We discussed being an independent woman, and how emotional intimacy is an essential building block for a relationship (for both men and women). I e mailed the link to my last blog entry to my girl Miss R down south, and her comments are so spot on!
She discussed how men do not want a woman who is
…“so needy”: that they cling onto their partner for validation and reassurance.
Then I was thinking—men are not able to differentiate between “needy” and what we women perceive as an “independent woman”… their codeword *independent woman” to them is *needy* perhaps!
When one is *needy*, a certain amount of self esteem is missing. It is like they (whether male or female, there are needy men out there too!) rely upon the other for their source of happiness, validation, acceptance and love.
To me there is a HUGE difference between the two! Emotional intimacy, where we put the masks down and allow ourselves to be emotionally naked, vulnerable and intimate with another, is NOT being needy. In fact, emotional intimacy is about giving, giving ourselves to another in an unadulterated way without expectations. We are our own source of happiness, validation, acceptance and love, and therefore are able to give freely to another. An *independent woman* (defined by women) is one who seeks to engage in emotional intimacy without clinging to the other for validation and happiness.
Of course at times we all need validation and inspiration from our partners, yet not in the sense where we need it to the point of defining ourselves as a woman (or as a person). (does that make sense?)
Being needy is taking and never giving. Needy implies and requires sucking the life out of another in order to survive. It should not be confused with emotional intimacy, and *needy* may very well be what men see as a woman who is not *independent*. It may be that men do not understand emotional intimacy, and when they are confronted with it they mistake it for neediness.
On the flip—how do we get past the confusion between emotional intimacy and neediness? And when do we know when it is safe to reveal ourselves, remove the mask, and begin the path of emotional intimacy in a relationship?
The previous question is a matter of timing, a matter of two individuals and where they are on the continuum in their relationship. And to not let the little person at the wheel when making decisions, especially in the *in love* stage… as my Dad says “you fall in love with the personality but marry the character”. Getting to know the values and character first may allow us to see if the fit deems emotional intimacy. And we must remember that we are not required to engage in emotional intimacy with everyone and anyone.
My thoughts, when we are pushing things, trying to make things happen, as opposed to trusting the process, we are possibly setting ourselves up for creating the neediness. The risk for co-dependency is high when both enter in neediness—resulting in an unhealthy relationship where each tear apart at one another, chipping away to the point where they wake up one day looking at a stranger.
After all, trying to make things happen when they are not naturally developing is an indication in of itself of neediness, and that person may not be the ideal one for us. The process is in place for a reason, trust it!
As for nudging things along, well, that is something different…
question: when do you reveal?
22 March 2007
19 March 2007
independent woman...
A few weeks ago, while I was sitting at a bar sharing a beer with several male colleagues at Manchester Airport, the subject of relationships came up (funny how the conversation seems to steer this way eventually). I was reflecting on that conversation, as well as where I have heard the same request of other men in passing over the years, and even more recently in a relationship where it was professed that it is one of the many qualities I possess that are likeable (this was before getting to the emotional intimacy). Then it hit me, that the *codeword* of men, when they say that they want an
…independent woman: they mean someone who is not emotionally available, that feelings are a scary thing and would not want to be bothered.
Kind of akin to *I just want someone who is like one of the guys.* (Got to give props to Dad on that one, great description, Dad!)
When we women here those words, the knee jerk response is “I *AM independent, I have my own career, own money, can take care of myself, thankyouverymuch”. Yet this is what a man does not mean when he says *independent*. It is possibly their way of saying that emotional intimacy is something that scares them, that getting to truly know someone is frightening, and letting a woman know who they truly are is a ticket to perceived rejection that would be painful.
The roles/expectations/needs of men and women in relationships have changed drastically over the past few generations. The days where a woman needs a man to provide a home, financial security and food on the table are long gone (well, not for everyone and not in all cultures, and for the sake of this discussion, heterosexual relationships are being explored). We are at the stage in relationships now where we women want emotional security, we want to open up and feel safe with our partner. And for a relationship to be open, loving, safe and authentic, emotional intimacy is one of the building blocks—for both involved.
