wonderful, amazing being and friend by listening to me, being supportive, making time for our chats and offering an evening of pasta and time with his wife and baby girl. Also for our online and offline chats about life, our hopes, and that there is nothing more important than surrounding ourselves with loving people. You are the best!!!

water pipes bursting: for teaching me early this morning that we should never take anything for granted, including brushing our teeth and a warm shower.

lene: for checking up on me when the *news* hit, regularly, and enlightening me that the brain is wired for negative things, so to combat it we should write down 5 positive things that happened to us everyday. Also for reminding me that I think too much, and to combat it, the best thing to do is sing (my fave every time I drive)—you cannot think while singing!!

my *loss*: for showing me that miracles can happen, and it doing so it opens our eyes to those around us and offers salient lessons in life and about those who we love, demonstrating the character of others and highlights the ones who really care. And reaffirming who I am and the light that I have.

heidi: for the big hugs and words of encouragement, and of course for all of the clinical e mails that are forwarded to me (keeps me busy and mind sharp!). And for reminding me that I have a big heart that is worthy.

diabetes: for teaching me how to love myself, forgive myself and keeping my health on track. For giving me low blood sugars at times to remind me that the better days are so beautiful. You are my homie!

my *boyfriend*: for sweetly reminding me that I keep forgetting to bring candy to the office!

heartache: for gently reminding me that I am still human and am capable of feeling and loving.

mille: for the warm bath, wine and girly time. And for listening to my tears, holding me accountable for my thoughts and keeping the little girl inside on track.

bad drivers: for teaching me patience, the art of excellent and creative cursing, and reminding me that I am an excellent driver indeed!

jesper: for reminding me to breathe… through the nose! And thanks for the cough and sniffles! Also for reminding me that if things were so easy, anyone could do them, and we should appreciate our gifts.

late trains: that there is a reason for not making it on time, and to trust the process. Also for teaching me to be patient and enjoy waiting with others.

victoria: for keeping me out and about, and not to let sadness dim my fire by encouraging me to continue with the salsa lessons! And for the sage advice, the funny interpretation of what has happened that keeps me laughing.

cold weather: for reminding me to be thankful for a warm home, coat and that water does turn into ice, therefore I should be thankful that I have a pretty good sense of balance and fall gracefully!

my ex: for teaching me the power of forgiveness, being supportive and making me laugh my way through all of this.

dirt tracked into the house: for reminding me that we are not perfect, there is always some spiritual cleaning that we must do, and as soon as we have mastered one aspect, there is another opportunity for us to learn and *clean house* again (and, well, that maybe I do need a new outdoor carpet…)

my cat: for being the most consistent man in my adult life!!

Henrik T.: for putting a smiley face over that frowny one I had drawn when I was working on the white board, trying to put logic into diabetes management (tough!)

brat-mobile: for being an excellent concert hall, faithful companion as we speed with the windows down and no heat (the car does have heat, I run rather warm, and yes I do this even in the winter time!), on the way to work, allowing me to escape my thoughts and feel free.

my dad: for loving me and accepting me for who I am, and keeping me on track. Also for the great sayings I have accumulated over the years and the wisdom they have given me through the gift of you.

projects at work: for allowing me a way to express some of my gifts, the ability to engage with others and learn how appreciate said gifts. Even if projects are frustrating at times!!!

jamie: for doing what we do best—calling each other on *our shit* and holding each other accountable the only way a loving friendship knows how. My best friend and awesome girl from back home.

innocuous yellow thai peppers: for reminding me to never judge a book by its cover nor take anything for granted, especially when we rub our eyes! (those things are more hot than the red ones… who knew!!)

my *mom*: for our Sunday afternoon chats, shared by a glass of white wine, even though we are toasting one another from 5000 miles apart, for listening to me and helping me along my path.

this blog: for giving me a place to explore my feelings, for the amazing people who contribute their experiences and insight in the comments section, the conversations that we share so that we all continue to evolve as beautiful people.

