retooling reactions...

the past couple of weeks for me soulfully have been rather deep with introspection, and my body is reacting in a way that I am not familiar with. I am learning a lot about myself. Let me give you some insight as to why I am

…retooling reactions: where I am even more so evaluating and adjusting how I embrace things, based on self talk balanced with loving gratuity

particularly in one special situation.

As you know, I have stopped smoking. Wow, what a trip that has been!! My body has been numb, I have felt dizzy, lips are stinging. At the same time, I also stopped my graduate education by turning in my thesis. While I wrote my thesis, I sat in front of my sunlamp (Florida girl in one of the darkest spots on earth—trouble!!). So all at once my body was thrown into a tailspin of changes. Then I realized, that for the first time in my life, I can actually feel more profoundly my feelings and body’s instinctive reaction to things, that I started getting a wee confused. Maybe over analytical at one point to compensate for feeling “out of control”.

Then it occurred to me, that the smoking (which has a neurological effect and can block pain) was numbing me. I am more aware of everything, both consciously and subconsciously, for my body is reacting. It is weird, and is taking some getting adjusted to. And I am learning to feel, let it go, and try not to control it. Big lesson for me, who is a planner!! Yet it is important that I do so, for I am at a point in my life where trusting the process is reaping beautiful rewards, and I should allow my new founded, smoke free self reap its rewards.

By listening and engaging in self talk as I feel new things, and retooling the way I react—with a “enjoy the ride and let go, will ya!” attitude and approach, I am discovering a part of me that that is excited to grow and learn.

On the flip—what about the others who continue to medicate themselves—why are they afraid of their authentic self? Or is it that they do not realize that they are medicating themselves in the first place? Some may not even realize that the bad habit that they picked up—whether it be smoking, drinking too much, or some other overly indulged behavior that has negative consequences—is masking a pain they are not willing to bear.

So it is possible that with the above flip, we have the “mask” effect that we conversed about earlier where there is a little soul death. I know the very day I started smoking:

04 February 1990, Greensboro NC, at the Amoco gas station on the corner of Friendly Avenue and Green Valley Road. I was gassing up and heading out to Raleigh, about 11:15am, in deep pain. I had just got the call that my grandmother had died, and my world feel apart instantly. In my young, tender adult’s eyes reflecting upon childhood, she was all that I had. And then she was gone… before goodbye’s, last words, you name it.

question: what is your medication?