Men are programmed to *fix* things, and when they cannot, they feel helpless. That is probably why some dislike watching us as we are in labor. They cannot help. They cannot fix. And it could be possible that the very feeling of helplessness consumes them when it comes to emotional intimacy. I mean, their father or their grandfathers did not have to do this, so where is the role model and why is it necessary, anyway?
They say money cannot buy happiness. That things and objects cannot replace love. As women have evened the score by providing for themselves, it has opened up the realization that regardless of how well we provide for ourselves, whether male or female, it cannot substitute for emotional intimacy in a relationship.
On the flip—what if true emotional intimacy is not achieved in a relationship? Or what happens when we perceive that we are there, only to see that our partner cannot take the next step(s)?
I have learned this the hard way: when we are afraid of emotional intimacy, we let the little one at the wheel, seduced by what is perceived as *adult logic* and start running. Creating chaos in our relationships. Holding others responsible for how we feel and what actions result from those feelings. Allowing ourselves to be held responsible for what others feel. Always feeling like we need to be rescue and try to rescue others. Running from relationships. Overachieving. Having to cough up exhaustive lists as to why we are late, did not get something done on time. The inability to truly commit. Making others responsible for our happiness. Acting out in pain and being destructive. Consumed by fear, fear of rejection, fear of abandonment. The list can go on and on…
Where all along, it is the little one inside that is seeking the approval, validation and love to fill a void from long ago. After all, we are predisposed through something in our childhood that may link love with pain. It makes us more predisposed to be involved in a relationship where both partners are co-dependent… unhealthy.
It has been a painful journey, nurturing my little person inside, yet only at times for I manage to break through the painful parts of the journey. I have come to understand WHY I chose to do things, and embrace the feelings underneath the surface that drove me in the past. Do I falter at times? YES. I am perfect? NO. Will I ever be perfect? NO. (no one can, period). Am I healthy? YES. Am I still in my process? YES. Does it hurt sometimes? YES. Is it worth it? YES!
We are never cured, we only manage, and when we choose to manage the child in us, it is healthy. Meaning, that we will have these feelings from the little one inside surface over the years, they may never go away. The difference lies in how we ACT on those feelings, or most importantly, choosing NOT to act. And of course that comes to the perception of self worth, the foundation of it.
We are all worthy of love.
We are worthy of being loved.
We are worthy to love another.
We are beautiful creatures inside.
We are scared. Frightened. Nervous.
We are human.
Things never stay the same, life is one long process. We tend to think the world may end if we reveal ourselves to someone, if we take the risks in life, if we face our inner music and the child within. Once we let go of control, surrender to the process, our lives will seem more relaxed, the stress is lower… we can breathe.
(what a diatribe!)
So, I am NOT independent, not by the *codeword* meaning. I am a human, a woman, who seeks to intimately know her emotions and feelings each day and is willing, wanting, and needing the same from a man. Honesty and truth comes from that. A bond that can flex with changing times and situations, over the years, comes from that. Many beautiful things come from that, even if the process to get there at times is difficult, for staying and sticking it our with another in true emotional intimacy is the greatest adventure of all.
question: what is your codeword?
…independent woman: they mean someone who is not emotionally available, that feelings are a scary thing and would not want to be bothered.
Kind of akin to *I just want someone who is like one of the guys.* (Got to give props to Dad on that one, great description, Dad!)
When we women here those words, the knee jerk response is “I *AM independent, I have my own career, own money, can take care of myself, thankyouverymuch”. Yet this is what a man does not mean when he says *independent*. It is possibly their way of saying that emotional intimacy is something that scares them, that getting to truly know someone is frightening, and letting a woman know who they truly are is a ticket to perceived rejection that would be painful.
The roles/expectations/needs of men and women in relationships have changed drastically over the past few generations. The days where a woman needs a man to provide a home, financial security and food on the table are long gone (well, not for everyone and not in all cultures, and for the sake of this discussion, heterosexual relationships are being explored). We are at the stage in relationships now where we women want emotional security, we want to open up and feel safe with our partner. And for a relationship to be open, loving, safe and authentic, emotional intimacy is one of the building blocks—for both involved.