That is what I have, for now. My list, as I look back is not complete, and I will work on it everyday by adding the 5 positive things, as well as other things for which I am gracious. And with that, I am gracious for this very day and its significance.

On the flip—what if we are not able to be gracious? what if we are not able to find the beauty in things?

I have had one heck of a few weeks—the inner child is calm, and the adult is hurt, angry and disappointed. Yet I pull back and look around me… I say, should we get stuck in the rut where it seems there is no sunlight, take a step back and breathe. There is beauty in everything that occurs and is present. And trust the process, for having the darker days allows us to better appreciate the ones and experiences that surround us, including our very self—after all, when all we have are lemons, time to make lemonade!

question: for what are you thankful?

blowing steam...

As adults we of course get angry, and to me at times the source is anger towards those who hurt us as we grew up by training us to see love as fearful, full of rejection and abandonment. And there are many ways to manage anger—writing, processing, venting. It is unhealthy when we vent our anger through the actions we take with the one who loves us now, particularly with our soulmate—whether passive aggressively through not being responsive, entering destructive behaviour in the relationship by letting our soulmate down, ignoring them—especially if we have not identified its source, the source being the little person inside who has yet to trust our grown up self. And it is even more dangerous when our soulmate does not understand, and we are not willing to work through it. Heck, anger is healthy, the trick is to process and feel it in a healthy way.

It is also important to understand our anger, meaning that when we start to let it out—however we do so-- we recognize the motivating factors. The other night I was

…blowing steam: venting about something so simple and innocent to process hurt and anger

and I know why. The subject matter was innocuous—work. And I admitted that I was layering and projecting—I was hurt and angry for many reasons and it had nothing to do with work, and I was still processing the source of my hurt and anger, trying to understand it. I got it out of my system without torturing my soulmate, without acting out towards my soulmate. And I had yet to be able to formulate why I was hurt and feeling angry, so process away on something innocent and frustrating as work.

Plus, I was hurt and am still hurting from the *long goodbye*, that uncertain amount of time, and what I am going through is a tough process. I am still evaluating what has transpired…

On the flip: what if we do not allow ourselves to get angry? What if we bottle it up and do not process it?

Carrying anger is lethal. It can allow us to be triggered into a rage, and words can be dangerous when they are thrown out at random, especially at the ones who love us unconditionally—faults, blemishes, joy and sparkle. And it can hold us back in our development, for it can impede self honesty, self understanding, and allow us to treat those who unconditionally love us poorly without understanding why we do what we do.

Abagail van Buren captures the essence of depression (yes, I know... go ahead and say it, I DO read Dear Abby!)-- depression is the direct result of anger turned inward. Anger at ourselves, the anger that we carry towards those that loved us the only way they knew how yet unfortunately with pain-- and we carry it inside, never expressing it nor processing it. Instead, we act out in pain, lashing at those who truly love us and run from them, while continually putting ourselves in harm's path trying to rid the pain we endure. A cycle that must be broken in order to love ourselves, allow ourselves to love while able to accept love-- true, unadulterated, unconditional love that accepts our whole being, faults and everything.

So go ahead. Get mad. Get pissed. Then get on the road to happiness and fulfillment! Let the inner child speak to those who rejected and abandoned us, then embrace the inner child, forgive yourself and the inner child, forgive those who hurt us along our path and learn to love yourself. Let the anger set in motion a new direction, choose healthy ways to get it out—write, talk to a trusted friend or even psychotherapist, create, cook, whatever—and then let it go.

question: how do you blow steam?

...so close

Still in my process, looking back at what has transpired over the past five days and learning how to get a grip while keeping the beauty of life on fire.

Love is an amazing experience. It offers insight and opportunities for growth for both involved, only if each take the offering. And the signal is strong, it is when you get the feeling of fright and flight, and at that point you must make a choice, especially when you get

…so close: you get confused.