Men are programmed to *fix* things, and when they cannot, they feel helpless. That is probably why some dislike watching us as we are in labor. They cannot help. They cannot fix. And it could be possible that the very feeling of helplessness consumes them when it comes to emotional intimacy. I mean, their father or their grandfathers did not have to do this, so where is the role model and why is it necessary, anyway?
They say money cannot buy happiness. That things and objects cannot replace love. As women have evened the score by providing for themselves, it has opened up the realization that regardless of how well we provide for ourselves, whether male or female, it cannot substitute for emotional intimacy in a relationship.
On the flip—what if true emotional intimacy is not achieved in a relationship? Or what happens when we perceive that we are there, only to see that our partner cannot take the next step(s)?
I have learned this the hard way: when we are afraid of emotional intimacy, we let the little one at the wheel, seduced by what is perceived as *adult logic* and start running. Creating chaos in our relationships. Holding others responsible for how we feel and what actions result from those feelings. Allowing ourselves to be held responsible for what others feel. Always feeling like we need to be rescue and try to rescue others. Running from relationships. Overachieving. Having to cough up exhaustive lists as to why we are late, did not get something done on time. The inability to truly commit. Making others responsible for our happiness. Acting out in pain and being destructive. Consumed by fear, fear of rejection, fear of abandonment. The list can go on and on…
Where all along, it is the little one inside that is seeking the approval, validation and love to fill a void from long ago. After all, we are predisposed through something in our childhood that may link love with pain. It makes us more predisposed to be involved in a relationship where both partners are co-dependent… unhealthy.
It has been a painful journey, nurturing my little person inside, yet only at times for I manage to break through the painful parts of the journey. I have come to understand WHY I chose to do things, and embrace the feelings underneath the surface that drove me in the past. Do I falter at times? YES. I am perfect? NO. Will I ever be perfect? NO. (no one can, period). Am I healthy? YES. Am I still in my process? YES. Does it hurt sometimes? YES. Is it worth it? YES!
We are never cured, we only manage, and when we choose to manage the child in us, it is healthy. Meaning, that we will have these feelings from the little one inside surface over the years, they may never go away. The difference lies in how we ACT on those feelings, or most importantly, choosing NOT to act. And of course that comes to the perception of self worth, the foundation of it.
We are all worthy of love.
We are worthy of being loved.
We are worthy to love another.
We are beautiful creatures inside.
We are scared. Frightened. Nervous.
We are human.
Things never stay the same, life is one long process. We tend to think the world may end if we reveal ourselves to someone, if we take the risks in life, if we face our inner music and the child within. Once we let go of control, surrender to the process, our lives will seem more relaxed, the stress is lower… we can breathe.
(what a diatribe!)
So, I am NOT independent, not by the *codeword* meaning. I am a human, a woman, who seeks to intimately know her emotions and feelings each day and is willing, wanting, and needing the same from a man. Honesty and truth comes from that. A bond that can flex with changing times and situations, over the years, comes from that. Many beautiful things come from that, even if the process to get there at times is difficult, for staying and sticking it our with another in true emotional intimacy is the greatest adventure of all.
question: what is your codeword?
16 March 2007
my nakedness...
Continuing from the book that I have read while en route to the States…
As mentioned in my last blog entry, had I read this book when received, it may not have had the impact that it has now. I see it closing the loop on all of the development I have encountered over the past year, similar to an affirmation of who I am and where I am now in my life journey of self understanding, honesty and acceptance. “if I expose
…my nakedness: as a person to you, do not make me feel shame.”
The crux of humanity’s hindrance is shame. Were it not for shame, we could possibly be more open to loving ourselves and others, accepting ourselves and others without fear and the need to be emotionally unavailable (or asking for help!). To get there, shame needs to take a back seat and managed inside before stepping outside and embracing others—without making them feel shame or judgment. It may loop back to not feeling responsible for how others feel as well as not holding others responsible for our feelings. That takes courage and a good dose of self love and worth.
On the flip—what if self worth, acceptance and love is not instilled in us as we grow up? How does one turn the corner in this?
Wanting to turn the corner—to stop the running and self loathing that results in a vicious cycle of depression that can be more intense at times—by ridding the opiate of logic is something that should be chosen. We cannot force anyone to do it. And we are ready when we chose to do so.
Getting there is scary, yet just like a bee sting the pain is temporary… we survive the first bout. Of course at times it is not easy, yet as we grow stronger inside it becomes more manageable and encouraging. The bumps (from my experience) is when we start evolving as beautiful people, those who are around us are not ready for it and may try to hurt us.
It is a scary litmus test because those around us who are not on the same journey may not understand and hence may want to abandon or inflict pain. Even family. It is like they do not want us to change for they feel like we are leaving them behind, so they fight to cling on to the *old* us—the one that participated in linking love with pain, allowing ourselves to be controlled by their emotions and held responsible for said emotions, never living our life, running from our life for we are too busy getting consumed by the negative energy—very akin to withdrawal symptoms. Their drug of *old* us is no longer available.
I have lost friends in this process. I have cut out family in this process. I have learned that I am amazing, kind, loving and worthy. To have the toxic effects of those who want to hold me back, those who do not want to truly understand and love me for who I am… those who try to poison with shame and hold me responsible for how they feel and what they choose to do… will only steer me from my life. My compassion wants them to come around the bend, enjoy and share in who I am, who they can be, yet if they choose not to do so, I do not want to become a part of the carnage.
question: what is your nakedness?
As mentioned in my last blog entry, had I read this book when received, it may not have had the impact that it has now. I see it closing the loop on all of the development I have encountered over the past year, similar to an affirmation of who I am and where I am now in my life journey of self understanding, honesty and acceptance. “if I expose
…my nakedness: as a person to you, do not make me feel shame.”
The crux of humanity’s hindrance is shame. Were it not for shame, we could possibly be more open to loving ourselves and others, accepting ourselves and others without fear and the need to be emotionally unavailable (or asking for help!). To get there, shame needs to take a back seat and managed inside before stepping outside and embracing others—without making them feel shame or judgment. It may loop back to not feeling responsible for how others feel as well as not holding others responsible for our feelings. That takes courage and a good dose of self love and worth.
On the flip—what if self worth, acceptance and love is not instilled in us as we grow up? How does one turn the corner in this?
Wanting to turn the corner—to stop the running and self loathing that results in a vicious cycle of depression that can be more intense at times—by ridding the opiate of logic is something that should be chosen. We cannot force anyone to do it. And we are ready when we chose to do so.
Getting there is scary, yet just like a bee sting the pain is temporary… we survive the first bout. Of course at times it is not easy, yet as we grow stronger inside it becomes more manageable and encouraging. The bumps (from my experience) is when we start evolving as beautiful people, those who are around us are not ready for it and may try to hurt us.
It is a scary litmus test because those around us who are not on the same journey may not understand and hence may want to abandon or inflict pain. Even family. It is like they do not want us to change for they feel like we are leaving them behind, so they fight to cling on to the *old* us—the one that participated in linking love with pain, allowing ourselves to be controlled by their emotions and held responsible for said emotions, never living our life, running from our life for we are too busy getting consumed by the negative energy—very akin to withdrawal symptoms. Their drug of *old* us is no longer available.
I have lost friends in this process. I have cut out family in this process. I have learned that I am amazing, kind, loving and worthy. To have the toxic effects of those who want to hold me back, those who do not want to truly understand and love me for who I am… those who try to poison with shame and hold me responsible for how they feel and what they choose to do… will only steer me from my life. My compassion wants them to come around the bend, enjoy and share in who I am, who they can be, yet if they choose not to do so, I do not want to become a part of the carnage.
question: what is your nakedness?
15 March 2007
so scared...