When this hits, it is time to take a step back and listen to your inner voice. The confusion is the signal—it is the little girl or boy inside that is screaming “I do not know how to love, I do not know how to accept love and I am so scared…”

This comes from our upbringing, ingrained from others who were supposed to love us unconditionally but did not know how. It is the parent who can only show how they care by the disdain of your experiences growing up, the only way they know how to say “I love you and I care.” We are all functionally dysfunctional, and when we realize this, we have to make the choice to listen and heal, or run.

Remember when you were little? What were the words of comfort? When you got hurt, was it a “come here my dear, let’s mend this together”, or “you should have known better to ____”? If we are trained over the years with the latter, we associate being loved with pain, rejection and a lack of acknowledgement. So of course as we get older we chase that love and acceptance by running—whether it be from relationship to relationship, feeling needed to the point that we jump into anything or move constantly. And we wake up one day and see that we cannot alleviate that pain, the constant desire to be loved and accepted when we look into the eyes of someone we love and realize that we cannot give, that we see their sparkle and know we do not know how to accept it. Time to make a choice. Stay –or-run-or-walk away a bit to heal and return.

The best course is to step back, take advantage of hearing our little one inside screaming, embrace him or her, love them, acknowledge them, build trust and ask for forgiveness. When these steps are taken we over time are ready to return to the one who loves us truly, deeply, unconditionally, so that we can continue our loving journey as destined—by two.

On the flip—what if the person we love hits this stage and they must walk away and heal? What do we do in the interim? What if they do not choose to heal, or are too afraid to take the journey of healing?

Love them as you let go. If it is meant to be, they will return. The love you have to give will be better appreciated and reciprocated when they return. It will be for all better. And in the meantime, trust the process. It is happening for a reason, and we have the chance to grow too while the uncertain long goodbye is in motion.

question: what is your confusion?

long goodbye...

These past few days have been very intense emotionally. I do not even know where to start, and that indicates to me that I need more time to process. And to trust the process.

Our conversations of late have been around sowing and harvesting seeds of love, how long to wait and when to let go. I am learning that sometimes we have to let go at first only to come back again. Or at least have that hope, for it helps when working through the issues. Yet there comes a time when we must engage in that uncertain

…long goodbye: where we must let go of someone we love dearly for their benefit, for an uncertain amount of time, so that they one day may return whole again to continue what Mette said is important—life being journeyed by two.

Tina Dico captures it perfectly in her song titled “Long Goodbye” on her album *In The Red*. And there is a line that captures the essence of the journey that needs to be taken:

”I will do it on my own if I have to, I will go there all alone just to get to you.”

I really urge anyone and everyone to get a copy of her CD. Amazing work indeed.

We are not perfect. We will never be perfect. Ever. As for being healthy, we are never cured. What makes us healthy is that we acknowledge our issues, fears, the little person inside and continually seek an understanding of who we are through self honesty. And that we are not afraid to engage in that personal journey each and every day. When we are at that stage, we are ready to take on life as two. Scary? Yes. Necessary? Yes, especially when we want to spend life as two—meaning finding our soulmate and nurturing our relationship with them eternally.

We can find our soulmate and not be ready, therefore taking a long goodbye is essential in order to return. Both will be fulfilled, able to appreciate the gifts that each brings into the relationship, therefore better prepared to continually sow and harvest from one another over a lifetime.

On the flip—what do we do, those of us who are already engaged in that journey, when our soulmate takes a long goodbye? Since the time is uncertain, do we wait? Move on?

Long goodbyes are good for both, for each can learn from the experience and walk away still loving one another. That in itself is setting the strong foundation for that day, should it arrive, that each can come together again whole. As for the time that passes, that uncertain amount of time, we need to embrace life, pull within ourselves to nurture and heal and grab life by its ass. And when we least expect it, the long goodbye just may end with your soulmate at the door, after going “all alone just to get to you.” What to do when that happens? Well, that is another conversation…
question: when do you say hello?