Lovely flight to the US! I enjoy these long hauls, for you are trapped into doing what you please for 10 hours—forced down time. Albeit I did some work for there are deadlines waiting for me when I return…
I was able to do more journaling via hand, as well as reading. I zipped through a book that my Dad gave me a few years ago, (Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am?) and to be honest if I read it then it would not have had the reaffirming impact it had yesterday. Funny how we embrace things at the right time!
The book is about being in touch with your feelings, how to navigate the adult-child-parent trifecta we have emotionally and how we act. And how some are
…so scared: for "I am afraid to tell you who I am, because if I tell you who I am, you may not like who I am, and it is all that I have."
I have battled this and I hope that I am becoming better at it. To be so vulnerable with someone takes a lot of trust and love, unconditional love. Even more so, it takes a strong sense of self and self esteem to do this, realizing that only we own our emotions and cannot be held responsible for other’s emotions (and we cannot hold others responsible for how we feel). And, that we do not judge others and the actions they take, even if it is from a place of pain and fear. Compassionate understanding of another, unconditional love, is scary, for it requires us to be naked, totally naked.
On the flip—how does one start in sharing “who I am”? Is the pay off worth being emotionally naked with another? And what if they cannot reciprocate? Then what?
Well, I think looking at it as a pay off depends on what meaning we assign to the words “pay off”: if it means we grow as an individual, empowering the other to grow and embrace who they are, then yes, absolutely! Even if things do not come to fruition, even if the other cannot do it and things must cease for a while, to love unconditionally and accepting another is powerful and the essence of humanity. If reciprocity is not there, it is only because one is not ready and it is not a reflection of who we are… trust the process, the beauty will unfold when it is time.
question: what is your fear?
I was able to do more journaling via hand, as well as reading. I zipped through a book that my Dad gave me a few years ago, (Why Am I Afraid to Tell You Who I Am?) and to be honest if I read it then it would not have had the reaffirming impact it had yesterday. Funny how we embrace things at the right time!
The book is about being in touch with your feelings, how to navigate the adult-child-parent trifecta we have emotionally and how we act. And how some are
…so scared: for "I am afraid to tell you who I am, because if I tell you who I am, you may not like who I am, and it is all that I have."
I have battled this and I hope that I am becoming better at it. To be so vulnerable with someone takes a lot of trust and love, unconditional love. Even more so, it takes a strong sense of self and self esteem to do this, realizing that only we own our emotions and cannot be held responsible for other’s emotions (and we cannot hold others responsible for how we feel). And, that we do not judge others and the actions they take, even if it is from a place of pain and fear. Compassionate understanding of another, unconditional love, is scary, for it requires us to be naked, totally naked.
On the flip—how does one start in sharing “who I am”? Is the pay off worth being emotionally naked with another? And what if they cannot reciprocate? Then what?
Well, I think looking at it as a pay off depends on what meaning we assign to the words “pay off”: if it means we grow as an individual, empowering the other to grow and embrace who they are, then yes, absolutely! Even if things do not come to fruition, even if the other cannot do it and things must cease for a while, to love unconditionally and accepting another is powerful and the essence of humanity. If reciprocity is not there, it is only because one is not ready and it is not a reflection of who we are… trust the process, the beauty will unfold when it is time.
question: what is your fear?
13 March 2007
the leap...
Yes, we all know that I have been through a lot—love, heartbreak, self introspection, the whole nine yards.
There are many things in development right now in my life, and the choices I have in front of me are for me.
I wanted to let someone know of how things are transpiring, and at first I was thinking maybe this is not such a good idea (see? Brain wired to be negative!). Yet this person still has meaning for me, I am still exploring why even after all that we have been through and the time that has passed, yet I knew that I had to do something, so I picked up the phone. No, Jenny was not at the wheel, just good ol’ grown up Jen. I took action and made
…the leap: by making the call and letting this person know that I miss them
as the conversation drew to a close.
I did not do it as a test—I did not do it to see if there was reciprocity, denial, rejection. I meant it, I mean it!
It feels wonderful to be secure and safe in my own being to do this, without expectations or fears. My line has always been *anticipate everything and expect nothing*.
On the flip—what if we do not take that leap and express ourselves? And if we do decide to do so, how do we know if it is a healthy impulse, or the need to have acknowledgement at all costs?
Checking in to our little one who wants to drive, taking an inventory quickly of the motivation will help. Yet we need to be at the point of knowing who we are, what motivates us, scares us, what soothes us from both the little one and our grown up selves to be sure it is the grown up who is in touch with the feelings that makes the decision.
Plus, it may move another to make a difference too, for our contribution could be the very motivation they need.
No regrets!!! No agenda, nada. It is truly how I feel. This person still moves me…
question: when do you leap?
There are many things in development right now in my life, and the choices I have in front of me are for me.
I wanted to let someone know of how things are transpiring, and at first I was thinking maybe this is not such a good idea (see? Brain wired to be negative!). Yet this person still has meaning for me, I am still exploring why even after all that we have been through and the time that has passed, yet I knew that I had to do something, so I picked up the phone. No, Jenny was not at the wheel, just good ol’ grown up Jen. I took action and made
…the leap: by making the call and letting this person know that I miss them
as the conversation drew to a close.
I did not do it as a test—I did not do it to see if there was reciprocity, denial, rejection. I meant it, I mean it!
It feels wonderful to be secure and safe in my own being to do this, without expectations or fears. My line has always been *anticipate everything and expect nothing*.
On the flip—what if we do not take that leap and express ourselves? And if we do decide to do so, how do we know if it is a healthy impulse, or the need to have acknowledgement at all costs?
Checking in to our little one who wants to drive, taking an inventory quickly of the motivation will help. Yet we need to be at the point of knowing who we are, what motivates us, scares us, what soothes us from both the little one and our grown up selves to be sure it is the grown up who is in touch with the feelings that makes the decision.
Plus, it may move another to make a difference too, for our contribution could be the very motivation they need.
No regrets!!! No agenda, nada. It is truly how I feel. This person still moves me…
question: when do you leap?
12 March 2007
its impulses...
Ok, ok, it is another Grey’s Anatomy moment!
I like listening to Meredith speak over the show, there are some things that we listen to yet not really pay attention to while it rolls, for it seems so simple. Yet like many things in life, there is always a duality in what we hear. After all, words have meaning, and we each assign a meaning to the words we hear, possibly different from others who hear the same words for they, like us, use who they are and their experiences as their sounding board. The same goes for reactions and our bodies, for “the body naturally follows
...its impulses: which makes it hard to control.
Of course sometimes we have impulses we should rather not control, that we later wish we had. The body is a slave to its impulses, but what we know is what we can control. After the storm, after the rush, after the heat of the moment has passed we can cool off and clean up the messes we made. We can try to let go of what was… oh then again…
( I wont waste a minute without you)”
Those impulses can be physical, where we cannot hold ourselves back with another. We wake up and think… oh, boy…
And the impulses can also be when we feel something, and our brain seduces us into thinking it is something else. When we are raised to feel love as pain, when we enter true love, we feel the pain and our brain tells us to run to the hills. That is the flip side of the impulse.
Funny that when we hear things about impulses and our bodies, we (well most) automatically thinks of sexual experiences, kisses and the like. We never seem to come to pass on listening to our bodies, really listening when we are faced with a situation where our bodies are feeling something, yet we let logic talk us out of it. Then the feelings deep inside, the fears and the fright, are not faced with self honesty.
On the flip—why is our mind seemingly *protecting* us from the feelings? Why does our body fight to be heard, only for us to silence it with logic?
(addie, of course) logic is the opiate of those who are afraid of their feelings. We think we are protecting ourselves with decisions, we are actually fooling ourselves with that logic, when all along we may be running from our inner truth. The brain, after all, is wired to be negative.
And with that, we run away from our self, the one who truly loves us and our lives. Never able to be our authentic self. Unless of course once we cool off, we choose to be open the next time around to feel everything, listen, then understand what we are truly running from—the one who loves us, the one who we will not waste a minute without.
question: what is your impulse?
I like listening to Meredith speak over the show, there are some things that we listen to yet not really pay attention to while it rolls, for it seems so simple. Yet like many things in life, there is always a duality in what we hear. After all, words have meaning, and we each assign a meaning to the words we hear, possibly different from others who hear the same words for they, like us, use who they are and their experiences as their sounding board. The same goes for reactions and our bodies, for “the body naturally follows
...its impulses: which makes it hard to control.
Of course sometimes we have impulses we should rather not control, that we later wish we had. The body is a slave to its impulses, but what we know is what we can control. After the storm, after the rush, after the heat of the moment has passed we can cool off and clean up the messes we made. We can try to let go of what was… oh then again…
( I wont waste a minute without you)”
Those impulses can be physical, where we cannot hold ourselves back with another. We wake up and think… oh, boy…
And the impulses can also be when we feel something, and our brain seduces us into thinking it is something else. When we are raised to feel love as pain, when we enter true love, we feel the pain and our brain tells us to run to the hills. That is the flip side of the impulse.
Funny that when we hear things about impulses and our bodies, we (well most) automatically thinks of sexual experiences, kisses and the like. We never seem to come to pass on listening to our bodies, really listening when we are faced with a situation where our bodies are feeling something, yet we let logic talk us out of it. Then the feelings deep inside, the fears and the fright, are not faced with self honesty.
On the flip—why is our mind seemingly *protecting* us from the feelings? Why does our body fight to be heard, only for us to silence it with logic?
(addie, of course) logic is the opiate of those who are afraid of their feelings. We think we are protecting ourselves with decisions, we are actually fooling ourselves with that logic, when all along we may be running from our inner truth. The brain, after all, is wired to be negative.
And with that, we run away from our self, the one who truly loves us and our lives. Never able to be our authentic self. Unless of course once we cool off, we choose to be open the next time around to feel everything, listen, then understand what we are truly running from—the one who loves us, the one who we will not waste a minute without.
question: what is your impulse?
04 March 2007
my hero...
I think it is a wonderful thing when we chase our dreams, in spite of the odds in front of us. The odds can be self imposed, from our childhood, or just the sheer challenge itself is steep. Or a combination of the three.
Usually it is a combination of the three—our fears and questioning our abilities, coupled with our being raised in a way where we may deep inside feel insignificant, alongside a difficult task. You fill in the blanks with the features, like a math problem…. X + Y + Z =??
We never know what another’s obstacles are, yet when they triumph we should celebrate those who overcome, even if we do not know what deep rooted self challenges and self talk lie beneath the surface, so with that a huge shout out for
…my hero: a colleague who embarked upon an amazing journey
of both physical and spiritual today—he finished the Barcelona Marathon!
I think of all the training he did, the excitement when he finished running his first long distance run (marathon length) and bounced into the office the next day with the largest smile he has ever sported (well, at least at work!).
And that got me thinking, why do we strive so hard at times to prove something to ourselves… or are why trying to prove our validity to someone else by taking on huge, almost insurmountable tasks? Only we know deep inside…
On the flip-- what happens if we do not look deep inside ourselves and understand why we strive to achieve, or for some, over achieve?
Easy, we are possibly running from our lives. Living for others, being held responsible for their feelings and expectations, will lead us running for sure… away from our self, the one we love and our lives. Only we know our truth.
I guess that is why we have marathons.
Congrats to Henrik T!!! He proved to himself that he can do it. He did it! Now, the big test is tomorrow… walking around seeing the sights…
question: what is your longest distance?
Usually it is a combination of the three—our fears and questioning our abilities, coupled with our being raised in a way where we may deep inside feel insignificant, alongside a difficult task. You fill in the blanks with the features, like a math problem…. X + Y + Z =??
We never know what another’s obstacles are, yet when they triumph we should celebrate those who overcome, even if we do not know what deep rooted self challenges and self talk lie beneath the surface, so with that a huge shout out for
…my hero: a colleague who embarked upon an amazing journey
of both physical and spiritual today—he finished the Barcelona Marathon!
I think of all the training he did, the excitement when he finished running his first long distance run (marathon length) and bounced into the office the next day with the largest smile he has ever sported (well, at least at work!).
And that got me thinking, why do we strive so hard at times to prove something to ourselves… or are why trying to prove our validity to someone else by taking on huge, almost insurmountable tasks? Only we know deep inside…
On the flip-- what happens if we do not look deep inside ourselves and understand why we strive to achieve, or for some, over achieve?
Easy, we are possibly running from our lives. Living for others, being held responsible for their feelings and expectations, will lead us running for sure… away from our self, the one we love and our lives. Only we know our truth.
I guess that is why we have marathons.
Congrats to Henrik T!!! He proved to himself that he can do it. He did it! Now, the big test is tomorrow… walking around seeing the sights…
question: what is your longest distance?
01 March 2007
we crave...
Another solo night at home! This week has been rather uneventful, which is good. Yes, the silence of being alone at times is dull, angst filled and outright lonely at times, yet when taking a step back and looking at things from the larger perspective, it is wholesome. Next week has me in the UK for a few days, and then in the US 14 to 20 March. And April Fool’s weekend has girly weekend away, destination still unknown!
So needless to say the TV has been on, quietly in the background, for a little *white noise* (addie’s term!). A show called *House* running one night and a line stood out:
…“we crave: meaning so that we can create happiness”.
Or self propelled misery, sadness, joy, bliss…
We assign meaning to everything we do, see, feel, hear, touch and experience. It is a process in which we make sense of the world around us, only to give sense to whatever crosses our path, hence creating meaning.
On the flip—is happiness created when we have meaning, even though it is sad in nature? What if having meaning alone, regardless of the pain or joy, is inherent to the human condition?
What I have been through over the past few months was joyous and sad. And then lately (especially this past week!) it has been uneventful. I am content, yet it seems that there was a greater purpose in life, like being propelled into a mission (for me craving a healing one) and hence meaning. The happiness came after things made sense, after the meaning became clear and I understood where the process was leading me.
Ok, maybe I am reaching for a few straws. Yet it seems that when creating meaning, it leads to purpose, process, understanding then happiness. I know from my personal experiences, fighting the demons inside, once I understood the context of little Jenny and who I am as an adult, it allowed me to let go of the painful past and have a new sense of meaning. I have never been happier nor more peaceful (yes, there are down days every now and then, that is what makes life interestingly beautiful). It allowed me to share myself freely with another and to not run away from myself, the one who loves me nor my life. Yes, I think I have reached that peaceful bliss.
Even when alone.
question: what do you crave?
So needless to say the TV has been on, quietly in the background, for a little *white noise* (addie’s term!). A show called *House* running one night and a line stood out:
…“we crave: meaning so that we can create happiness”.
Or self propelled misery, sadness, joy, bliss…
We assign meaning to everything we do, see, feel, hear, touch and experience. It is a process in which we make sense of the world around us, only to give sense to whatever crosses our path, hence creating meaning.
On the flip—is happiness created when we have meaning, even though it is sad in nature? What if having meaning alone, regardless of the pain or joy, is inherent to the human condition?
What I have been through over the past few months was joyous and sad. And then lately (especially this past week!) it has been uneventful. I am content, yet it seems that there was a greater purpose in life, like being propelled into a mission (for me craving a healing one) and hence meaning. The happiness came after things made sense, after the meaning became clear and I understood where the process was leading me.
Ok, maybe I am reaching for a few straws. Yet it seems that when creating meaning, it leads to purpose, process, understanding then happiness. I know from my personal experiences, fighting the demons inside, once I understood the context of little Jenny and who I am as an adult, it allowed me to let go of the painful past and have a new sense of meaning. I have never been happier nor more peaceful (yes, there are down days every now and then, that is what makes life interestingly beautiful). It allowed me to share myself freely with another and to not run away from myself, the one who loves me nor my life. Yes, I think I have reached that peaceful bliss.
Even when alone.
question: what do you crave?
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